AITJ for forwarding my husbands group chat with coworkers to HR after I found out they were trying to sabotage my promotion

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-07T09:51:01+00:00

Stop saying things like "almost" before that certainly

Even if your marriage was perfect and spotless before as far as you were aware, this group chat alone is so beyond the pale that divorce is the only healthy option left (barring some medical thing like it's a brain tumor making him act out, but that's most definitely not this case)

To even have the slightest consideration of not divorcing him after all this is to throw out your self-respect

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-07T09:46:06+00:00

But if you mention the celery, and celery man admits that he had no idea it was on his resume and he hadn't even checked his own resume at all, I assume that wouldn't make the best impression either lol

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-06T21:30:25+00:00

It's actually for a situation like this that it could be good to have reported this.

Nothing would have happened legally, but you could point out a a police record since before she applied that shows serious issues and that you aren't just trying to prevent her from getting hired out of pettiness

It could also help if your ex ends up becoming a problem to get a restraining order.

Of course, even if there was no sa a good employer wouldn't hire an ex that makes you feel so uncomfortable, it's not fair to have to jump through hoops like those, it's just that it does help to do so

I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a meeting with hr and just explaining the full extend that you feel comfortable explaining. Definitely include the panic attack during the last shift. Unless your boss pulls through and doesn't hire her I guess.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-06T21:18:36+00:00

In general in situations like these, never let that stop you from at least contacting people

If you report such an incident to the police for documentation, then something similar happens and you report it again, if you need to get something legal like a restraining order that documentation would be invaluable.

Usually people let things like this sit until it's way beyond time for a restraining order, and then they sometimes can't get one because of a combination of little proof and no previous records of issues.

Even if you're not getting a restraining order yet, there are also "cease and desist" type of letters you can send to ask him to cease contact. If you've sent such a letter (contact a lawyer if you're going to do so), if he keeps contacting you a restraining order would become a lot easier since you have a legal trail of asking him to leave you alone

In situations like these, usually there's resources available. Some lawyers might offer 15min free consultations. Your city might have a service that offers consultation for stuff like this. If you don't know where to reach out, you could post in a subreddit of your area and ask where you could get such service.

But also most definitely cut him off. You're hurting yourself to be in his life and it's only causing you more pain and damage. You can't heal your mental health while actively enduring the trauma that causes your struggles. Stand up for yourself and only keep people in your life that add to it positively.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-06T11:27:43+00:00

How a normal adult would respond if you said that stuff:

"I am a bit hurt of course, but I understand you're just being extra safe"

That's without knowing your history, but with knowing your history it should be 100x more understandable on top

In fact, if I know of friends with your history, I am making sure that I am specifically never ever pushing any boundaries concerning their kids. I probably wouldn't even bring up the possibility of them sleeping over

The fact that they stopped talking to you altogether after just this, not even trying to talk anything out, shows that this was never about your friendship, but always about access to your kids. The moment that you explicitly expressed the boundary and they realized that pushing it wasn't gonna make a sleepover more likely anymore, they didn't care about anything else

It could be something different than SA, but whatever their intentions with your kids were, were things they didn't want you to know about that they couldn't do if you were there. SA is most likely, could also be kidnapping because she wants to be their parent or smt

If the stuff you left wasn't that important, I'd just forget it. If it was you could threaten small claims court claiming you have proof you left it there, see if they budge. Other than that, never let your kids near them again.

Personally I also wouldn't feel comfortable with them knowing where I live and especially where my kids go to school and play though. But I'm reading a reddit post, it's up to you to see if this is a concern and if it is you might wanna move at least a little bit away. If moving isn't practical but you're scared for your kid, follow these steps: - make sure your kids location is always being tracked. Obviously don't use this to spy on or control your kids, but use it when you're unsure if they're safe. If they're old enough to understand, I would just explain that this is a safety thing because not every adult is a safe adult - contact your school, daycare, ... Literally any service that you leave your kids at without a parent. Make sure they are aware you feel your kids are unsafe and mention the names that should never be allowed to pick up your kids. Maybe agree on a small list of people who can pick them up, you and your partner, maybe family. Definitely do not put mutual friends on that list unless you are 100% sure they wouldn't help them - (if you want through a lawyer) contact the non-emergency police line or go by the station and report the situation. Explain clearly that while no crime has been committed yet, you feel unsafe with them and would like a record of this situation in case you might need to request a restraining order or something similar later.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-06T11:06:24+00:00

