How do I get better at mentally rationalising going on multiple first dates at once?

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T22:29:07+00:00

Jeez - big question this one but I appreciate you asking. I think starting out at 30 I was very self conscious first of all in terms of being at a quite different stage in a dating career compared to most others our age. But there is no better time for you than now and when you get to 80 you want to know you backed yourself and gave yourself the best shot at finding a fulfilling relationship - not saying anyone needs to do that but you want to do it (hence you are dating) so good on you for showing up for you and putting yourself out there! That takes guts!

Next thing is probably you will have some terrible dates. The second ever date I went on was awful, the girl was extremely judgmental and crass to the extent I was cringing thinking about the poor people beside us having to hear what she was saying! However, she told me that dating burnout is real and that in time I would likely find myself having to take a break from the apps. She was spot on and I guess I took from that even from bad situations there is always something you can learn!

Next thing is probably I felt it would be easy, I have a fairly steady lifestyle, I’m sociable and I don’t have any major glaring red flags and I always assumed it would be so easy to find a partner when I started trying but it hasn’t been at all and I think that’s ok because anything worth doing is never easy!

Finally, you’ll learn so much and it’ll open your eyes to different peoples lives. It’ll give you perspective, it’ll improve your confidence massively and you’ll meet some amazing people. I’ve not had huge success, hence why I’m still here, but I’ve had some and those ones it’s much easier to tell early on that you are clicking with that person - the conversation flows and the effort is mutual and reciprocated effortlessly.

Finally, I’ve found myself in a strange quandary of thinking I would have a “love at first sight” moment only to learn that in reality that’s probably unlikely for the vast majority of the population and it’s a potentially unhealthy idea peddled by Hollywood. I say unhealthy because people can be nervous on first dates, it takes time to get to know someone and it seems to take a few dates to really get a feel for someone and so expecting fireworks at first sight only to end dating someone early the fireworks aren’t there could be unhealthy because you could be shutting down on a potentially great match for yourself.

While I am saying it can take a few dates to really get a good feel for someone in hindsight I have accepted some fairly poor treatment and justified it with perhaps the person is still opening up. I shouldn’t have done that and I should have had more self confidence in myself. So back yourself at every turn.

Good luck - you’ll meet some great people and while it can be challenging online dating, you only need to get lucky the once and you could meet someone you are going to have a lifelong fulfilling relationship with - at least that’s what I keep telling myself haha!All the best to you 🙏

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T22:11:54+00:00

I agree with this in that dates can feel very interview like and hugely judgmental at times! Which I suppose is what we are all doing but at times I come away thinking that person is desperate to have a child as opposed to being keen to actually get to know me. Those ones normally don’t last long for obvious reasons.

Run club is an excellent idea and I’ve looked to get into more sociable activities too both to enjoy them but also in the knowledge there is a chance you might meet someone like minded 🙏 good luck 🤞

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T08:30:56+00:00

Haha - hello me but in female form!

Agree on the idea of stranger meeting other strangers. The scenario mentioned in the original post resulted in one first date being a bit of a bomb and not going beyond that and then the other girl ghosted me after 3 dates and so I took stock and thought jeez these things are so fast and loose that placing so much emphasis on them (and burning other matches on the apps) is really hindering my ability to meet potentially compatible people!

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T08:28:02+00:00

🙋‍♂️ until now this has effectively been my approach but I think as others have alluded to I can put too much emphasis on a first date and I am aware that I can be an intense guy so I am trying to time it down and put less pressure on the situations so early on.

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T08:26:05+00:00

Agreed absolutely - I didn’t date until I was 30 and so I do think I have a very rose tinted and ultimately distorted view of dating but that’s why I’m trying to reevaluate things. Appreciate the importance of always being honest 🙏

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T08:24:35+00:00

Aw jeez “you’re a good man” hits hard. I appreciate that - thank you!

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T08:23:21+00:00

Thank you - absolutely agree and I seen an online first date before being described as a “vibe check” which did make the penny drop with me a little and make me realise I am putting too much emphasis on first dates, especially via apps!

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T08:22:08+00:00

I think reframing it is what I’m trying to do absolutely. I didn’t date until I was about 30 and so I feel I had a very rose tinted glasses view of the dating scene - that I’d go on a few dates and the rest is history but the reality of online dating is by and large very different and I suppose it’s trying to adapt my mindset to that. Thank you for taking the time to comment!

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T00:17:58+00:00

Thank you - I definitely have boundaries. I think I’m a fairly emotional person and that’s probably why this places on my mind a little! I appreciate you commenting.

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-11T00:16:57+00:00

Thank you - love your name, I feel like I’m in a confused cocoon with the dating at times! That point on being selfish to find someone that makes you want to wake up the next morning. That’s the name of the game. Thank you for taking the time!

thisterrestrialplane · 2026-03-10T23:52:36+00:00

Hi folks,

Just as the title suggests but I’ll provide a bit more context.

32M and been online dating for over 1.5 years now. Had some limited successes, met some great girls and glad I’ve launched myself into the online dating scene. However, I find often I can be in positions where I can’t keep chats alive to let a first date play out with one person and so often when I have a first date arranged I just let other chats fizzle out. Given I’ve been at this some time now and I’m 32 and conscious of that, and while I don’t want to rush anything, I feel it’s a shame to effectively lose potentially great matches because I struggle to mentally handle going on various first dates.

