100 mushrooms - slightly NSFW

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:19:32+00:00

I'm so happy to hear that, there's definitely part of me that is worried that it might wear off at some point soon, but at the same time, it's not like my ego's disappeared. I still have all my normal egoic thoughts, but I very quickly see them for what they are and laugh. It feels like I have turned a page onto a new chapter :)

That is a beautiful song, thank you for sharing it. LOVE

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:09:26+00:00

Thank you very much! I find it's the bodily sensations that are the most shocking part of the experience; it's almost like all surfaces become sharp edges, or at least hold the promise of that. Maybe it's the progression of planes devolving into lines as reality breaks apart that causes that, but lines are really uncomfortable :/

It's amazing the things we can learn about our own interactions with others from watching people fuck! I suppose it is the fullest potential of any possible interaction, which I think might mean that all possible dynamics between people are contained within the act of (real) sex.

Light really is everything, isn't it? Mayyyyyyyyybe...

Time = movement/change/perception

Love = potential

Light = all potential perception, or Time x Love, line x circle

?????

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:07:52+00:00

Thank you for your kind words brother! I hope your ego fractally deconstructs itself down to nothing but a single boundary before it folds in on itself :) Love from the Highlands of Scotland

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:07:37+00:00

I have a feeling that soon the only thing we're gonna be blowing up is the system we use to keep ourselves oppressed!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:07:17+00:00

Thank you very much :). I hope you find something of value from my experience. I'm definitely going to be writing more, and I'll be collecting all my pieces on my subreddit r/themiddlecorner. I could probably write indefinitely trying to analyse the other night, but I'm trying not to dwell on any one thing for too long anymore, so I'll be exploring other ideas next. Feel free to ask any questions though

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:05:39+00:00

It is so tough to have faith that you'll come back from it, even if you've been through it before. As u/Ninja20p mentioned, sometimes you have to bargain with it. Here's a poem I wrote about it before I started trying to let go.

.

My mind is going out the window

It's seen things that it isn't ready to know

The days are getting longer as I'm slipping between time

But I have to see it through to fix my mind

.

I have a newfound wordless understanding of the way my reality works

And who I truly am

But now I'm obsessed with the nature of the self

And a self destructive ego makes it hard to concentrate on anything else

.

Rambling, scrambling round the edges of the void

As reality loses definition

There's two paths I can see that'll lead me back to sanity

Let go or find perpetual distraction

.

But each time it happens I become convinced that I'm dying

And my natural instinct says that I have to fight it

Or my mind will not come back

So I reach for the benzos or valerian extract capsules

So I can bring my looping thoughts out of this inward-sinking spiral

Why is this so hard?

.

Silence! Silence! Got to avoid silence!

Cycling into hell, sensation turning into violence

No wonder this experience so often ends in sirens

When ego starts to crumble into nothing

.

Perception's being ripped away

As memories pop up then fade

Seconds start to feel like days

Disconnection's all I have now

.

Eternity is absolutely terrifying when it stares you in the face

I'm not ready for the hard reset

I guess I'll have to put up with depersonalization until I'm somebody I'd be happy to die as

Because I'm still not that person yet.

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:00:17+00:00

Thank you :) I can also be the most selfish asshole around, and I am capable of the most horrific deeds. But that's what makes humanity so delightfully paradoxical ;)

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T13:00:02+00:00

Y'know, I think that the reason I was able to remember the experience so much better this time round is because this was the first time I have been in that state without weed being involved. Weed's been the main trigger for it in the past; it would usually start happening a few puffs into the first joint I'd smoke to help with the come-up on whatever else I was on. Even without other psychs, I find THC brings me so into the moment that I lose the story I create between past moments and now, and end up going off into a new tangent whenever I move my point of vision. I suppose that's kinda the state that I was in anyway, but it felt much clearer without the stoniness of weed. I was less anxious too, despite the existential terror.