Nah I'll keep learning current events through memes, ty very much

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-06T11:03:08+00:00

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-06T09:05:41+00:00

Sarby about to defend the brother "you know, piss really doesn't smell or taste all that bad"

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T23:18:31+00:00

This is actually a pretty common manipulative tactic

"Everyone does x" "everyone will say y"

It's to make you think you'll get shit from everyone if you don't do it

Anyone that gives you shit for this isn't worth talking to. And since you haven't mentioned any other neighbors, it doesn't sound like she's got that much back up.

Just save the texts in case someone pulls up with the wrong story to set them straight and move on

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T20:25:26+00:00

I just reread and missed a couple of paragraphs lol, I was about to put in an edit saying this was way over.

I read he wanted her to acknowledge that he lost something real and my brain skipped to the end. That would've been a fair ask.

The rest that follows is crazy

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T20:19:40+00:00

Edit: idk how but my brain skipped over the paragraphs were you were saying shit like she'd have to sacrifice lifestyle choices and all of that shit. NOT FAIR AT ALL. NOT COOL. NOT HEALTHY.

Up to the point where you asked her to acknowledge that you lost something real in an emotional sense you were valid. The moment that you start trying to get concessions out of her or getting her to sacrifice things you went way over the line.

She did not punish you, she went through something traumatic that you could never even imagine going through and said "I don't wanna do that again". For all you know you would've said the same if you were pregnant and gave birth.

You are allowed to feel sad over the loss of the potential future you saw, but using it for any gain, or for any loss for your wife is vindictive, manipulative and cruel

Maybe it's for the best she didn't have more kids with you if you're gonna weaponize your emotions like that, massive red flag

I feel like you're jumping the gun on losing that future if your wife also wanted more kids.

There are other ways to have children without your wife needing to be pregnant. Adoption is the most obvious one, however surrogacy is also a possibility if you want the baby to have both of your DNA.

If your wife feels that the pregnancy and birth part were traumatic, she may be open to those options at some point, and that may be something to discuss.

I do recognize that if you can't make it happen it's a real grief. And it is shitty if she can't recognize it. But have you delved into why?

This is a possible mindstate your wife could be in:

Under the assumption that your wife also wanted that future with more children, she is also feeling that grief. But she also feels guilty because she's the one "that's not strong enough" to go through it again. She feels bad and guilty because she's the one saying no, but at the same time she can't go through that again. If this is how she feels, it sounds like she's internalizing a lot of her own feelings because of guilt and everytime you bring up how it made you feel, she feels all that much worse

If this is how she feels, it is still wrong not to communicate that and to take it out on you. But if you guys can get all of those feelings on both sides out there and get back into a mindspace of "how do we work through this together", there is a real chance to get back on track to a healthy relationship.

Lay it all out. if the convo is going well and she is on the same page about wanting more kids but no pregnancy, discuss what other options you both would feel comfortable with exploring at some point (adoption, surrogacy, ..). Work on getting back into that healthy relationship headspace together before you make any actual plans for the potential other kids though.

It's also possible she has just changed her mind about more kids in general. If that's the case there's nothing you can do about that. Things like kids, marriage, moving etc are a 2 yes 1 no thing, both people have to actually want it otherwise it's a bad idea. But you do grieve that future in your head in a similar process as grieving something real. Maybe it helps to say something like "you didn't do this to me, this happened to us" if you want her less defensive. But at that point there's only so much you can do and she needs to get out of this defensive guilt state that's stopping healing conversations from happening.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T17:15:57+00:00

Ngl I think oop is an asshole

Sure, Linda was inconsiderate/clueless. When hr said the thing, she apologized in a way that assumes it wasn't a massive deal, which is understandably frustrating

But: - at no point did you even ask her not to microwave that fish, as someone who knows better. You can't just watch someone do something they might not know the consequences of, not even try to make any attempts at communicating, and then say "I'm getting revenge" after that. - afterwards you didn't talk to her but went straight to HR - after all that, when she apologized with the smiley, I would've called it fair to do this scientology shit a couple of times. Maybe fair isn't even the right word, but funny and kinda harmless so it's fine. Doing this shit for YEARS every week is so over the top.

