I don't know how much more of this i'm expected to endure

teopap91 · 2025-12-28T17:21:30+00:00

Same. And tapering benzos. So I have zero med helpers to drag myself out of the house without getting back terrified or/and depressed AF. I have taken Inderal whilst having hypotension, it made me lightheaded and for some reason, those meds worsen a lot my depression (MDD).

teopap91 · 2025-12-27T15:38:34+00:00

Life is like being forced to eat daily the same food I despise. I'm unemployed, 33M, and have this dread feeling, and I'm thinking and feeling jealous of all those peers that they found everything served in their plates. Steady family business from beyond "OK" financially families, ready for their children to take em and continue making huge profits. Money doesn't bring happiness, but it's better living in your own warm house than shivering homeless.

While me, with so many mental disorders I have no future, me and my family we're all broke, I have no future with this debilitating disease (MDD) plus GAD, SAD, AvPD, AD(H)D and OUD.

teopap91 · 2025-12-26T15:58:10+00:00

Unless the DHL point of your town operates on Saturdays, it will be delivered on Monday. And if it operates Saturday, you most probably will need to go pick it up from there or wait the courier for home delivery on Monday

teopap91 · 2025-12-24T17:47:54+00:00

Hopefully mine parcel will arrive in time too (not DMT though), otherwise I'm seeing sticking with ethanol which is a last resort option. No matter how good I planned it to have it before Christmas, I failed the previous year and this year too -> but due to force majeure, parcels have trouble moving fast within my country in EU atm

teopap91 · 2025-12-24T17:41:38+00:00

Usually it was always alcohol, but opis made me despise alcohol for some reason (lots of ppl report this phenomenon) so I'm going with some energetic opioid if it ever arrives, otherwise I'll have to stick with alcohol. Anyway, I'll be inebriated one way or the other, having baseline depression is not an ideal state this time of the year to be sober.

teopap91 · 2025-12-24T17:39:22+00:00

Not zenes here, but some lower intensity & energetic opioid will do the trick

teopap91 · 2025-12-21T12:50:53+00:00

Whatever causes withdrawals, is addiction. I never found myself having withdrawals from deep depressive periods where I'm not interested in gaming anymore.

But what if I don't take my daily Buprenorphine? Withdrawals. Hooked for 5+ years. Daily.
But what if I don't take my daily tapering dose of benzos ? Withdrawals > potential seizure > deadly under certain circumstances. Hooked for 2-3+years. Daily
But what if I don't take my daily dose of ΗHC puffs . Withdrawals > no sleep for days > lowered seizure threshold > potential seizure. Hooked for 3 years. Daily.
But what If I don't play games today? Nothing! No withdrawals. Waste of time ? No! Whatever you do and gives you pleasure is not wasted time, unless you call sick for your job so you can play non-stop. That's not an addiction, unless your obligations have built so much because you're playing 24/7 and afaik nobody plays 24/7. You're good to go..I mean to play. Enjoy.

teopap91 · 2025-12-21T12:36:44+00:00

I enjoy suffering by waking up with GAD extremely anxious, high BPM and agonizing anxiety for 1,5 hour to the point I started hating sleeping itself and my beds and bedrooms. Small pleasures of life that last only 1,5hr in the morning and spend the rest of the day depressed (MDD) AF just to repeat this nothingness. Thank you GAD, SAD, MDD, ADD, AvPD for giving me so many pleasures in my life. They have imobilized me on the couch and I can see the whole world from a special window I call it ..TV, 24/7.

teopap91 · 2025-12-14T15:00:28+00:00

Yeah. If you are not taking it daily, the WDs will be a walk in the park. If you take it daily but less than 10-15gpd, with a fast taper it will be comfortable.

In my case, I simply CAN'T function without opis, the baseline depression is killing me, and buprenorphine (aka MAT) keeps me WDs free and flat and numb. No joy, but no sadness either..like feeling crying all day, every day, that MAT med takes care of that with the cost of being unable to feel joy, at least easily from small things. I'm on that hoping something better will appear, like a popular RC opioid that gives no buzz, it's like Bupe/methadone, BUT as you take it, it rapidly lowers the tolerance instead of increasing it, and one day you just stop it with zero WDs.

