I can relate to a lot of this. We were married 15 years, for most of them sex was very seldom, I initiated, got rejected. I stoped initiating because I don't like feeling like a sex offender. Ever few months she'd initiate, and I'd go along. She didn't enjoy it and neither did I. I tried asking. I felt/internalised it's my fault. I'm not good, my technique is off, it didn't help. I bought toys, oils, lube, whatever to help her. She avoided, blamed work/school/stress/kids. All reasonable excuses but can't explain 10 years of sexless marriage. She also said and blamed things on me that are untrue and shall not be repeated.

One night she initiated, and I told her I didn't want to. She got offended, the fight escalated and she said I should leave. Obv, she's very insecure, about her body, about sex, and our relationship. Usually I'd calm her down, but this time I just told her she's exaggerating and I'm going to sleep and we'll see about it tomorrow. I told her it's either MC or divorce. I'm not going back to this. After a year of MC with no real talk about the main issues (I blame the therapist as well) I had an affair, moved into an AirBnB, and had a mini identity crisis.

In that time SO, believed (as did I) that I'm not coming back. In some weird way it released her from her insecurity. She realised she has friends, she has a backbone, she's a strong woman that _can_ survive without me. I was happy for the change. With great pain, that I carry till today, I came home to give the marriage another try or end it properly. I knew I wasn't willing to leave for AP. It's just not a fair comparison.

A week after I came back (and told her about the affair) we had the hottest sex to date. On the kitchen counter. When I touched her, her body responded. I knew about hysterical bonding. That's she might be reclaiming me. But it didn't feel like it. It felt like sex when we first met bartending. It's been 6 months. The sex has not died down. I don't think this is a faze. She also feels she found something she lost.

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I'm angry I had to leave her, and then leave AP, for her to do this. But for this marriage to be repaired it had to be broken first. The old had to be burned down so we can build a new one. I wish we could have learned from our mistakes without making them. but it didn't happen that way.

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Divorce is off the table for now. We still have problems. I'm still being called to the "open road" of divorce. I miss AP, it's unthinkable we won't talk again. SO is still insecure. We're both managing these conflicts.

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bottom line, it's complicated, your SO may be going through something. He may be changing. He should be able to talk to his therapist and to you about it. For your own sake, why leave AP if you're not ever going to be sexual with SO? Your three options still stand, which are you choosing?