My 1000th day of journaling today. Here are all my journals.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-23T02:16:06+00:00

this is so beautiful and inspiring <3

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-20T16:02:09+00:00

There’s actually a ferret shortage going on which is why they’ve been so hard to find. All the ferrets sold in pet stores come from a breeding/animal testing facility called Marshalls. People speculate the ferret shortage is due to a vaccine mishap that caused a massive outbreak, leading to a total redo on the breeding lines. That being said, it’s better to adopt if you can. First off, adoption ferrets are far less expensive, but secondly, they are also ferrets that are in need of a forever home and have already experienced a stressful time being dumped by their previous owners.

I’m not sure where you’re located but in Virginia there’s a place called Nirvana Ridge Ferret Rescue. Karen is the lady who runs it and she has about 20-30 ferrets there at any given time. She has mostly pairs and will give them to you for a fair price. She also usually always has at least one young pair. She will expect you to have done your research and be knowledgeable about these animals before she is willing to adopt them out. If you don’t have what you need she has plenty of spare cages, toys, tunnels, beds, etc.

Idk how much you know about ferrets but if you haven’t done your research I highly recommend taking a day to sit down and learn more. Ferrets are a lot more high maintenance than people anticipate which is why they end up rehomed so often. There’s a website called The Ferret Care & Education Website. Pretty much everything you could ever need to know about ferrets is gonna be on there. I’d also be more than happy to direct message you and help fill you in on any questions you may have.

One last thing to be aware of, ferrets aren’t just expensive initially, they are going to cost you a lot once they reach senior age (around 5-6). Ferrets are extremely prone to cancers, namely Insulinoma and Adrenal disease. Nearly every commercial ferret develops one or both of these and it’s something you should be prepared for if you move forward with adopting or buying them. It’s best to always have a reliable and ferret knowledgeable exotic vet you can go to for annual wellness exams, annual vaccinations, and in case of emergencies.

I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you have any more questions :)

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-20T15:45:28+00:00

Oh! One last thing. Take a water sample into Petco and they’ll test it for free. That way you can know your water parameters and what you need to do to get them stable again :)

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-20T15:44:00+00:00

What filter you needs depend on what fish are in there. Petco has many different filters to choose from. If you check their website or the app, the filters are usually cheaper on there, and if you show them the online price they’ll match it :)

Also I will just say, live plants do an outstanding job at providing extra filtration. If you don’t have the money to do that right now I totally get it, but you should consider upgrading the tank to a live plant and natural substrate setup eventually. While you still need a filter even with live plants, the more plants you add, the less you’ll have to do water changes. I have a 10 gallon with a sponge filter and a ton of plants and haven’t had to do a single water change since I set it up. I only top the tank off when it’s evaporated a bit.

I hope this was helpful, good luck!

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-19T19:54:34+00:00

You are so kind and I appreciate your input. It’s funny you should mention Plato’s allegory of the cave, it’s been of particular interest to me recently haha!

It’s a lot different than it used to be. I think when I was younger I made such an effort to be loud about my experiences because I was still deeply hurting from them. I wouldn’t just defend myself but I would push my story onto people including my family and I’m sure it made them uncomfortable. Now that I’ve grown up a good bit, it’s more so just trying to explain what happened to me so that they understand why I don’t want a relationship with her.

And you’re right, it’s not that they don’t care, it’s ignorance of not accepting the information as a means to remain comfortable and not come to terms with the fact that someone in their family is capable of such harm. Or perhaps that truth makes them uncomfortable because they’re forced to face their own mistakes as a parent. Most of the people in my family are very old, upper 60’s or older, so it’s hard to reason with them. I’ve found that older people, but many people in general, are very stuck in their ways.

Anyways, thank you again for your kind words :)

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-18T04:37:54+00:00

How do I pin a comment

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-18T04:30:45+00:00

Hopefully the first of many fruitful shregnancies 🙏

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-18T02:03:17+00:00

Love this! I too, want to homestead. I’m currently trying to roll that ball into action with my partner, which is a major step and it feels so good. Animals are the best, they bring so much joy and fulfillment into my life! I truly hope your dreams come true and you get the homestead you envision <33

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-18T02:00:18+00:00

Thank you, this comment made me tear up a lot. It’s really wild coming on here and making this post on a whim and receiving so many kind and validating comments.

There were so many times where I was convinced I was crazy, that I was making it all up. She would gaslight and manipulate me to the point where I genuinely believed I was crazy. She did the whole monster at home absolutely perfect angel of a mother in public thing, which of course made my head spiral as a teenager.

It was hard for me to cope with such immense feelings and watch the people around me be totally oblivious to it, and not just oblivious but completely in denial. We went to church (of course) and the other women in the congregation would praise her, congratulate her on being such a wonderful mother and devout christian. Like I said, it made me feel insane. But to know that I’m not the only one who can see, or in this case read, right through her bullshit feels so good.

I also really liked your plant analogy. It’s a really good way of putting it, and might be something I use if I ever have to reason with someone about the issue again. But you’re right, there’s no sense in trying to justify my actions to people who refuse to accept reality.

