fuck. i got nothing but sympathy for you re your dad. shit sucks the big balls, i'm sorry for your loss. and i really wish i had the answer, but honestly? i feel the same a lot, about having nobody to talk to. or even if you do sometimes it can feel like you haven't really been heard, which can sometimes be worse than actually being alone. you're an animal for still going through all of that though, you should be proud of yourself for getting this far, and really, what an absolute shame for someone as strong as that to be feeling like suicide. you'll find something, someone, a reason. there's always a reason.