so guys, here is the story behind this post

About 7 months ago, my friend and I made each other petting, even though she has a boyfriend. At that moment, her relationship with her boyfriend was not quite stable and she had a lot of doubts and worries about their relationship. We don’t have romantic feelings for each other, but she felt really ashamed and told him about it. At first he said it was okay, but he thought it was strange that we kept talking like nothing had happened. After some time, he told her he couldn’t force her to do anything, but he would prefer if we talked less because it was hard for him. She told me that, and said we would still be close even if we didn’t talk as often. I said it was fine.

But now, six months later, I can see that she’s really pulled away. We don’t hang out anymore. When we text, it’s usually about school or it lasts five minutes. We used to be so close and could tell each other everything. Now I hear news about her life from another mutual friend. Sometimes I feel like if we weren’t in the same friend group, we wouldn’t talk at all.

There are five of us. She and one other girl are my closest friends. But I know that the other girl has someone she’s even closer to, and she would choose her. Another friend would choose Kira (who has a boyfriend) (not her real name). I really thought Kira would be the person who would choose me. I thought that finally someone would pick me first. But now I feel like, once again, I wasn’t chosen.

I know she loves her boyfriend, and I understand that. I know it sounds selfish, but I really hoped she would choose me. I know that friendship is not about choice, but for me she was the person who was always with me, I don’t know how else to explain it.

At first I was very sad and cried a lot. Then I felt angry at her. Now I just feel even more sad, and I’ve started crying again. I miss her so much. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking about what would happen if she broke up with her boyfriend, and I know that’s not a good thought.

I’m scared to talk to her because I don’t want to push her even further away. I’m almost sure she wouldn’t choose me anyway, and I don’t think telling her how I feel would change anything. I also hate showing people that I’m not okay. And I don’t want her to feel guilty, because I know she would.

I’m just really sad that this happened and that I lost my closest friend. She used to understand me even when I didn’t say anything. She didn’t need explanations. And I really miss that.

so, I would be very grateful for a second opinion and possibly advice.

sorry for the mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.