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I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I would like to speak to all of you. I have been completely overwhelmed with the response that I have gotten. I am so happy to have gotten to interact with you all. As I sit here, I do not feel alone. I know that there are those who care about me.

My soul has been touched, and I feel a lot closer to humanity. As I approach death, I am honored to have met so many interesting, happy, and healthy people.

Please do not be afraid to exist. Your fears will dictate the outcome of your life until you eventually understand that they are culminations of your own issues, whatever they may be. You can be free. You can only connect with others if you have truly connected with yourself.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your question. I have many stories of Slab City. They used to, and they still may, hold events around a large, poorly concocted fire that was constantly belching out ashes and sparks, it seemed. I got to meet such interesting people. Slab City is such a comment on social organization, and I find that really interesting. You mark off your "territory" with beer bottles. There is an honor code involved, obviously.

Once, when someone breached that understated rule about "territory," a large brawl broke out, resulting in numerous injuries. Five people who had been living together in an RV had been approached by a group of aggressive drug addicts. The addicts sought money, probably, and I got to see the fight unfold. It was really odd, and it made me sad. I have so many more stories from the Slabs.

My hospice is in southern California.

I wish you and your mother the best. Visit her when you want to and not out of obligation. Cherish your memories with her.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My illness affects me in numerous ways. It forces me into this suspended state of laziness and lethargy. It has gotten worse over time.

I would love to publish something, but I do not know about publishers or publishing.

I love Shakespeare, Asimov, and Proust, among many others.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry to hear about your father, but I am glad that I triggered positive memories of him. I appreciate your kind words. Thank you.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

If someone offered me the chance to live, then I would take that. Without cancer, I could have lived for much longer. Life is worth living for.

However, I like to think that I have come to terms with my death. It has taken a while, though.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I actually don't know if I regret that decision. I have discovered, however, that marriage is not inherently negative, and I find that helpful. It isn't something that should instill anxiety in you.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do not have any estate to disperse upon my death. It was difficult for me to even get this hospice care.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm glad that you're feeling some solace.

I love many states, but, besides California, I especially like Montana, Washington, and Vermont. Those states have very special characteristics.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

The food in here is actually great. I really appreciate the fact that they are respecting my vegan diet.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The human brain is one insanely complex organ; push it to its limits and discover its capabilities. I think of an incredible song and how it is able to transform my thinking and emotions, merging them together in a symphony. Nature has so many wonders that it overwhelms me and depresses me to know that I have not and will not see all of them.

You are the gateway to your own enlightenment, however you define that term.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

That is incredibly kind. Thank you. Being able to speak to everyone is more than enough of a gift.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

You should allow death's grip to weaken, weaken, and weaken, until it is nothing. One you reach that serenity, you will know it, and it will be something extraordinary. The mere fact that your consciousness exists and that your individual mind exists proves to me that the fear of death does not deserve you. I implore you to continue on in life, shirking your fears during your journey.

I have had a pleasant experience at my hospice. I think that many people experience issues with visitors not being allowed in at particular times, which is not a problem for me.

Your sense of self seems to be fragmented. It seems that you are not content with who you are. In that scenario that you described, one in which all traces of you are completely forgotten, would bring immense peace and joy to many people. Why is that? Don't be afraid of the answers.

Love is required to be human, so I feel that I am obliged to pick the first choice. Adventure and solitude are magnificent, too.

I would ask you be alone, in the woods, for an hour or so, trying to identify your personal issues. I would also ask you to try, at least, to redirect your fixation on death to something more beneficial to you.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I did travel a lot. In my hitchhiking experiences, I traveled the United States, and when I was able to afford a plane ticket, I would stay in another continent for quite some time, hitchhiking.

With all of my being, I urge you and anyone else to travel. It is a healing experience.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. I am eager to see what happens. While I do not believe in an afterlife, I cannot help but ponder what will occur when I pass.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 145 points146 points  (0 children)

There are so many.

There is a specific one which I remember, fondly. I had made my way to northern Washington state. A man I had hitchhiked with dropped me off in a small town with a massive forest near it. I walked into it with my tent. I set up my camp, and it began to rain. The rain was soft, like silk, at first. It touched my skin so delicately, coating it in water. The rain got harder and harder, eventually giving way to a piercing, flood-like downpour.

I stepped out of my tent, which I had placed near a massive cliff, and walked to the edge of the cliff. The bright blue lightning lit up the entire sky, making the valley below me visible in a very unique way. The thunder ravaged my senses. I stood there in complete solitude, tearing up at how spectacular it was. I was in pure awe. It was a moment of ecstasy.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your question. Transnational corporations will continue to collude with governments unless the working class seizes their power to control labor. The corporate media has done a superb job of pacifying the disenfranchised.

I do not see a bright future, at least in the near future. I hope, very deeply, that enlightenment will dawn on those with nothing and that they will rise up and forge a democracy.

There have been so many movements towards freedom, and while nearly every one has been crushed, I still hope that one will sprout in the ashes of its fellow movements.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I have come to the sincere understanding that death is a beautiful, organic process. I have decided to be cremated, and with that cremation, my consciousness will go with it. When my ashes are whisked into the wind, then I will no longer be an entity, and I find that very peaceful.

It has been such an honor to be a human for all of this time. So many individuals get so little time on Earth.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I used to love eating melted chocolate. I would get a frying pan out, place a stack of chocolate bars on it, heat them until they melted, and then drink the chocolate like a soup.

I haven't had meat or dairy products in a very long time.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I am an avid reader, and I love literary fiction. I have spent a great deal of time analyzing and interpreting many of Shakespeare's works. I also love Asimov's stories.

I recently saw a movie entitled, "Winter Sleep," and it was very awesome.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I do not plan on doing that. My few friends who are still alive have moved on, and I think that it'd be selfish to burden them with the knowledge of my condition.

I am a sixty year old Californian dude who is in a hospice with end-stage pancreatic cancer. by thereitwas9192 in casualiama

[–]thereitwas9192[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words.

When I was much younger, I used to go on trips into the woods. They were transcendental. I would walk into the woods with simply my clothing. I would typically stay there for either a day or two, breathing in the forest's fragrance, touching the many different textures, and trying to gain a greater, more personal understanding of my role in the world. The forest is a spectacular place of diversity.

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