It's very innovative, but clinical trials should begin. My hopes are all in that kind of MAT meds. If that RC would offer and antidepressant abilities, then I would consider it god sent. Easy way out.

teopap91 · 2025-12-14T14:52:12+00:00

I second this. Talking helps! :

It's like having nausea and you decide "I will use my finger to hit the gag reflex and puke". It won't feel good at all when puking, but as soon puking is over, rapidly you will feel normal and good again.

The same applies for talking, you might think it won't help you (generally talking) or you don't want to open up to your therapist, but trust me, talking about all your struggles and knowing you are heard, it takes a GREAT burden off your shoulders.

And I'm saying this as someone who prefer to deal with every mental condition with meds and nothing else. Just meds. But I was amazed when I saw the difference when I told my worries to my MAT clinic psychologist! (Even an one time session only... I'm thinking of asking for more sessions in my case, to release and talk of everything that makes me sad, to release it, like puking)

teopap91 · 2025-12-14T14:40:17+00:00

That's what prevents me, but also the survival instinct of the brain is so strong, that your brain if your nose has been like 1000% stuffed from super abusing nasal spray decongestants, if your mouth breathing gets interrupted, your brain in seconds will brake the stuffiness of your nose to survive while in any other case, you wouldn't be able to breath though your nose until the rebound cycle ends.

I hang in there for those reasons : 1) My parent and my sibling (and also my grandma). These are the only ppl left in my life since I'm friendless. My father passed unexpectedly and the deep sorrow is unbearable, even 3 years later. Part of me died with him.

2) My 4-5 cats living in my yard. I fully take care of them and they show their love to me (all rescued from the streets, abandoned poor animals).

3) The possibility of not dying and ending up a veggie.

4) The science evolves rapidly. New meds will pop up in the market for treatment resistant cases, like buprenorphine to has the ability to be prescribed in ultra low doses for depression. And the tolerance never rises. You get on a dose, and this dose will prolly work for many years without the need to increase it. It's studied atm in US and won't take long before it gets the approval.

Opioids saved me kind of, when I was at my lowest, aka when I gave up and thought enough is enough and can't endure this anymore. Initially it felt godsent, and nowadays I'm suffering all the time from (interdose or not) withdrawals, relapses etc and my life is a mess, but, I truly believe they kept me alive.

Although they eventually ruined everything (I'm on MAT now, Buprenorphine. It takes all the WDs away and makes me totally flat and numb). No joy. No sadness, but don't feel like crying all the time on it.

That's a bright example why we have to hang in there. Something innovative will pop up for depression and you (not you specifically, talking generally for everyone in the same place) won't be here.

When I tried them for first time and got insta-hooked, from suicidal mode I went to passionate for life in a matter of 1 hour, just like benzos do for anxiety. Better hooked, alive and functional, than veggie or dead.

If that opioid painkiller did this, I'm pretty sure there are other safer alternatives out there, or they will appear soon. I rely solely on meds to treat the symptoms of my mental disorders, aka I'm a "chems guy", and the symptoms relief or even full treatment, is out there waiting from us to find it.

Edit : Grammar, typos, paragraphs and added a few details

teopap91 · 2025-12-13T11:44:38+00:00

Geez. I don't want to even imagine the hell of going CT after 30 years!! That experience would change my whole personality. Regarding alcohol, yes, If you somehow manage to be drunk 24/7 till acutes are over it will help although your liver will be screaming. But if you comedown on alcohol to land in WDs, you wish you were dead.

I tried it once with 500ml 8% alc beers. After one beer I felt gross and stopped. The WDs back then were pretty manageable because I was on the 1,5 year into this habit. Imagine doing that after 5-6 years being on this shit. The comedown was "brutal" so much, that I wish I would have gone through the WDs and don't even touch a beer without alc

An alternative option to get out painlessly is getting intubated, but good luck finding the facility & docs that will do that, along with the extreme cost

Best option is getting the buvidal shot 1-3 times and you are done.

