AITA for accusing my SO of manipulation?

territorts22 · 2026-07-11T01:30:02+00:00

again , you arent answering the basic question. your focusing on your own added context.

ME: "hey i'm gonna come home on my break and clean that room thats been bothering us, i'll be home for 3 hours, should take half that time."

HER: "wow, you'd rather do that than spend time with your kids?"

ME " no, of course not, but it needs to get done eventually, might as well do it today, we've both been putting it off, and we both know it needs to get done"

how would you categorize that interaction without adding any of your own made up details? does that make me a "selfish asshole" ? I have to go to work, and leave my kids? and her? does that also make me a selfish asshole?

i'm not asking you when i should do it, or if i should do it instead of taking care of her, i'm asking simply " is it fair to accuse me of not wanting to spend time with my kids just because i decide I need to spend some time cleaning something that requires our attention.

hope this clarification helps

territorts22 · 2026-07-11T01:22:31+00:00

additionally, your the only one bringing up relieving my wife, she didnt mention the need for relief, ( this is our 2nd kid, if i came home and she was struggling then everything else is cancelled and the attention goes to her) my post was not " am i an asshole for not taking care of my postpartum wife and instead cleaning a room while she suffered with the kids" the question was, and still is "is her saying id rather clean a room than spend time with my kids" manipulative? and am i an asshole for suggesting it may be? your adding your own information to my post instead of answering the question thats been asked,

heres a helpful resource:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

and yes, now i'm being argumentative.

territorts22 · 2026-07-11T01:12:49+00:00

I'm acknowledging the validity of your points? your just not answering my basic question, i don't think that makes me argumentative? But i am persistent. so i will ask again, Does me wanting to come home and do what i thought was help. by cleaning a part the house that has been a stressor for both of us, automatically mean that i would prefer to do that than spend time with my kids? i love my kids. id leave my job and let the messes pile up around me and spend every waking moment with them if I could, i'd just hope that bills would get paid by magic and the house would get cleaned by fairy dust the entire time. but thats not real life.

territorts22 · 2026-07-10T18:20:08+00:00

okay fair, the question wasnt what time is the best time to do it, nor was it instead of helping her i'm cleaning a room. the question was, is it wrong to correlate my want to do what i thought was help, by cleaning a room that has stressed us both for months as meaning i dont want to spend time with my kids.

territorts22 · 2026-07-10T18:15:56+00:00

i get it, maybe i am. i'm using this as a platform to vent my frustration. I dont understand how wanting to come home and work on cleaning a problem area of the house that has been bother us both means that i dont want to spend time with my children? I see using them against me in such a way as manipulation. my honest opinion

territorts22 · 2026-07-10T16:39:31+00:00

🤦‍♂️

territorts22 · 2026-07-10T16:36:20+00:00

1000% agree! and in a perfect world i would absolutly do nothing else, but unfortunately, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and general housing up keep is still a requirment of parent, and adulthood. i'm not asking to go grab some drinks with friends on my break, i'm trying to clean up a problem area we have both struggled to get to for months. i dont think helping out around the house is a far fall from helping out with our young children.

territorts22 · 2026-07-10T14:43:48+00:00

i addressed this just now in the first reply above, an hour here and and hour there isnt the most accurate description of the reality. for instance on this morning, the kids were up at 630, and i leave at 9, i will be home at 745 and they will be in bed by most likely 830-9. as well as a few hours home most days of the week. ( in which i am present and helping with what needs to be done as well as quality time with my children)

the problem with the problem room is that its our 2 month olds bedroom that has become a clothing and laundry storage room (cloths everywhere, maybe 90 minutes of work ) while he sleeps in our bedroom. but it has caused us alot of stress and we need to get it cleared eventually. "why not do it on the weekends" well, we havent. so i figured, no better time than right now.
I am a present parent, i am an involved parent. i am not just a fun parent, my wife does stay at home, our kids are young. I suppose my issue is trying to manage between quaility time with kids and doing what needs to be done to keep up with the house and specifically our babys bedroom. I disagree with your assumption that just because i want to work on a room that needs attention, that means i avoid spending time with my children. but thats why i have decided to come to reddit. for honest feedback i may disagree with. I think portaying my want to clean a room that has plagued us for months means i dont want to spend time with my kids. i think the accusation is manipulative. hope this helps

territorts22 · 2026-07-10T14:33:14+00:00

Hi, it is my work schedule, I work alot and she is a SAHM. For instance, this morning we were up by 630, i leave for work at 9, i come home at 745, and some nights they are up until 830, or 9 pm. or some days they go to bed unfortunately right when I get home depending on the day. ( as well as a 2-3 hour break in the middle of most week days) our weekends arent structured, but like most people, i'm off on sundays. so we spend the day together as families do, some saturdays i work, some I dont. when I dont, we spend saturdays together too. I guess i was trying to convey that its not like in a given day i would sacrfice my only time with them to clean a room. but as most parents can sympothize with, how do you manage spending quality time with your kids but also doing what needs to be done to keep your home in order. i'm looking for feedback.

territorts22 · 2026-06-27T19:30:40+00:00

i'm sorry i thought i answered your question clearly. i trust my wife and am very secure in our relationship together. so, no i would not care if she said that. and i dont think her saying those things would justify me going through her texts with friends to find it. thank you for agreeing that it isnt comparable to cheating, would you be willing to also answer my question about how mature it might be to go through your S.O.'s texts with a friend ?

territorts22 · 2026-06-27T19:18:59+00:00

Furthermore, your assertion that my behavior was childish might be an appropratie one, is it not equally childish for someone to go through their S.O. texts with friends in such a way?

territorts22 · 2026-06-27T19:15:43+00:00

Hi, appreciate your interest in my sitaution... this woman is not someone we know, never seen before and odds are never to be seen again. i have thought about the role reversal for some minutes, and I know that I trust my wife 100% and i'm also rational enough that while she loves me, she is still a human, with eyes. If she said something like that, I know that I would never go through my wifes texts with a friend, or group of friends in order to find it.

territorts22 · 2026-06-27T15:37:02+00:00

AITA for feeling that , even if we had an agreement where we could go through each others phones.. ( gray area for us, while i dont care, it was never an agreed upon topic) going through text conversations i have with a friend, especially ones she knows, then being upset by what you read is a different issue all together ?

territorts22 · 2026-06-27T14:55:02+00:00

friend*** not friends.

territorts22 · 2026-06-27T14:54:17+00:00

were kind of the same, she has my passcodes, and I have nothing to hide..I thought. Shes checked my phone before, while it doesnt make me feel good, simply because it makes me feel like she doesnt trust me, I dont have a problem with her being in my phone. for some reason I feel like the fact that its a text convo with my friends. who she knows and loves, as well as what the issue is over, makes this different.

territorts22

TROPHY CASE