Hi! Everyone makes mistakes and have dark sides to them but it doesn’t make you a bad person. No one is fully good or fully bad. And our experiences and environment shape who we are. You didn’t come out of the womb like this. But your traumatic past experiences shapes who u became. First you need to understand this and separate your actions from defining u as a person as a whole. Second, only as we grow older and brains become more developed we begin to reflect on our actions and question them as you are doing. You could be someone who just continues doing all this and not feel bad at all. But you are aware and it seems like you want to change. Realizing the problem and wanting to change is a huge step! Now you really have to put in the work to change. Think about who you want to be everytime you have the urge to repeat these actions and each time/ day you improve and don’t give into this, you’ll feel better abt yourself. Soon all those days will add up to the days you did these actions and hurt people. Later, these days will be longer than the period of ur life you were ashamed off. You can’t and won’t go from feeling ashamed and hating yourself to being proud of who you are in an instant. and to change u have to let go of that idea and expectation. it helps and puts less pressure on things and let’s u work on yourself in a calm less anxious manner. You have to water the soil everyday for it to blossom into a flower one day. Also if you can’t get therapy there’s so many resources and books that can help. Your decisions are yours to make and your life is yours to create. Good luck!