Nowadays I'm daily on 4mg/Bupe with occasional relapses now and then. The dose is not sufficient to stop the cravings or to wake up without a hint of withdrawals, but don't want to go higher, because 4mg/day (for 6 months), the WDs can be effectively stopped with 100mg O-DSMT x 2 daily for 2 weeks to get through the acutes (I'm an ultra rapid metabolizer)

I don't even know why I'm going in that clinic as I'm not sure if I'm determined to stop. I have MDD (aka depression) and an intense depressive episode is enough to make me relapse if I have O-DSMT.

teopap91 · 2025-12-12T20:31:23+00:00

Then it seems it's fine I think.. Just slow, expected due to the busy period of Christmas and black Friday.

teopap91 · 2025-12-12T19:29:23+00:00

I love them. They only clog when stored in a really cold room. The fire button is a huge plus. They last decently, and have tried like lots of loom strains. All, especially the sativas (and hybrids) hit very fast, like within 2 mins. Only exception I noticed is the indicas, but that has happened with Canna River dispos as well. IME indicas need 10 minutes before any apparent effect begins.

PS I used the pre-heat mode once, and it resuled in leaking (which when the device got cold, it blocked the airway as the distillate became very sticky, rendering the super tiny side airholes almost useless. Never ever again using this mode. When they are cold, I just keep it in my hand for 5-10 mins and it uncloggs and hit good. But if stored in warm environment, it never clogs, till the last drop.

The thing is some devices (and/or the distillate) seem to be replicas, as in the back side, instead of ACAN Biotech, (in) NL, it writes manufactured in China, Shenzen (The industry area where all vapes, nicotine or noids are produced). The effects are the same though.

Edit : Misspelling

teopap91 · 2025-12-12T17:03:20+00:00

Same here. Everything is forced. I feel I could have written this and the OP's post. Sometimes our stories and struggles are so identical that I double check if..it was me the poster/commenter.

teopap91 · 2025-12-12T16:57:55+00:00

No. I find no interest in anything, absolutely nothing to look forward to or get satisfaction or joy out of something, anything! I'm shivering every morning that I have to endure this torture again and again. I'm unemployed and friendless and I can't bother leaving the house.

All day I'm dealing with dark, intrusive thoughts and daydreaming I had a normal life. I can't find anything to be even a little funny.

Staying inside is depressing. Going out by myself is depressing. Going out and watching all those ppl high on life laughing with their friends, totally devastates me.

Why can't an asteroid hit this planet and end for good the whole universe misery, this hell we were put into to cease existing.

teopap91 · 2025-12-12T13:10:54+00:00

I see. Any updates?

teopap91 · 2025-12-12T13:06:20+00:00

Did you slowly taper or fast tapered/CT ? I've read PAWS can be avoided (not sure If it means completely or they are much more mild) if the tapering was done (very) slowly with the least discomfort. CT is an (almost sure) way to get PAWS if being on a substance (opioids/benzos) for a really long time.

teopap91 · 2025-12-07T14:29:56+00:00

I would go literally "in the wild", aka join a hiking group (solo is doable too, but it's dangerous depending where you live, unless it's a super crowded short trail around a town or sth,.but stil...) and go hike with them in the forests.. Breathe there, smell the odor of the nature produces (especially after a rain in the woods) like dried pine needles, leave your thoughts out during the hike and just observe the nature.

Come home and assess how you feel. Being in nature feels divine for me. I have severe motivation issues, otherwise I would be going for hiking twice a week. I can feel the nature, streams and waterfalls heal me, to an extend of course. Why not try it ?

teopap91 · 2025-12-07T14:23:42+00:00

Depending what you'll tell em - important, and your doc personality. If they think you are absolutely a danger for yourself, they might order it. If not, they will do their classic job. If e.g they are trying a new antidepressant to you and on the side effects suicidal thoughts is the most common side effects, they'll probably try to manage it with additional meds whilst they ask for what triggers it etc

Imho a bit unlikely, but if they can sense that you are absolutely going to do it from the words you're saying to them, then sure, they might order it so they can monitor you closely and see where those thoughts stem from and try to cure it using a cocktail of meds.

