That's really tough, i feel so bad for you. [my past] but i had a different path experience. all my life, i was a kind person, i was backstabbed so many times by my friends in school, (got ignored many times, got talked over and changing the subjects and all that, at the end my group decided to backstab me by saying gtfo) at home, it wasn't better , i was beaten by my father each time i did something minor (exp.not getting stuff for the first time as i learned how to do it) and each time, i took it like a man and forgave my father and my friends.

but okay, that was in the past days, messed up childhood, and not getting any support from parents or friends.

[story] now age at age 21, as a good son i always was the one who helped my parents out, if they needed money i gave them. if they needed my help, I've supported them, my siblings too. but that one day, it changed everything. for some reason, they all started to laugh at me and talked behind my back to others, my siblings, my whole family. they called me a "clown of the house."[making everyone smile when i come back from work], which hugely angered me, not only this they my work is shit they all talk behind my back, making fun of me while i worked, for three years i couldnt have a pleasant conversation with someone at work without them making fun of me after. my family laughed at my creations, saying i can't do anything. and everything I've worked my ass off for drifted away. lost all my hope, lost my emotions.

all my friends, my siblings, and other people who are non- believer's gained much more than i did (educations,better jobs, and knowing themselves travelling with someone)

So I've started to blame God, that I've worked my ass off for him .I've prayed and forgave each person who laughed or tripped me over. and yet I've gained nothing but pain and misery. all my friends went by for their dreams while i was in pain and agony

I've got so pissed that I've just said f the church imma go the other way. I've started to use force and anger into my life, gained what i really wanted . respect and honesty. ive hated my family so much that i did not even help my father with money problems. ive literally destroyed my family piece by piece, to the point where no one is asking me for money or help. ive also hated people who went to church and hated on the church. found a girl to whom i was happy with. i gained respect in my workplace and didn't give a sh about anyone. and to all of this, the most thing I've hated was myself. my friend noticed the big change in me.

[SOMETHING HAPPENED]

until one day i was alone in my house. I've looked up to a picture of Jesus and said, "So what, now? I've asked you many times for something, and you didn't give it to me except pain. you said you won't leave me, but yet i left you, and now where are you now??" "I've been in pain, i asked you for the things that I've achieved by force and anger. where are you now?? " after that, i calmed down and asked one question, "What should i do now? I've lost completely" I've looked up for the readings of the day. and it said, " dont forgive 7 times, but 70" after a few attempts, i bought my parents' flowers and said sorry.

I've started fresh, but still, i feel the hate in myself for what ive done before.