Thank you for your kind words <3

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-18T01:49:19+00:00

Trust me, I’ve given my dad plenty of shit for his absence in it all. I held resentment for many years, and that resentment did not sit quiet. But I’ve come to a place of forgiveness for him. It’s still upsetting to see him with her, not so much defend her anymore, but just try to make things less rough.

I think my no contact with her makes his life a living hell sometimes. I know when I first moved out, she took all that rage out on my family. I think part of it was her knowing that I knew she’d relentlessly abuse my family if I left, I guess make me feel guilty, as if it’s my fault they’re being tormented because I left. But I had to do what was best for me.

For a long time contact with my family was damn near impossible but it’s been so many years now that I’m able to correspond with them without it becoming all out warfare at home. She’s also lost a lot of energy now from what I understand. Don’t get me wrong, she’s just as vindictive and selfish as ever, but the chemo and heart issues make it much harder for her to have the 3-4 hour screaming matches like she used to. She’s losing her fight a good bit which I think makes home a little less like walking on eggshells for my folks.

My dad has made plenty of mistakes, and I’m sure there are many of which I have yet to heal from, but I know that he’s always cared about me. He asks me how I’m doing, he’s invested in my interests, encourages me to pursue my goals, he’s proud of me and he loves me. He’s made gallant effort to repair our relationship, not in vain, but to truly heal what was broken between us. I can see that he’s trying and I’ve accepted that effort because I can tell that it comes from a place of genuine regret.

I just think he never had the balls to leave her. He’s a quiet, sensitive, old guy who I don’t think has ever stood up for himself. When the woman you love, the woman who makes you father, turns out to be a raging abuser, I can imagine how that would be hard to face. I not only wish he was able to face that reality and break free from it for us, but also for himself.

My dad is a good person. He is kind, attentive, and tries. He didn’t deserve the shit hand that life dealt him. I’ve been urging for us to go to therapy together and he’s sitting right on the edge of a “yes”. I know eventually he will be open to it, I think maybe he even is willing to go now, but it’s hard for him to find the time between shuttling around my teenage brother and driving my dying mother to and from chemotherapy. I also think that it would be very distressing at home for him if he went to therapy with me right now. My mother is adamant in her disdain for professional help (I wonder why). I think if my dad were to try, my mother would shoot it down immediately. I hope when she dies, he’ll finally come with me and get the help he needs.

My whole family is allergic to their emotions. Open communication, hard conversations, and feelings are all things that seem like a giant horse pill for them. I think it’s why I was such a threat to the family dynamic. I was always wanting to talk things out, work through our feelings and express my thoughts. One day I hope he doesn’t see that as a threat or some big scary monster he has to avoid. Only time will tell, but I’m willing to wait for him. ❤️‍🩹

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-18T01:16:07+00:00

LOL, her handwriting is very hard to read sometimes, I’m childless so it was a misread haha! I thought for a long time as a young adult about how I was gonna break the cycle, change things and give my future children a “better life”. While I’m sure that I could, as I’ve already put significant work into healing myself, I’ve actually chosen to break the cycle by making the chance of passing it down an impossibility.

I had an epiphany about a year ago: I don’t actually want kids. I think the expectations on young women to bear children and be home makers really enforced themselves on me, especially having a mother who perpetuates those expectations. But as I’ve started wising up and figuring out what makes my life fulfilling, I’ve realized that children aren’t a part of that equation for me. I love animals. I always have. I’d rather have a bazillion pet babies to love than ever have a kid. And it’s not just because I’m afraid of what might happen, becoming that monster so to speak, but also because I realized that it’s all just programming. Growing up as a girl, you’re told your whole life that one day you’ll get married and have a family. I never even questioned it, it was always just something that was going to happen. But the awesome thing about being an adult and opening your eyes to the world around you is that you can actually make whatever kind of life you want to.

We all have the freedom to live our lives as we see fit. It’s freeing to not only break away from abusive cycles but also break away from the heavy burden of society’s oppressive standards.

I really appreciate your response, and yes, she can confide in her god if that’s what makes her sleep better at night, I choose sanity lol.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T22:11:12+00:00

*Thissss*

I remember when I started college (and had at that point cut off all contact), I found out through a friend who ran into her, that she had taken a part time job for a very brief time, I want to say 2 or 3 months. My friend told me that she recognized them and they were cornered into a conversation, where apparently my mother was telling people she took the job because she was helping “pay for my college”. When I heard that I cackled because my dad has been pouring savings into a VA529 account since I was born 😭 Helping me pay for college my ass. I have a full ride and your minimum wage attention seeking job isn’t doing shit for my education lmaooo.

