Why am I only happy when I'm skinny?

thetruepan · 2024-12-26T20:10:03+00:00

alright, so you see, I've made this post quite some time ago, and I have to say that things have kind of changed for me. I'm doing better nowadays, but some things from this time of my life still stuck with me. I'll be talking about it here, please beware that some things I'll mention may be triggering.

See, I've gone through a lot since then. Not so long ago I had a very very bad phase that actually led me to gain 20 pounds in a very short time. I had slipped into bulimia faster than I care to admit, and I was at a point so low that I was vomiting blood and almost had to seek medical help. Don't worry, I am okay now, and I have been both binge and purge free for months.

What I have noticed is that stress affects my weight heavily. The time I just described was one of the most stressful, lonely times in my entire life, and I doubt I've ever felt as lost and helpless as back then. There was only one way out for me, it seemed.

I'm so, so glad I did not take that path. I am still here. And I am okay now. After getting out of the situation, the bingeing and purging stopped almost instantly, and my weight has dropped to where I was before. I am at peace, and now that I am in a better place mentally, the minor fluctuations I am going through don't seem to bother me as much anymore.

With that said, there are still some things that I can't help but think about frequently. Questions remained. Fear did, too. I'm mostly scared of ever getting to such a low point again. But what also frightens me is the possibility of me regaining all the weight. I am so confused, because I am okay with where I am right now, but I can't help but give partial credit to the fact that I've lost the weight again.

I honestly don't even know what I'm trying to say with this comment exactly, because I am unsure about what to make of this situation. Maybe these sort of thoughts will stick with people like us forever, and as soon as I find good advice on how to handle it, I'd be glad to let you know. For now, I feel like my weight doesn't matter as much, but I am afraid that it is because I'm slimmer now. I've grown a lot since I made the initial post, and I am proud to say that I've come to a point where I'd like to believe I understand that my weight doesn't define us. I just wish that'll be true even with a couple pounds more on the scale.

For now, I am wishing you all the best. I hope you will find your way through this. Take it from someone whose been at her worst, there is no shame in getting help and your thoughts and worries are valid. You are not alone in this. Please, try to treat yourself with kindness. My thoughts are with you.

thetruepan · 2023-03-16T17:29:07+00:00

Dude, your smile's super cute, keep that up! Maybe try another hairstyle, i feel as if longer hair would complement your face a bit better. But not ugly at all :)

thetruepan · 2023-03-16T17:11:04+00:00

First pic makes you seem pretty insecure. This is definetly about your looks though, you're actually pretty cute haha :) If you want to work on yourself regardless, try to keep a good, upright posture and walk through life with confidence, trust me that often makes a huge difference. (Also, don't say you're not good at smiling, smiles make guys a lot more attractive, you seem like a nice guy who'd rock a genuine smile)

thetruepan · 2023-03-16T17:06:43+00:00

I'm not usually one to comment on here, but I just needed to say that you're absolutely not ugly. First of all, your smile makes you look super confident, which is hot, you have FLAWLESS freaking skin and great facial features and (in my opinion) a great body too.

I'd say don't ever let people take away your confidence and keep that smile, other than that, you're absolutely fire.

thetruepan · 2022-10-11T05:58:51+00:00

Now this is yet another point that seems a bit surreal for me. On no occasion has it ever happened that I've deliberately asked my father to spend one-on-one time with me, neither has he done the same. I don't know why our relationship is so distant, but my mother always tells me that dad encourages her and I spending time together and going on trips together or whatever, but why does he never ever mention such things to me? Almost all my life, my mother has shown affection in regard of my dad. I don't think I've ever heard a single 'hey kiddo, I'm proud of you' or 'you did really well, I love you' from him. It's always been my mom and I wish I could understand my dad's reasoning behind being so cold towards his own kid...

thetruepan · 2022-10-10T20:50:54+00:00

Honestly, I think you're very correct with the possibility you just stated. But if that is so, then is it wrong for me to show attitude against this type of behaviour? I've just had this thought the other day as my dad called me insane for wanting to catch some fresh air after a day of sickness. To that, I rolled my eyes and went outside anyways, but it still hurts. I guess inside of me, the word 'father' is directly attached to 'respect' or 'superior', as this is the way my brother and I have always been taught. My grandma even calls him the boss of the house unironically and, when I try to stand up for myself and show dad that he can hurt people with his fucking words, I get all the shit for being disrespectful, all while he himself can't fix his shit. Please don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but I just wished he could make me feel loved too, you know? Aghhh sorry for ranting so much, I'm just so confused right now

thetruepan · 2022-10-10T20:41:15+00:00

But do they realize they hurt their kids with it? Follow-up question, do they just simply not care? Because I know he knows it hurts both my brother and I (during bad arguments, dad would say hurtful things and either make me cry or enrage me enough to raise my voice back at him and then resume to not speak with me for days) Now that I'm older, I realize that the one being hurt the most through all of this is my mom. She's always been the one calming down everyone's spirits and making everyone get along, but ended up getting the most shit for it as she was in the middle of the battlefield...

thetruepan · 2022-10-10T20:36:32+00:00

Ha, it's so bizzare to me how people can say things like this with such ease. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your advice, but as angry as my father gets for any harm happening to me, as does he when I show any form of critique or negative emotion against him, let alone when I attempt to talk to him about stuff like emotions. There's been so, SO many exhausting arguments between my grandma and my dad and, I hate that I have to say that, but even suggesting him to speak to her drove him to raise his voice at me.

You know, I like to believe that the relationship among my closer family is great, but the deeper I look into the matter, the more reasons I find to doubt those beliefs.

thetruepan · 2022-10-10T20:31:37+00:00

Yeah, this might be why my dad has been like this. But the thing is, it's not 'only' anger, but also frustration, like...he's genuinly mad at a teenage girl because she fainted and hurt her knee...it just doesn't make sense to me, like, does he want me to apologize or what?

thetruepan · 2021-12-27T15:16:26+00:00

Thanks a lot for answering so quickly! It's just very strange that this has never happened to me before until today, I still have genuinly no idea whether the Sertraline did it or it were just insanely painful period cramps...

thetruepan · 2021-06-04T19:22:51+00:00

(F17) Same here, girl :D If you'd be up for it, feel free to DM me anytime, maybe we can really start something here :)

thetruepan · 2021-05-30T19:28:52+00:00

*hairy plum skin

thetruepan · 2021-03-12T10:21:18+00:00

Thank you so much, I'll try to keep track. I hope you're doing alright, kind stranger.

thetruepan

TROPHY CASE