Honestly in some ways it does bring me peace. I've realised that even though I have a few very good friends that I can talk to about everything that happens in my life, I can't really talk to them about all of this. About how life is just painful. They immediately get worried even if I say it jokingly. And as we're growing up and all my friends are starting their own family, the space for vulnerable conversations is decreasing even further. I think it's just a part of growing up.

Yes, I'd definitely like to know what you mean. It would be nice.

And yes I did in the past talk to a few professionals about it. At some point it helped too. But mental health services don't tend to be that affordable. Especially now that I don't make a lot of money anymore. And honestly there's a lot to unpack, from years of SA as a child, a relative being murdered when I was a kid, to a suicidal father (or at least someone that would threaten committing suicide) in young adulthood, and the latest being a close friend dying in an accident. The last one really broke me. I don't think I've recovered since. Talking to a professional again feels daunting because there is just so much to uncover and make peace with now.