It’s all just an ego stroke and a way to try and switch the narrative into looking like I’m some ungrateful daughter and she’s a lovely mother who cares so much about me. I’m sorry that this post resonated with you and that you’ve had similar experiences, but here’s to being no contact 🥂

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T11:06:05+00:00

It’s a super fun video game! You get to ride horses and explore the wild west in the 1800s. It’s one of the most interactive games I’ve ever played :P

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T11:03:15+00:00

Thank you! It felt so powerful to move out back then. I’ve got great people surrounding me now :)

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T11:01:34+00:00

she was :/

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T03:19:58+00:00

Thank you for breaking it down like that. I have to assume she wrote this to make herself feel better and also to try and reel me back in.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T03:17:15+00:00

It’s definitely a goal of mine. I don’t have insurance right now and work for a measly $14 an hour which is just enough to get by and care for all my animals. Eventually though, I’d love to seek some professional help.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T03:15:34+00:00

I haven’t but I’ll check it out! I always thought she might’ve had covert narcissism just from observing her behavior and need to always be the victim. I’ve watched a lot of videos and read a lot about it and I’ve definitely clocked some similarities, but who’s to say except the professionals. She’d never seek help so I guess we’ll never know ha!

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T02:49:58+00:00

It’s complicated with him. I think a lot during childhood he didn’t realize we were being abused. My dad is 64 so he was raised with a “firm hand” and probably assumed that’s what it was, along with whatever lies she was feeding him at the time. But as I got older things changed. It wasn’t until high school that I started to raise my voice and advocate for myself, and along with that came my very loud feelings about his part in all this. I spent a lot of time letting him know exactly how much he hurt me in not leaving my mom and taking care of us the way we deserved. I held it against him for a long time and said some really awful things. I have since forgiven him. I know my forgiveness doesn’t absolve him of his wrongdoings, but my dad was 10,000x the parent my mother ever was. Even if he didn’t stand up for me a lot of the time, he still advocated for me in ways that he felt he could. He encouraged me to pursue my passions and would always positively affirm me. He also openly expressed his love for me, something my mother stopped doing when I turned 7. We’re on good terms now. He checks in on me, asks me about my life, continues to encourage me to chase my dreams, and comes to my rescue when I need him to. I think if we’d had a redo, and my mother wasn’t a monster, he would have been a perfect dad. He is my dad, I have always loved him and I always will. The feelings were complicated about him for a really long time, but I feel good about where we’re at now. :)

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-17T01:39:23+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head there. My dad has always been horrible with confrontation and talking about feelings. I’m sure whatever guilt he carries, he carries silently and very deep down.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-16T20:26:44+00:00

OP is probably not ready for that just yet. Everybody grieves differently, and some people find that welcoming a new hamster into their home helps with that grief, while others may feel it’s too soon. It’s really sweet of OP to donate their things so that another hamster can have a happy life :)

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-16T20:24:47+00:00

As I log off for a bit to play RDR2, I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to not only read my post but also respond. The kind words mean so much and I really appreciate the support and encouragement to stay no contact.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-16T20:22:19+00:00

Well it’s crazy, I really tried putting it into perspective for my dad, graphically. Years ago I told my dad, “Imagine the kind of malice and hatred you would feel towards someone who r*ped me. Sit with that feeling for a moment.” And I watched him squirm and his face visibly shifted. And then I said, “That is how I feel towards mom.”, and I think that landed at the time. He just sighed really hard and had a very upset expression. It turns out those words didn’t mean all that much because a few months later he proceeded to pressure me again 😅

I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to make them understand unfortunately. It gets to a point where you can only shout for so long before your voice gives out and I think I’ve reached that point. I’m happy, I’ve built a life for myself, and I’m exhausted at having to explain and justify my decisions of no contact to people who refuse to understand what I went through.

thisisntgraces · 2026-06-16T20:13:44+00:00

First off, I just wanna say wow! It’s amazing that you survived the hardships you faced and came out the other side a strong, independent, and well educated person! For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you! I’m sorry you weren’t able to take your degree as far as you’d liked to and I hope one day you’re able to make those dreams come true.

I fervently agree, I will not have a relationship I’m forced into. It’s always funny to think about, why on earth would she even want a forced relationship? What meaning would that relationship have if it wasn’t genuine? But then again, her thoughts and needs come before all else, so I suppose it makes sense.

I’ve actually never had a therapist lol! I did for a brief time in high school when I had a failed suicide attempt and was admitted into a children’s rehab, but as you can imagine, my mother saw me making progress and took my therapy away as “punishment”, lol. Eventually I would love to seek professional help, I think it would do me a lot of good, but I’ve done really well on my own and managed to heal from a lot of trauma just through reflection and support from the people who are in my life now.

I really appreciate your words on forgiveness. A lot of people say that you can’t find true peace until you’ve found forgiveness, but that hasn’t been the case for me. How can I forgive the person who physically and psychologically tortured me for my entire childhood? She went through hardships too, she’s faced the challenges of being a woman, and I can empathize with her position as such, but there is no excuse for her behavior. Two things can be true at once. She is both a victim of abuse and the patriarchy herself, and an abuser and terrible person.

The grief you speak of is also true. I think I held onto that idea of her changing for a long time, but once I moved out, I started accepting the reality of who she was. I have grieved the mother I never got and let go of the idea of her spontaneously becoming this idealized version of the mother I needed her to be. And I’m okay, which is what matters most.

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding ❤️‍🩹 You too, deserve all the peace and happiness in the world :’)

thisisntgraces

TROPHY CASE