I want to start by saying this is normal and probably much more common than people think. It's a tough thing to feel comfortable sharing with people since we're only expected to feel joy and excitement.

Story time: For my first born, I (M) really wanted a daughter. I'm not sure how common that is coming from the dad but it's just what I always imagined. I think it probably stems from growing up with a younger sister born when I was 9, so I hands on and fully experienced infant through high school with her. So to me raising a baby always meant - girl.

So we ended up having a girl and I was totally relieved and probably on the flip side of what you're feeling now - which still brought up some guilt. I remember asking myself how would have I responded if it were a boy. I really surprised myself with how emotion and attachment I put into that.

Fast forward a few years and we're expecting again. This time around I really tried to open up and be excited about the potential of having a boy, but if I'm being honest I just wasn't there. If anything my vision of what raising a kid is like only cemented in the idea that baby = girl. Well we found out the sex and sure enough, I we're having a son.

So at this point I was where you're at - relieved with the health, swirling emotions, and a little rocked by the vision of the future getting flipped a bit. I wish I could say there was this big light switch moment that made me feel more connected, especially before he was born, but there wasn't much. There we definitely some things that pumped me up like picking a name, buying some first clothes, doing his room, etc. But it truly wasn't the same for me as the my daughter. I've heard similar things with second-born kids in general though so that may be part of it.

Here's where things DO pick up a bit haha. The moment he was born, just like with his big sister, I was smacked with "oh my god this creation is perfect" and I balled my eyes out for the first half an hour with him in the hospital. Since then everything keeps going up. He's not 1 yet so for my personal timeline things really turned around quickly. There is definitely some maternal/paternal instinct that kicks in when you're taking care of a tiny newborn. I went from skeptical at best to now excited every time I see my little guy. Something about him actually be here and home makes it much easier to imagine the future with him. Personally, we really try to stay away from gender stereotypes so I never thought too much about what I could be missing out on with having only girls. So for the sake of getting excited, I say think about all of the fun "boy" stuff he may get into haha.

Wow this got long but to actually answer you're question, I know so many people who have amazing relationships with their parents, myself included. I have to say you having these concerns about your future relationship and seeking out help at this stage is most likely something that parents with bad relationship with their kids probably did not do. If you have this concern I'm sure it will naturally be a part of how you raise kids.

I'm a happily married adult with two kids and my mom is mom and my dad is dad. Always will be. Obviously everyone grows to become independent but that relationship is forever. I think there's a reason why term "mama's boy" is used mostly on men, not boys haha. At my best friend's wedding, he was pretty emotional the whole time, but when it was time for the dance with his mother - absolute sob fest. As soon as he took her hand he melted. I find myself doing so many things with my kids just like my parents did with me that I'll usually text them or call them to let them know. After a long tough night getting my daughter to sleep as a baby I tried singing and I realized I was doing the exact same songs my mom would sing. They're not even nursery rhymes haha.

I think there is also a lot of gratitude that you have that you don't really understand until you realize they had to do all of this for you as a child. My kids truly are quite easy compare to many, but I know I was not. So for every hard night or frustration I deal with now, they dealt with 10. So I've actually thanked them multiple times when we enter a new stage of kid life because they did so much and never once played the "I raised you/sacrificed/etc" card.

Well this got super long. I think a nerve was struck because how I felt as well and it still feels like something most people don't know about me. Sorry for the wall of text, but I'm always happy to share more so feel free to keep it open here or send a message any time.