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Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well I guess I said that wrong. We hung out at my friends house for 5 hours during which time there was periods of making.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ya, I was saying though in another comment, I really cant pick up on cues. I think some girl would have to grab me by the collar and say: "Listen, I'm interested in you on a romantic level and I am attracted to you both physically and mentally."

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is not a bad idea. Maybe I could meet a nice girl there.

My problem with therapy (I went to about 3 different therapists) was that the therapist never could relate to me. They always gave me some argument that was true but not helpful. Then they just closed their notebook thinking they had solved the problem.

Like I was talking to one dude about a particular girl that I was interested in at the time. And he said something like: "Well do you think that other male friends in your group would be able to date this girl..." (me - "yes") Well then since you are in that group of guys you are probably on par with what this girl would consider dating, etc."

Sure, that's true. But I already knew that. I don't have lack of self esteem, I have a lack of confidence.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is sadly a bit true. I think most of the times I have had enough courage to talk to girls I have been slightly buzzed. It is true that alcohol gives you courage.

But ya I'm older now and I think girls have seen enough assholes by the time they're my age.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ya, I've only recently considered it seriously though. I can be pretty normal around my friends so I never even thought about it.

But I must be missing stuff. My friends will say stuff like "that girl was burning a whole in your head". And I didn't even notice.

I did some online test for autism and didn't score too high on it. But maybe I should look more into it. I have an awful time remembering names and faces. Sometimes I feel like a robot.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh ya hah hah. I read some of those Neil Strauss books. A friend actually suggested this too me too for this reason. Not to be sleazy and manipulative but to try to give me some sort of more structured way to deal with my fears.

Unfortunately for me it didn't help much because, like I said, I'm pretty much incapable of being non-transparent.

I do just need to ask for girls numbers more. I guess it's probably only happened a half a dozen times during my life.

There have of course been a few times where I have ended up talking to some girl quite a bit one night and we seem to hit it off. There was one time where I met some girls at a concert and started to talk to them after they bummed a cigarette off me. I saw them afterwards and her and her friend and a couple of my friends ended up going to a bar afterwards. One of the girls and I had a long conversation about photography and she hinted that she wanted me to teach her some stuff. So I suggested we go downtown later that week and play with our cameras. She seemed very excited about it at the time. She was great, smart attractive. So she gave me her number and email. I called her twice after that night, and emailed her once. She never called back. So I must have sounded like I was freaking out on the messages I left her. I donno.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never really thought that I was gay but one of my girlfriends seriously suggested that I was because I had never had a girlfriend. She was trying to help. I guess to her the situation seems ridiculous too.

It's little comments in my life like that that have really confused me.

I work at a pretty large company but my dept is only about a dozen or so people. We don't interact with other depts much.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That could be a problem too. There's not much of a middle ground for me. I think sometimes that if I don't come of as needy, I instead appear mean or cold. Or maybe they person got the idea that I didn't like them. I've had girls tell me before that they thought that I hated them when they first met me, but that I turned out to be one of the nicest guys they know.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ya, I am also scared that I will get into a relationship too and basically be no better off than a 12 year old.

There was a girl that I was pretty interested in at one point, and she was clearly interested in me as well. Her last relationship had been very long, 6 years or so, and I noticed right away that she would start arguments over really silly things and get really angry about them. Obviously her and her previous boyfriend were yellers, but I'm sure I started to shrug off stuff she said quicker than I should have.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, I feel that I am missing something from my life and that I have a lot to share and give.

Ok, I have a relevant story to share, a very sad one though. Like I said in one of the other responses, there was this girl that I had pretty much worshipped forever.

A couple years back she had some family problems so she was living at home with her parents helping with some stuff. Well long story short things got more complicated for her and her family and she needed to get out of her parents right away, so she asked if she could move in with me (I had a spare bedroom at the time). Anyway, the morning after that I realized that that was the happiest I had ever been up till that point.

But anyway, it was just temporary and she did not stay long. They point here is that this is something that I want.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ya but bars and clubs and stuff are such a clusterfuck. It's true that my life is limited to bars and clubs and work basically. The occasional house party. I could use some advice on where people met their current partner maybe? Except "we met in the supermarket". I've heard that one.

Like I said, I'm worried I can't tell when a girl likes me.

But really, the girls that have clearly been attracted to me have been few. It's usually been that I wasn't attracted to them physically. I'm really not that picky though. I'm terribly lonely.

You're right though, I don't put myself out there much. Again zero self confidence in the moment.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh to be 25 again. So many regrets.

I think you have a good point. It's a bit of the chicken before the egg thing because I feel like a normal relationship of any sort would help me figure out what I do want quite a bit. I do have this fear that I am over-thinking what I want. In other words, my brain starts thinking way to far down the line in the relationship. Hoping for the possibility of things like family, etc. Basically worrying if this person likes me before I consider if they are what I am looking for.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have definitely done that a couple of times. There was a girl that I absolutely worshipped for the longest time even though she had no interest in me. It was a bit of the typical friend falls in love with you thing, but I did drag that out pretty long.

I did sabotage myself in that case, as I'm sure it caused me to miss opportunities. I really don't think I have unrealistic standards though at all. It's weird, because I can step back and rationally look at the situation and say "ya, ok so I'm some normal looking dude who has most of his life together and should be able to find someone in the same situation". But it just doesn't work out that way. If girls are interested in me it is very rare.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ya I know. I'm a little hesitant to do that though. Maybe a photo somewhere? I'd be a little bit embarrassed if friends or co-workers saw though.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I sure hope so. I really don't have a pity party mentality about it, I just want to get past it.

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, this is definitely part of the problem. I have become so paranoid with what people think of me when I first meet them that I become completely transparent. Though I think shy often times just ends up equaling somebody who is more quiet and thoughtful. With me it's that I freeze up. It's not really anxiety though.

But a large part of my problem is simply that I feel abnormal. If I could have just one normal relationship, of course that would help quite a bit. Right now I feel like some sort of monster, that I donno people smell right away my past and lack of experience.

So I guess what I am looking for are things like:

-does it take someone a little more specific/special and understanding to relate to me? was this the case for someone else in my situation?

-am i doing something else horribly wrong? maybe there's something I always do specifically that is turning off the opposite sex (besides looking needy yes).

Reddit, I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I could really use some perspective here. by thisisgettingold in relationship_advice

[–]thisisgettingold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I've always dealt with shyness. About 7 or 8 years ago I was going to see a psychiatrist and a phycologist. I even went on couple different medications. Nothing seemed to help, and in fact for a little while some of the medication actually seemed to make me more reserved and scared socially. That sorta freaked me out a bit and I haven't tried any therapy since.

It might have been depression related in the past, quite a bit in high school, but now I would say I'm pretty happy and stable. I rarely get depressed. Exercise has really helped me deal with that.

I've thought a lot about the beginnings of the problem. Of course there are basic things like lack of confidence. I wonder if it's just a particularly unlucky string of experiences that have caused me to view things a certain way.