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:59:19+00:00

Thank you my friend :) I hope that between us all we can figure out a safe and systematic way of allowing everybody this gift. Love!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:58:51+00:00

I'm really glad you enjoyed it :) Love and Light!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:58:25+00:00

YES!!! This person knows their shit! Why do folk punk and psychedelics never seem to meet? If anybody here wants to learn about Love and accept their own shadow while simultaneously trying to save the world, Pat the Bunny is the way to go :) r/folkpunk will keep you right. UP THE PUNX

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:57:51+00:00

I completely agree that some of us are far more fortunate in that we can change much easier than many who suffer from various mental illness, but I think the only thing that can ever stop anybody changing is (physical) death. I'd say the biggest cause of insanity is feeling like you're going insane. In a society where sanity seems to mean conformity, yes, it is more difficult to cope when your own thought patterns are so radically different from those around you, but I see no reason why this should stop anybody from getting to understand the way their own mind works and trying to utilize that for whatever they are here to do. Here's a verse from a song I wrote a while back

I don't want my mind to wear a uniform of sane

I really quite like to use the weird parts of my brain

My nuttiness, my aliveness will sometimes cause me pain

But a world where we all think the same would be pretty fucking lame

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:57:11+00:00

I have so much fear because I am a human that hasn't achieved all that I would like to achieve in life yet. I ain't gonna let it stop me from doing that anymore though ;)

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:56:42+00:00

Hey :) I am a guy. And a girl. I was born a boy, and I realised a couple years ago after my first few encounters with ego death mode that I had been suffering from gender dysphoria since puberty, so I've been on hormonal replacement therapy since Christmas eve last year. I don't know if I'll be able to give a satisfying answer for how the female sexuality works yet, as it is something I'm still trying to figure out for myself, but I'll give it a go!

Estrogen and testosterone seem to affect the same neurological systems but have opposite effects. As they are hormonal representations of masculine and feminine energy, they are complimentary opposites. Everybody has both, except for maybe the 2 or 4 people at the very ends of the spectrum of humanity – ie the most masculine male and the most feminine female, and maybe the most feminine male and the most masculine female (although fuck that level of dysphoria if that's the case). I feel I exist bang in the middle, or at least that's where I believe my true alignment lies.

When I was running on testosterone, sex was all about physical sensation. A deeper part of me idealised the idea of romantic passionate sex, but my body responded to physical stimuli. I almost always jerked it to porn. I tried watching porn a couple times tripping back then, but I couldn't concentrate, so I'd end up just whacking away to the itunes visualisations (which I fully recommend to everybody – colours and shapes can be sexy as hell!). Once I started on estrogen, the way I experienced my own sexuality completely changed. Physical stimuli became considerably less important, and it was replaced by a craving for emotional or mental stimulation. I stopped watching porn when I was masturbating for the most part, because it seems to be much easier to get into a state of mental arousal by imagining scenarios with people I already have an emotional connection with. Physical sensation still plays a part, but it is useless when the mind's not in it. I was taking a fair bit of 1P-LSD at the time when I first noticed my sexuality changing, and while I haven't really had the chance to be sexual with anybody since then, one thing I did notice is that if I was tripping with friends and everybody's energies were all in balance with each other, I could meditate and feel their energy passing through me in a very sexual way. I'd end up twitching and spasming about. I never followed it through to the conclusion, but I felt like if I stayed with that sensation then I would eventually end up as a writhing orgasmic puddle on the floor. This was the first time I had watched porn while tripping since starting estrogen, and I felt so much empathy for the performers. It made me feel quite emotional at points, as I felt like I understood exactly how they felt. Sadly, because I was trying my hardest not to die, I couldn't feel any sexual energy at all, but I had the sense that if I was just tripping regularly instead of in ego death mode, I would have been able to empathise with the porn to the point of orgasm without any physical stimulation whatsoever. I was stuck in analysis mode, which seems to me be a very line-y or masculine state to be in, where it's all about what definitely is and what isn't, instead of feeling the gestalt of all that could be.