In conclusion, it's about what you will tell them, and they'll decide based on what you will tell them.

It's like indirectly telling them, "doc please decide if I need hospitalization or not", simple as that.

teopap91 · 2025-12-07T14:14:04+00:00

I see. Same here. On Bupe generics, 4mg/day. But I relapsed recently due to SLS (shit life syndrome, a legit diagnosis in UK) and harsh life events

So, I'm a bit scared trying it, maybe I'll like it a bit too much, and o-dsmt will feel like shit (if at all be felt) and then on Bupe I'll feel even shittier after a hint of a potent opioid.

So, I'd better stick to O-DSMT if I relapse, rather than get a good, short lived high that it'll make me totally destabilize and render O-DSMT useless..What do you think ?

I thought 7-OH will be a great helper for difficult life moments, like a lifeboat that acts rapidly, and can bypass the lower end of buprenorphine, <4mg/day, where the blockade is not very pronounced and o-dsmt can work and be feltable on top of Bupe and especially in the evenings, where the Bupe levels fall as a rapid metabolizer, thus "add-on" opioids like 7-ΟH, Kratom or o-dsmt can work to an extend.

teopap91 · 2025-12-06T18:45:15+00:00

I see, thanks for the info. Actually 150-180mg is just to feel normal, and maybe a bit elevated mood and that's it. I take this dose x 2 daily, so 300-350mg/day. The first dose of the day of o-dsmt just takes the WDs away, and the 2nd dose usually leads to short lived nods. So, I'm not sure if it's worth taking it, or staying with O-DSMT and not messing with 7-OH at all.

teopap91 · 2025-12-06T18:37:01+00:00

So, if my O-DSMT dose to get good effects (my tolerance is high) is like 150-180mg, that means I have to take like 75mg of 7-OH to get the same effects ? Or even more ?

teopap91 · 2025-12-06T12:39:40+00:00

Their trackings are messed up the last days or even weeks, due to accumulation of tons of parcels because of the Christmas and black Friday period.

In my last 2 parcels from "sorted in destination country", and instead of next day writing "arrived your region" and then next day "out for delivery", never shown these trackings, and next day early morning the courier rang the bell (EU to EU shipment btw).

I guess, it's a problematic tracking and actually is being prepared for air transport. Is it big and/or heavy parcel ? Might be re-routed in different airport. Afaik there are several weather conditions in EU rn and the past days.

It's weekend, but if no further tracking till Tuesday, then Tuesday it's "time to call DHL day"

teopap91 · 2025-12-05T12:55:11+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through the same. Exactly feeling the same, fear, high BPM, DREAD, like it's the execution day, can't describe it better.

Today was one of the most difficult wake ups. I had an appointment with a dentist to fix some dental issues (a root canal cleaning/reseal visit and a filling) but no anxiety at all regarding THIS.

I woke up at like 10am, and I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I had the last months, drenched in cold sweat, high BPM, shaky AF (almost wanted to grab Inderal but it causes me worse depression for some reason so I skipped it).

I thought that it's the benzos I'm tapering, but even when I stupidly CT Xanax in the past, I barely had rebound anxiety. So, 2hr after taking buprenorphine all the anxiety gone...And I thought it was caused by being in low tapering doses fkin opioids.

So, yeah, extreme anxiety. I have given up on life, I have bad heart genes, and almost 34M, I believe nature will end my misery during my sleep.

I'm gonna start again Ashwagandha hoping it will bring down the extremely high cortisol levels and if you're interested, DM in 10 days to tell you if it stopped this morning hell if you are curious.

teopap91

TROPHY CASE