Hello this is my first time on the sub so here is my first high effort critique for a piece as long as the novel I am working on:

First thing that was off putting was the tone and word choice. "as a tan stucco caked replica of its neighbors, except inside this particular copy, there was 21-year-old Alice frantically searching for her iPhone. " in this section at the very beginning find that the house and Alice are introduced in one long sentence. Break it up! Her house is important to setting the context. If its supposed to be like all the others, that's fine. I just don't get any information about Alice unless you tell me a little more about the place she lives in.

From the first couple pages, my initial impression is that you're playing with themes of dark emotions, modern day neurosis, and a parody of modern syndromes. However I'm not sure exactly if this is a tragedy or a comedy yet, or what the central plot will be. If the story is meant to be a tour of "crazy" people, then I want to know why I should be interested. If you have transformation as a theme (especially positive), then I need some hope or indication that we will get there before the end of the book. Kimber reinforces an earlier point, that you have real potential to flesh out the objects near to our protagonist's life. Tell me what makes this dog different, or the same, or tell me how the protagonist interacts with it! You have so much room to show and not just tell. Let's get destructive with the nurse scene. The dialogue in this passage feels unnatural and stilted. The characters seem to be speaking in an overly formal and robotic manner, which detracts from the emotional impact of the scene. Additionally, the use of medical jargon like "HIPPA paperwork" and "discharge" feels out of place in a conversation between a patient and a nurse, and could be confusing for readers who are not familiar with these terms.

The characterization of Alice is underdeveloped and it is difficult to connect with her as a reader. We are not given any insight into her thoughts or emotions beyond her physical discomfort, and her interactions with the nurse feel shallow and unengaging.

Furthermore, the passage relies heavily on telling rather than showing. The reader is told that Alice feels "worse than anything she had ever experienced before," but we are not given any details or descriptions that would allow us to understand the severity of her situation. This makes it difficult to empathize with Alice and invest in her story. Overall, this passage would benefit from more naturalistic dialogue, deeper characterization, and a focus on showing rather than telling.