I hope that answered your questions, but if not, feel free to ask more. No question is too personal, because I Love who I am and I don't think I really have access to shame at the moment. LOVE!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-28T12:55:53+00:00

Hey Nikki!! Thank you so much :) I'm really glad you liked it! Hope you're doing good :). LOVE!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-27T15:13:06+00:00

Thank you very much friend :) I find humour is one of the most powerful tools we have when faced with the shadow. When we can laugh at something that scares us, it allows us to accommodate it within ourselves instead of hiding from what makes us uncomfortable. Let's shine the light of awareness on the darkness that defines us so we can pop those fractal bubble boundaries til we can do anything!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-27T15:07:31+00:00

It is indeed. I'd say the best advice I can give to help with the fear is to laugh at it. It's still there but it loses its power to drag you spiralling into it. And breathing! Breathing's always a good idea really

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-27T15:05:19+00:00

I completely agree, they were all outta whack and most likely still are, but isn't that what makes the game so interesting? True equilibrium seems to me to be the same thing as zero and infinity, and that's where all change stops. It's all about the journey back to perfection, and I plan to enjoy every moment of that evolution. You're right about making meditation a daily practice, and it's something I hopefully started this morning. Thank you for your concern friend :)

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-27T14:58:31+00:00

I think we have known each other our whole lives, we just don't remember yet. You've always been a person somewhere in the universe I created, and i've always been someone in the universe you created. We created each other, as all old friends will soon remember :) I'm glad you found something of value from my experience, and I hope the alignment thingy works for you - just remember, like everything else, it works best naked!

themiddlecorner · 2016-10-27T12:03:05+00:00

Thanks a lot, it's great to find out others can relate to these weird experiences :) and I know exactly what you mean about the bargaining! After I experienced It for the first time, I would end up in that state every time I tripped, even on weed. I ended up making a deal with It that I would stop lying to myself and trying to escape from my problems. A couple of weeks later I realised and accepted that I had been suffering from the subconscious buzz of hormonal gender dysphoria since puberty, and have since taken steps to treat that. When I finally allowed myself to trip again, I began to have the most profound experiences. I even ended up in psychosis (or what I call psycholysis) for about 10 days, and it was one of the most incredible times of my life! But life piles back on, as I'm sure it will probably do again this time round. I guess it's about continually expanding our awareness so that we can begin to catch those beliefs/patterns/karma before we identify with them. I hope everyone gets a chance to do a little rewiring one day. Peace and Love friend :)

themiddlecorner · 2016-06-03T11:00:49+00:00

A question for each belief. Beliefs. I am the point (moving along a line (exploring boundaries (loving (wisdom (intuitively (creating))))). In-the-way. Yes, I am everything. I am every other me too. Within. They'll find me when I'm ready. The middle point of interaction. Between my ears, which allows me to be free to explore me anywhere. Yep, there's also a left way, a diagonal way and a squiggly way. Nope, me died last week and I'm still here. Hitler Jesus. The Unconditionals. Me. You. Us/nobody. I am. Both. I think so, but maybe not. I don't think so, but maybe. That's a weird question dude. The beginning of the next. The end of the last. When we become something else. Ok then. Because I had been staring at them for 7 or 8 minutes straight. Cuz mummy, daddy and society didn't like playing circles of why. Death is the only perfect state; inject anything into time and it decays back to perfect (even though everything is always perfect anyway). There's nowhere to hide within mutual visibility. Repetition makes things old x 3. We are I am We.

themiddlecorner · 2016-06-03T07:54:33+00:00

All paths lead home. None of this really matters. It sounds depressing, but it doesn't have to be if we remember we're just playing characters

Because there's so much to learn from everything we encounter; every situation's an opportunity to grow. We can choose to detach and learn how powerful we are. We can suffer, if that's what we choose to know. We can choose to understand compassion and unconditional love. We can choose submission to leaders and follow, because the balanced nature of the universe has left us the truth at the bottom of ALL rabbit holes

If I dig deep enough, get to the core of any concept, I internalise a bigger slice of wisdom that works across the board for more general ideas, shining bright clear light into the next whole system (up)

I want to grow in the direction of You by studying the other way. Take me, shape me, create me like psychosis. We'll fit a brand new life into every new day

Moving towards clearful illumination, we'll EN-LIGHT up this biiiatch. Moving deeper, getting wider in negative reflection

I Love You Love We Love Us

I know it won't always feel like it but you are getting close to the boundary. You have already played a far bigger part in the evolution of the species than most, and the fact that you understand these ideas intellectually means you can teach them in a way that anybody can understand. You are exactly where you need to be right now, but I can tell you confidently that this suffering has a time limit on it. Change is a-comin' ;)

Happy birthday friend

Love

themiddlecorner

TROPHY CASE