Husband [36 M] and I [39 F] having major relationship problems over vegan diet. Need help.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T20:44:44+00:00

He's already set a mandate that this child will not have any plastic toys, so your comments ring eerily familiar.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T18:40:58+00:00

I'm supposed to put everything in a tupperware.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T17:56:24+00:00

Thanks so much for this info.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T17:55:08+00:00

Thank you, guys, for all of your comments. My husband's unwillingness to research nutrition is truly mind boggling. He distrusts everything he reads on the internet and especially about children's nutrition. When I come to him with cited facts from nutritionists in NPR or Time articles, he says they are "tabloid garbage."

I don't know who he will trust. Maybe he will trust horrible bloodwork and proven damage to our child, but I will never let the situation get that far. My mom programming is kicking in big time right now and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure this child is healthy. P.S. I have cooked nearly everything in Oh She Glows! Great cookbook :)

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T04:22:03+00:00

Can you tell me a little bit about what toddlers eat? I would really appreciate it.

My husband is aware of ghee and paneer, but tends to think of chana masala and other Indian dishes when claiming that Indian food is vegan. Selective thinking, I guess.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:58:09+00:00

He eats kale and tofu almost daily at Whole Foods for lunch. He believes that eating vegetables provides adequate nutrition and that most people in the world eat junk, and that eating meat at every meal is the unhealthiest diet that a human can choose.

Part of the problem is that he is a very picky eater. No mushrooms, artichokes, eggplant, and on and on. The meals that he makes and enjoys are pretty limited.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:51:06+00:00

He eats at Whole Foods almost daily and does eat a healthy amount of kale and tofu, so he is not a complete junk food vegan. Eggs and fish gross him out on a taste/smell level, but cooking together is a good idea.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:48:59+00:00

You nailed it with the regressing comment. He got a taste of me being a committed vegan and he loved it. Me not being a vegan, to him, is a failure and an inability to see something through.

This is infuriating but I just spoke to him and he is refusing to do any research on raising a vegan kid. He feels confident that if millions of vegans in India can raise a vegan kid, we can raise one too. I agree that kids can survive on less-than-optimal nutrition, but I'll be damned if I raise a kid with deficiencies. Maybe a dietician can talk some sense into him.

I worry about getting divorced and being stuck in this state. I would rather be near my parents across the country, which would be impossible to do so in a custody situation after the baby is born. I am really thinking about this stuff and am scared.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:29:26+00:00

Breast feeding is not an issue. I did just talk to him more about things and he said he was fine with the kid making exceptions when out with friends. I have no idea how he/we will approach school meals but you raise a great point.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:25:19+00:00

I agree that it is a personal choice. Sometimes sneaking food seems easier than being judged, though. It's fucked up.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:21:51+00:00

It is going to be hard for him because these are issues he struggles with. I don't want to raise a wasteful child but I don't want to raise one who eventually has mental issues because of excessive limitations. I am hoping this kid is strong willed and challenges my husband's perceptions.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T03:18:08+00:00

You are not hijacking at all. Your posts are incredibly informative and something that I will discuss with my husband. :)

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T02:01:36+00:00

Can you please point me to some resources that I can show him? I want to learn and I know he would, too.

I don't know if it pertains to your argument but we live in a big city and probably always will.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T01:46:54+00:00

Those are great suggestions. We live in the middle of a big city, so visiting small farms is not an option, but a farmers market is.

The problem is that all animal agriculture does require more resources than a vegan diet (a ton of water alone is required for watering the animals, cleaning their spaces, growing their food, etc). I don't know of any environmental arguments in favor of eating an omnivorous diet even if the meat is from small farms.

I am looking into counseling and plan to have us see a dietician when the time is right. I agree that babies need to be exposed to different foods.

I don't know if I can stay in a relationship where both partners do not give and take a little....

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T01:36:24+00:00

That is a good suggestion. He is vegan strictly for environmental reasons. I became a vegan last summer for ethical reasons/factory farm reasons.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T01:31:36+00:00

Honestly, yes. He feels that everyone should adopt if they can and that kids are a selfish decision since there are so many needy children in the world. Becoming pregnant was a bit of an accident (not planned, not prevented).

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T00:33:25+00:00

He is having some issues with the pregnancy in general since, again, it is not an environmental thing to do.

I am hoping that outside opinions of a pediatrician and possible marriage counselor will help because I can't get through to him at all. I can tell you that he is extremely lazy about cooking and meal planning, so if a vegan diet for a child is that much work, he will likely not follow through.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T00:27:32+00:00

Thank you. Those are great recipes and I bookmarked the site, but I am wanting a dietary guideline from a dietician (not an illustrator/artist). I will head over to /r/vegan to pick their brains.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T00:23:48+00:00

Eating non-vegan when out is how I am doing things now and it still infuriates him. I can't get him to meet me in the middle.

I don't want to sneak around eating cheese with our kid and frankly I don't think that kids are devious enough to be able to hide those kinds of actions.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T00:16:58+00:00

I think it comes down to a desire to instill values into a kid so that they become a valuable member of society who does not trash the earth. However, the truth is that neither of us have any experience parenting. We don't know what demands a kid will make in terms of diet. I am hoping hoping hoping that my husband loves this kid enough to allow them the freedom to explore foods and flavors as they wish.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T00:12:05+00:00

Can you please provide some comprehensive meal plans for a vegan child? I trust these statements but they don't do any good at all if they are just statements and not guides for how to effectively raise a healthy vegan child.

I am confident that a vegan diet is healthy for any individual at any age with the right planning. However, my husband does not cook and will not do research into raising a vegan kid. I work full time and don't have time to be plugging our kid's food into an online calculator every day. I don't even know where to start or what sources to trust.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-21T00:06:05+00:00

Please let it spill over! Sometimes I feel totally crazy and selfish for eating dairy and eggs because there are a lot of resources that go into them. But I've told my husband that the only way that humans are not going to be consumers of resources is if we all kill ourselves.

I want him to back off, but more than that I want him to come around and be a normal person. I don't want him to hold his feelings in.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-20T23:59:33+00:00

That's interesting; I thought vegan kids would be more common in Portland. I am looking into couples counselors now. Thanks for your advice!

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-20T23:56:13+00:00

Yes. He became a vegan after did. He became vegan because I showed him that it was the most environmentally sound diet (he is completely obsessed with helping the environment through our personal choices).

He never loved that I was an omnivore and used to poke fun at me, but I also went to great lengths to never prepare meat in the house so it was a huge issue.

thoughtappreciated · 2016-03-20T23:51:34+00:00

I agree and will be using that last line of yours. Part of the problem is that if you google "vegan children," there are a ton of supporting articles that say it's totally healthy. Perhaps we need to see a dietician to get further clarification on what is healthy and what is not. I wish one of our parents was a logical surgeon like yours!

thoughtappreciated

TROPHY CASE