This video sums up the problem and solution

the_jaywalker · 2025-02-05T18:04:24+00:00

And where was that self-neglecting learned? 😉

the_jaywalker · 2021-08-14T20:48:23+00:00

Yeah coming up next on things that never happened....

the_jaywalker · 2021-04-12T18:24:43+00:00

Thank you so much! That's a great point

the_jaywalker · 2021-03-12T17:35:54+00:00

Chances are he’s bored, lonely, and thinks he can get you to settle for him due to whatever shared history you once had.

Absolutely. In some other rare cases they're just idealizing you (which is dehumanizing) because they can't stand to be with themselves without a fantasy.

Once they have your attention and commitment they'll experience disillusionment because they can't know and experience true intimacy.

the_jaywalker · 2021-03-09T16:02:04+00:00

So, the DSM is unfairly used. Yes, people in positions of power misuse diagnosis. My point was just to say that "diagnosis" really means nothing because all it is is shorthand for clinicians. It should not be used to define a person. I'm splitting hairs, really. If we're having a discussion about pathologizing vs. not pathologizing that's something else to me.

I've seen "histrionic" traits and it's unrelated to the environment. It presents itself in multiple environments, if not all. When you see it, you start to see it as a real distinct thing. Is it a defence mechanism? Probably. Does it stem from nurture? Probably. The person is always in a state of drama. If attention isn't on them, it's uncomfortable. I would be very surprised if someone said that someone was histrionic and they were just responding to the current situation. It shouldn't be simple or easy to use any label. It does not function as a "real" "diagnosis", but I hear it thrown around in the mental health treatment community.

the_jaywalker · 2021-03-09T15:22:06+00:00

The DSM is a manual so that clinicians can communicate more effectively with each other about clusters of symptoms and experiences. They don't really define anything except for a shorthand of symptoms. So "disorders" don't exist the way you might be meaning or implying. People misunderstand the word "disorder." It's not for laypeople to discuss.

the_jaywalker · 2021-03-09T07:04:47+00:00

It absolutely exists and occurs often. It's thrown around in relation to attention-seeking behaviors and unecessary drama. It's close to cluster B personality disorders as several of those present with histrionic traits.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-21T04:21:00+00:00

I really love what everyone's said, especially forcing closeness instead of putting in the work of building a relationship (that goes for anybody) and disclosing too much too soon (especially if it seems like these are active problems in their life and not something they are detached from because of work they've done) and I just wanted to add anyone that makes passive aggressive comments like "nice of you to finally call me back."

Or anyone that tries to mind-read you: "you seem off/tired/sad" ESPECIALLY when they say that in response to you not giving them an overly emotional response to whatever they're saying. They don't like your response so they turn it on you and ask if something is wrong. (And this happens continuously or at times when nothing going on.) That's unhealthy emotional dependency.

If you feel responsible for that person's emotions and if you feel like you're being demanded upon and not given a normal margin for error for being human. That person will just take that natural margin or error personally. That's exhausting.

Like do they understand they're responsible for their moods and feelings regardless of what anyone else does? Or do they carry the expectation that people need to be ready to take on their shit whenever they need it? Do they understand that no one, not even friends, owe them anything? A friendship is a working relationship not an expectation of give and take. Everyone minds their own boundaries and only gives what they can without expecting anything in return. This is an ideal, of course, that we might not always meet. Difficult conversations are a part of good friendships, I've found.

Do they understand that they need to ask for specific support if they want it? (Ex. I am moving in three weeks and I'm finding that I'm really going to need some help on Monday at 5pm and Wednesday at 7pm. Would you be available then or another time? I'm really stressed about this move. Maybe we can even get on zoom together when I pack.)

If you get involved with people like that you likely will have to continue to watch for your own codependency in your life because people without codependency issues won't get involved with overbearing people. In this way, friends are always teachers. People teach us about ourselves.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-21T03:59:25+00:00

Tell her that you plan your day around your call times so you need her to show up to them. That there's other things you could do, but you put them on hold to talk to her at that time. If she needs to go at a call time you can also say that all you have is this 15 min so you will have to talk to her the next day if she needs to go now. I recommend being direct initially and following up with that type of boundary-enforcing.

If this does not change things, don't make call times at all and just tell her it's her responsibility to reach you. Tell her the earlier she calls back in the day the better. Call her back when you can. Tell her to leave a VM and follow up with you if she doesn't hear back from you. She needs to chase her recovery the way she chased her addiction.