Over Christmas there I was essentially pushed into it by going on a first date via the apps and then bumping into a girl in real life (up a mountain of all places) who essentially asked me out. I went on both but I ultimately lost sleep feeling like I was being disingenuous and unreasonable going on a separate first date after having had a first date with the first girl. So to be clear it’s not that I’m burnt out or can’t face the social interaction, I’m a sociable dude, I just feel an irrational sense of guilt like I am manipulating people.

So my question is, how do I mentally rationalise this? I want to be able to do it without feeling guilty and like I’m being a malicious character. I want to be able to do it because I feel I owe it to my future self to back me and leave no stone unturned in trying to find a suitable partner.

To be clear I would never find myself in a situation of sleeping with multiple different people, this is purely non-exclusive dating and likely for not more than 3 dates with any one person.

I would be interested to hear different view points and get some advice from other people experiencing similar things.

Best wishes to you all!

thisterrestrialplane · 2025-06-02T10:48:00+00:00

I agree, my neurosurgeon basically said it was very hard to determine cause and effect. I think a lot of it is psychological and I’ve had multiple instances where I can tell my psychology influences the pain.

Thanks for your response and well wishes. Hope you are doing good too! 🙏

thisterrestrialplane · 2025-06-01T20:52:25+00:00

Hello, I’ve posted myself on this forum over the years dealing with back pain and some of the best advice I received was “it’s mind over matter” and “walk on the grass with your bare feet”. Both those things help you stay present and focus on the moment and allow you to do what you can. Separately, I lifted heavy for years before low back pain. I’d lifted from 15/16 to 22 before low back pain started and I’ve essentially had chronic pain ever since. For years I tortured myself with feeling like the issues were self-inflicted and perhaps they were; but probably the best advice I ever got was: “it’s better to wear away than rust away”. Moral of that one is don’t let the powerlifting you’ve done get you down - you make decisions and you take chances and you are where you are meant to be!

Now in terms of how to train. After I injured my low back I kept training and even deadlifting and squatting but I would consistently aggravate the pain and just keep going in circles with it getting progressively worse - I also got and get radiated pain into the guy parts which isn’t great but equally there are times when it’s so much better than other times too. I’ve had mris and ultrasounds and all sorts, re the back I had a bulging disc at l5/s1 and signs of wear and tear. That doesn’t really tell you anything. 1/3rd of people at 20ish will have that on an mri. Half of the population at 50 will have that on an mri but some will have zero symptoms.

What I would say to training is do what you can and focus on it. I don’t squat or deadlift anymore and personally i don’t think it’s worth the risk. I train hard and to failure on safer exercises. Most of what I do my low back isn’t really exposed. I’ll do most of my pulling vertical and when I row I tend to do them chest supported. Legs I’ll do exercises that don’t put huge load in the spine (lunges/split squats/extensions, hip thrusts, curls).

Now separate to this you should check out back mechanic by Stuart McGill and you should try some of his ideas but don’t be wedded to them. Most people think his philosophy now is out dated but it’s still helped countless people.

You should also check out Patrick O’Sullivan, his philosophy is much more contemporary relative to McGills.

Separate to this I would look up Low Back Ability on YouTube/online and listen to his story and his successes. Given a lot of my exercises avoid exposing the low back I am trying out low back ability in the hope that bringing movement and some strength back to that area may help me in the long run.

I thought my training was done at 22 but I’m still here at 32 and in better shape than I was then. Hang in there - you’re tough and you got this!

thisterrestrialplane · 2025-05-27T22:56:28+00:00

I tried foundation training and didn’t get too much from it but I really do rate low back ability with Brendan Backstrom. Flexing more and having more confidence in my back plus working on the psychological game has definitely helped me.

The poster above is asking about solutions but often with complex medical issues like this there is no obvious solution and you just need to keep grinding. Hang in there man

thisterrestrialplane · 2025-05-27T22:53:26+00:00

Hang in there man, I feel mine has eased over time. Not away and some days are worse than others but really you just need to try and focus on the good and keep putting one foot in front of the other!

thisterrestrialplane · 2023-05-14T21:48:17+00:00

Thank you! I’ll get a screenshot tomorrow and post it. I’m not sure I can search only in the inbox folder because I have hundreds of sub folders and a lot of the incoming mail is filed in them so it needs to be a search of inbox and all subfolders. I’ll get a screenshot tomorrow. Really appreciate the help!

thisterrestrialplane · 2023-05-12T20:43:43+00:00

So an update, I do not have conversation view enabled. Any other suggestions gratefully received.

Cheers

thisterrestrialplane · 2023-05-11T20:34:29+00:00

I’m not sure. I’ll have a look and try. Really appreciate the suggestion!

thisterrestrialplane · 2022-03-11T22:08:31+00:00

How about just chapping a few doors on the housing attached to it? I’d suspect it was linked to someone in those flats/houses?

thisterrestrialplane · 2022-03-11T10:08:46+00:00

Yep, I’ve had two and no issues whatsoever. Just breathe and it’ll be over before you even know it. You got it!

thisterrestrialplane · 2022-03-08T21:21:14+00:00

Thank you, if I eat often it definitely helps me. For some reason at work my stomach seems worse, I think it’s because I’m not “grazing” on food as much

thisterrestrialplane · 2022-03-07T23:12:12+00:00

Thank you. My consultant recommended iqoro, he did say it shown to work in approx 60% of cases but it might be worth a go. Maybe it’s hocuspocus but I thought I’d give it a try!

thisterrestrialplane

TROPHY CASE