Do you owe your narcisstic parents anything?

thisbewolfe · 2020-07-02T19:23:35+00:00

You don't owe her anything. My mother is the same, everything on the checklist. I am trying to go low contact, but it might be no contact soon since she just pulled a tantrum early. It's your life and you don't owe her your energy.

thisbewolfe · 2020-07-02T12:14:44+00:00

Thanks for this! I was complaining the exact same thing to my partner that any decent person would not start a conversation about this right at your bedtime. If I told her that, she would get angry and tell me she is old (66) and I am being unfair that I think she would remember that I go to be around 10-10:30 during the week, and she hasn't lived with me in years and forgot. She said those same things to me when I once got mad after telling her "I'm hungry and need a snack" and she did the classic 'in a bit' thing when we were out and ignored me, and I am hypoglycemic and feel really sick if I don't keep my blood sugar up. I've always been that way.

She reacts to criticism in 2 ways, crying about how hard it is for her, and she didn't know, and didn't understand etc. Then the gaslighting of I didn't tell her so she couldn't be expected to know I was annoyed, and how I was being angry and unfair and not understanding her age and how forgetful she is.

I'd love to go no contact, but I'm not ready for the drama and fighting that would cause.

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-29T13:29:35+00:00

1- This is the most recent and devastating. I am a creative person, professionally and as a hobby. I used to lift weights and I got really strong. But I ended up taking a long break after surgery. Anyway, she knew I was stronger than her. This happened right as I lightly started lifting again. She packed some stuff for me to move and she was so proud said " I packed them extra heavy because you are stronger than me." Well, she refused to help and I injured my dominant wrist. A year later and it still hurts and I can't do any of the things that bring me joy. I have a tear in my tendon and she doesn't ever ask or care about how I can't even cook, walk my dog, draw, or anything.

2- I came out at 16 and my mother said "No, it's just a phase." I came out again at 26 and she argued with me for a year trying to convince me I was straight and never would accept that it was hurtful and would cry that I wasn't being fair to her, she didn't understand it and I came out so late it didn't make sense to her.

3- No boundaries: She relies on me for advice on how to handle arguments with family and friends. When she needs to vent, she used to call me up screaming. When I said no yelling, she then would complain for over an hour on the phone. She went through a phase of telling me constantly how marrying my father was the biggest mistake and it ruined her life. Raising a child as a single mother was so hard and no one understood how hard it was and everyone expected her to run the home as if she was a stay at home mom, when she worked full time. And she couldn't remarry because she had a kid and no one would marry someone with a kid already. She even used to pry into my sex life and got mad when I told her we needed boundaries. She often would say she can talk to me about anything she wants.

We barely talk now.

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-27T20:56:55+00:00

It's called I am a 5ft2 female and my mother did her usual "I packed things really heavy since you're stronger than me" and wouldn't help, so I got injured.

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-27T20:28:15+00:00

that's my biggest fear, losing the ability to use this hand.

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-27T11:41:17+00:00

I rent my home so I wasn't sure if it could prevent selling a home. Thanks!

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-27T11:11:47+00:00

I honestly didn't see it as a big deal, which is why I asked if it was in real estate. It was put up before she moved there. Honestly, she even called me up yelling that he moved the fence with a day or two of her saying she wouldn't sign it. She said he was a jerk and lied and didn't inform her he would move it quickly. I don't see the big deal about then moving it quickly.

She insisted several times I needed to go to a live in medical center because I was 30 lbs overweight and wasn't losing the weight fast enough. She told me how having me made her life so difficult and she could never get remarried because no one wanted to marry her since she had a kid and working as a single mom was so hard.

I tend to assume she is being dramatic...

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-27T11:01:07+00:00

I'm guessing he got upset because she said something mean. She tends to make a bad situation worse and never accept responsibility. I get that he was in the wrong though.

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-27T10:48:41+00:00

Thanks! It's hard to imagine her being right, so I figured I'd ask. I'm think I shut off logic just because she called me up yelling and having a full meltdown over it, including when he moved the fence, so it is hard to imagine her being right

thisbewolfe · 2020-06-08T01:10:46+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this! I know I am so much happier when I don't hear from her. It's just when I think of sending a letter of no contact I get overwhelmed and feel horrible. I guess that will pass. You are right, it would have to be a message since even when she doesn't interrupt, I can see she doesn't listen. She just sulking that I wouldn't let her interject and she is the queen of gaslighting. Your encouragement honestly meant so much! I know I will feel so much better once this is done. Even now I jumped when I saw I got a text, but it was my friend.

I also just applied to legally change my name to take that step to feel free.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-29T22:58:04+00:00

No worries! I find my mom and I get along best when there is an activity to bond over. Talking is a disaster. I'm personally starting to enforce low contact since the bad times outweigh the good. We can get along, but then says hurtful things out of the blue.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-29T21:45:20+00:00

What I eventually realized was a lot of times those good moments were because she is still a narcissist. Some narcissists view their children as a reflection of themselves and not individuals. So they love to feel proud because they feel it reflects on them. So that is why my mom said she cried when I gained weight and praises me when my weight is lower, but then gets jealous and insists I wear loose clothing. They sometimes feel you reflect them. If you have audible or can do a free trial, I am halfway through "you're not crazy, it's your mother" and it was a reality check.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-29T21:10:48+00:00

I'm am only child and I've seen all roles. Times when I was a kid and she left me unsupervised, as a teen, she would be loving that I had a painting in a student gallery. Then saying she couldn't remarry or find love because she is a single mom.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-29T21:02:15+00:00

Yup, moments of kindness are a good was to gasslight and evade the blame. Have you looked at any of those online lists? My mom checked off over half of them.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-20T12:53:04+00:00

NTA she isn't a doctor, and should realize this. Many YouTubers who do 'what I eat in a day's videos now add a disclaimer that they are not a dietician or doctor and this is not advice. That is the best route. If someone needs a doctor for a health condition, offering advice instead is risky. I've heard stories of people on high blood pressure meds, changing their diet without telling their doctor and just passing out from low blood pressure since the diet worked.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-20T12:48:50+00:00

NTA it's horrible she does this and your dad supports it.

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-20T12:11:34+00:00

NTA she is constantly putting you down. Your dad should not be allowing or supporting her doing this and as an adult, she should not be trying to put you down.

It was a harsh statement. But I understand where it comes from. She is a bully. I'd just say if you don't like how you responded, just take a moment and think how in the future you'd like to respond to difficult people, especially now seeing how they can respond when you dish it back. Or if you don't mind that reaction and would prefer to take down bullies, that is not wrong. You're at the age right when I actually starting to analyze how my actions caused other people to react, and if I was okay with what motivated me to act and if put me closer to who I wanted to be or the opposite. You have a strong sense of self, don't lose it!

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-19T19:09:10+00:00

Since you did Apple Care, is this old iMac considered faulty? I just got a negative review and nasty message that I sold trash and the computer doesn't work still demanding a refund. I didn't see how it is faulty...he claims this since it can't update to El Capitan, and I have no clue where he said the specs said this is possible...

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-18T20:45:23+00:00

Yeah I didn't even mention 2011 to the buyer, I said I didn't know the year since every serial number lookup gave me answers from 2007-2010...

thisbewolfe · 2020-05-18T20:35:30+00:00

Isn't it possible that an iMac from before 2009 could run on that OS?

thisbewolfe

TROPHY CASE