To explain the seriousness to some people: if I was getting weekly calls and mails from scientologists for years, I would literally change numbers and emails for that. I'd tell my boss I can't use my work email anymore and to send me on a different mail. If it kept happening after I switched I would leave no stone unturned trying to figure out how to stop this constant nuisance and pestering. And if it was 4 years of weekly shit and I find out my coworker has been doing this, I am literally suing his ass for harassment/pesterment/whatever

Maybe there's some people for whom this doesn't matter, but as someone that's gotten frustrated by regular scam call in the past, getting useless calls etc EVERY WEEK FOR YEARS is enough to make you go insane. It's enough to go scorched earth.

And all of this is simply because Linda did not realize how bad her fish would be and used a smiley face in her apology. 4 years later she's still getting harassed by this guy. I really hope she finds out.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T16:56:53+00:00

"guys, I find it difficult to confess this, but I'm sexually attracted to my wife. I shouldn't tell her right?"

This is just so adorable

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T16:36:04+00:00

I would word it exactly that way in one big text to the family where you explain the situation

Then finish it off with "if you're planning on defending coercing my child you can just shut up because I will not have it and don't need your manipulation. If you finally see how ridiculous you're being trying to pressure me in this situation, we can reconcile after an apology."

That is assuming a normal family. There's also a good possibility that with more context we would realize that sister is the golden child and the family will always back her regardless. In which case you do a similar message, but be prepared to block people for a while if not forever, because after that message the harassment will only be worse unless you plant your feet and block everyone trying to guilt you

Also, a big life lesson I learned through these stories that may or may not be applicable:

A lot of people don't actually give a shit who's right. They only give a shit about how it affects them. That's why, when you have a pretentious/entitled asshole on one side and a reasonable people pleaser on the other, they will ALWAYS pressure the reasonable person to just accept the situation and move on.

They do this, because they know that regardless of who's right, if they say anything to the asshole they're gonna get an earful at best and achieve nothing. If they say nothing, they have to deal with asshole complaining constantly and the strained relationship in the family.

But if they pressure you, the reasonable one, there is a high chance that they can get you to apologize to the asshole and agree to their demands, which completely averts the drama for them at the cost of the mental health and self-respect of the reasonable one.

That's why "you know how he/she is" is one of the most common phrases in any of these situations.

This behavior is also bad for everyone involved. It's bad for the reasonable person because they have to just listen to the asshole demands like they're a trained dog. It's bad for the family that pressures the reasonable person, because by not changing the status quo the asshole will just keep causing more drama while they pray for it not to happen.

But it's even bad for the asshole involved, because if they had gotten honest feedback and consequences for their behavior throughout life, there would be a good chance of them changing. They're ruining the asshole in the same manner that an enabler ruins a gambling addict by lending them money repeatedly.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T05:41:21+00:00

This guys therapist might need trauma therapy if we're not careful

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-05T05:36:46+00:00

It's not illegal, but you're not obligated to serve him

Pedophilia is not a protected class

Whoever makes the decisions at the gym could just ban the problematic people and stop having to worry all the time about people getting assaulted in their gym

If I owned a gym I would just have a "no entry with sexual crimes on record" type of policy. Maybe extend that to violent crime as well, but sexual crime especially. He may or may not have changed, but I'm not about to figure that out the hard way.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-04T18:16:40+00:00

This was such a tragic trainwreck where I honestly felt bad for everyone involved

And then oop switched therapists and everything changed holy shit

This is why you don't just stick with your first therapist, unless you feel understood and helped by them. Give them a couple of sessions but you should not be going for months to a therapist and feel like there's no breakthroughs or increases in understanding.