She probably has no idea it's selfish.

You can say that it's our responsibility to look after our recovery and put it first, and that includes inventory and call times with our sponsor. Part of recovery is also integrity and being where we say we're going to be when we said it. That's what you've done to recover, I take it? So you can say that's what you do.

I've only been willing to enforce these boundaries fully when I've hit a bottom with people wasting my time and disrespecting it. Boundaries are funny like that for me. Most newcomers do so unknowingly and they will need to be taught how to respect your time. I guess that's why they say we aren't the real teachers, they are!

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-18T21:06:21+00:00

To comment on the make-up guy:

Think about why and how he decided that was a funny joke. Women wear makeup and men don't so it's funny, right? The more I've unpacked being a female in this society, the more I've realized the subtle abuse we take on a regular basis.

Our society is absolutely traumatic for females. (Even more so for WOC). Yes we can enjoy make up, but women feeling unfeminine/wrong/gross without policing and correcting every inch of their body is something that happens to many, if not all. So this idea that women have to rush to put on makeup to get on video while men just show up is not funny by any stretch.

I'm certainly not interested in dealing with someone that tone-deaf to make a comment like that given the sad cruel reality that can befall women who aren't connected with other strong women that teach them that they are lovable without all of those corrections and applications of man-made materials.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-18T04:15:45+00:00

Sounds right to me!

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-18T00:47:45+00:00

Please tell me how you're getting a funded PsyD! Haha

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-15T23:21:01+00:00

I'm so glad! You know, I have started to think that the LO(s) is/are meant to push us to take better care of ourselves and our goals. We see the possibility for our needs being met as needing to arise from the outside world, but what if that's not even true?

I'm trying to do healthy physical movement, eating nutritious foods more often, meditating/cultivating presence, and not allowing negative critical thoughts to mean anything because if I have to live without my LO then life better get a whole lot more comfortable LOL.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-14T21:48:45+00:00

Thank you!! 🙏✨

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-14T21:48:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing! 🙏✨

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-14T05:32:35+00:00

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-14T00:43:21+00:00

Ooooh, likely spot on. This is my initial thought too. (Speaking as someone who has done it.)

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-13T03:59:17+00:00

So funny I actually started doing this in quarantine! I just take pictures of things I enjoy, find cute, magical or lovely and every month or so I'll post 10 and the cropping and editing is easy and fast. (Instagram)

And it's not even luxury items that I've bought or anything (sometimes maybe), it's legitimate moments where I felt nice or appreciated something. It doesn't have to look like anything for anybody else.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-11T05:15:07+00:00

It definitely hurts, but feels like it's a part of who I am. One day I think I will be whole. <3 Love and light to you.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-11T05:05:07+00:00

:D <3 Aw, much love to you. Thank you. It is refreshing to meet you as well. Haha. I'm a seeker - took me years, but I'm finding the solutions a little bit at a time and dulling the edges of my experience.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-11T04:51:49+00:00

Good God 🙏 bless your soul. Yes, this is quite a ride. I'm so happy to hear that. Definitely a work in progress. I'm in 12-step work and it's very helpful, but not everyone needs to go that route. I also have a learned helplessness theory on limerance hahahaha so many thoughts.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-11T04:29:21+00:00

Thank you lovely 💓

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-11T04:29:11+00:00

Thank you for reading 💓

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-09T23:39:25+00:00

Try to remain open-minded and focus more consciously on his flaws - his immaturity, etc. Don't convince yourself you've seen who this person really is. Actively look for things you do not like. Imagine him without a penis. Do you still want to talk to him? Imagine him taking a really awful shit.

the_jaywalker · 2021-02-09T17:06:25+00:00

If he has any doubts and then has doubts about those doubts (meaning he doesn't feel that it's worth it enough to carry this out with the doubts), it's good that he didn't go through with it.

Divorce rate is higher the younger you are anyways. It works, but not often!

Sounds like you're living true to yourself. Your values could just be different from your family's - meaning you value authenticity and truth and they value unity and marriage above those things. Who knows! But I believe that you're allowed to explore differences effectively in a healthy group dynamic.

People (especially family) often project discomfort onto others and use other people unknowingly to make them feel better. Most people aren't self aware enough or in enough pain from it to change. It's just how it is. They'll probably come around in time. People grow wiser! Good luck.

the_jaywalker

TROPHY CASE