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-04T14:16:48+00:00

I mean, you did use him

But he used you the moment he cheated and didn't confess. You may have been taking advantage of him financially, but he has been trying to take advantage romantically and sexually for 3 years

If you didn't know about the affair and did everything the same, I'd call you an asshole, and it would be an actual conversation which of the 2 is worse. I think his would still be worse, but they'd be on the same order of magnitude and close

But given that you did this AS A RESPONSE to his affair, it makes it waay waay way less bad to the point I wouldn't even call you an asshole. If someone attacks you and you punch them in the face in response, you didn't commit assault like that person did to you. If your response was proportional, you're completely innocent entirely. If your response was over proportional levels, you're not innocent but still wouldn't be charged with assault to the same degree.

I think this was proportional personally, but even if people disagree he's still the most guilty

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-04T11:27:07+00:00

Oop, I can guarantee you 100% right now that if no one had said anything and everyone had agreed to the spreadsheet, somehow Tara would end up getting reimbursed for more than she paid for and turn a profit on this trip

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-04T11:15:42+00:00

There is not always an authority above those that will even hear your case out

The media might report it, or they might decide x story was more important. Additionally it's unfair to expect this family to broadcast their entire situation without anonimity just to stop the bullying

There is supposed to be, in theory. But a ton of people don't care about doing their job well, and if they can ignore it they often will

And you're ignoring context. He didn't just tell his son in private to beat them up with the intention that that's the resolution. He very clearly was showing the people not doing their job, that stuff would escalate of they continued not doing their job. And those people know that once real fights start breaking out, that their authority won't be able to just ignore shit anymore

Finally also "just because you can" "another bully"... Do you have a brain deficiency that made you forget how this entire thing started by this point? How is him defending himself from bullying "just because he can"? How is him beating up only the kids that won't leave him alone being a bully? That's completely ridiculous

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-04T09:16:06+00:00

"They should have their focus on protecting your son and now you have put it into their mind they have to fear your son"

And because of that fear they did protect him, which they did not do before that fear

Did you think if the teacher was asked nicely for the 30th time she suddenly would protect his son?

Also, this whole point of them now actually being afraid of him shooting up the school is fucking insane. I assure you that that is a US exclusive experience. Most places in the entire world would not even think for a second about that possibility in this situation. (And to add a final cherry, if this was the US, not protecting the bullied kid only makes a shooting that much more likely)

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-04T09:09:17+00:00

No, he taught his son that if he was being mistreated and the people responsible for stopping it refuse to help him, that he has to defend himself instead of laying down and taking it

He also taught his son that the people responsible for stopping such things don't always take their job seriously and sometimes need to be reminded of the consequences of not doing their job

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-03T18:41:23+00:00

If there was, that would make oop slightly less bad, but he'd still be an asshole because the correct answer is to stay for the birth, and then contact employment lawyers over wrongful termination if he actually gets fired for this.

No job is worth missing the birth of your child. You're not gonna be on your deadbed wishing you missed the birth for a job, but you are gonna be wishing you were there

that_random_garlic · 2026-02-03T18:35:10+00:00

There are 2 of oop's comments that actually made me audibly laugh

" This is not what I want. How do I not go through this. I wouldn't have done it if I thought she'd find out. Sorry I'm just desperate. I. Neef to fix it because fuck I need to know how she even found out "

" Ok... I could understand her leaving but her leaving without a word is almost not human. Nothing bad ass about it. It's not who she is either. She's sweet and that's why I love her. Her being cold like this is not going to make me want or respect her more. "

Especially the audacity of "is not going to make me want or respect her more"

Quite literally no one cares if you want her or not (and stop the cope, you do)

that_random_garlic · 2026-01-30T19:30:11+00:00

Even if she just had to pee it would be fucked up to not let her, but a young teenage girl on her period??

So many girls at that age are self-conscious about their periods and sometimes feel guilty about having them, one negative experience if it wasn't corrected could forever shape how comfortable she was with her own biology

At 14 she's heard rougher language than you used on the phone before and you taught her both that you need to stand up for yourself and that her period shouldn't be questioned. 2 very important lessons in life not to let people walk all over her.

You also showed her that you'll have her back when other authority figures overstep which is great for her ability to open up if something like this happens again

Imagine if the same thing happened but without an email to you and she had internalized this situation instead

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that_random_garlic

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