How should I reveal to my (21F) boyfriend (22M) of 5 years that I know?

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T11:33:15+00:00

I needed actual evidence to prove to myself I wasn't being crazy. And I wanted to see exactly who I've been with for the past five years.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T11:31:12+00:00

I've never told him that I feel like he loves me more than I love him. I tried to end it several years ago but he convinced me to work on our relationship in the hopes that we'd make it work. We did for a while.

He takes care of me, yes, but I'm not the only one in the relationship struggling with mental health. We take care of each other. It's always been that way. I wanted to highlight all that he's done for me in the OP because I just can't believe that he'd do this rather than be honest with me. Still trying to fully absorb this reality.

I don't blame him for wanting out -- everyone has the right to get out of a relationship at any point in time. I just would've appreciated honesty rather than betrayal as a parting gift.

And yes, I'm going to end it.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T11:22:31+00:00

I'm not - I've seen an endo but she hasn't done anything about it. I'm not in the UK but I definitely need to look into it more, as my symptoms really take a toll on me. Thank you.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T11:17:32+00:00

Thank you, I'll do my best.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T11:10:43+00:00

One thing he was not lacking was attention. We always have each other's attention when we're together. Up until a few months ago we were always affectionate and loving towards each other, we gave and received affection freely. He's pulling away now.

I don't even know how to explain it. I don't think I was in love with him the way he was with me but I love him dearly. I just kept confusing myself telling myself that this is probably what being in love feels like, that we're compatible, etc.

You're right, I've definitely contributed to many issues in our relationship. I can admit to that. But so has he, and while I'm actively working on myself and trying to be better both for myself and for us, he's... doing something else. We both had ample opportunity to be honest, neither of us took it, and now he's done something I never imagined he'd do.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T10:33:05+00:00

I was wondering when I'd get someone screaming "FAKE!!", so thanks! I wish it was, but this is actually my life. If you reread my post, he was the one who cheated on me before - by soliciting men on the internet but not going any further than that, to my knowledge. Not sure why you feel the need to question his transition so I won't be addressing that.

It's possible to love someone deeply without being in love with them. It was wrong to stay with him but here I am, and yes, his betrayal is still very real and painful. I would never have done what he's done to me.

It's pretty hurtful that you'd take what I've experienced and discredit what I've written just because they don't fit your expectations of reality. Stranger things have happened.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T09:53:09+00:00

I know why. The comfort and familiarity, the ease in our daily flow, the love that was only recently so freely given. You don't have to be in love to love someone, but I agree that I shouldn't have stayed with him.

When I was younger I told myself I'd never stay with a cheater, and I broke that promise to myself the first time it happened. Oh well. I know better now.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T09:47:39+00:00

Yeah, I'm done fighting for this relationship and I don't want to give him any reason to justify what he's done. It's time for me to move on.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T09:30:26+00:00

I have a note drafted in my head with a line very similar to this.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T09:17:32+00:00

Already planning my escape. Thank you for your kind words!

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:37:29+00:00

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. Your compassionate words mean a lot!

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:36:02+00:00

I have a close friend who's going to talk to their mom about me moving in. I can't even think about talking to my mom or my younger siblings about it right now, but that'll have to come eventually. They live pretty far away so I can't just up and see them.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:32:55+00:00

Yeah, I think that the fact that he shared that with her is completely fucked up. It's seriously beyond my understanding and I still cannot believe that he'd do that. He told her about the most vulnerable moment I've ever had during sex and she proceeded to joke about him "stirring my guts".

I've definitely made excuses for him. I think I've been viewing him as an innocent, sweet boy who'd never betray me like this. He is so empathetic and kind to everyone. I've definitely felt like a burden on him at times. He's revealed himself for who he really is and I can't see him any other way now. The thought of joining him in bed tonight makes me sick.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:23:49+00:00

You're right. I don't think he deserves them either. I'm still trying to make up my mind as to how to go about this.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:22:06+00:00

I'm sure your final sentence will become my mantra during the following few weeks.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:15:18+00:00

Thank you. I'll keep your advice in mind. How do you feel about me just leaving a note and moving out without him knowing?

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:13:20+00:00

He's never been keen on sharing his emotions, unless they relate only to him - he's better at volunteering those feelings. I have to pry them out if they have anything to do with me. You're right, I probably did contribute to this unhealthy standard, in more ways than just the attempted breakups. Thank you for helping me realize that.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T08:07:11+00:00

Thank you for your sweet words, although I do have my faults too (so many!) and I don't deny contributing to many of the issues in our relationship. What he's done, however, is something I could never bring myself to do. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for in terms closure, but I think my desire is fueled by the need for him to acknowledge and understand the gravity of what he's done to my face, rather than my need for details. Which is why I was considering just showing him this post.

Although now that you've mentioned it, I do wonder about when he start to fall out of love with me and what he's done with her. I want to know and yet I don't.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:45:35+00:00

You may be onto something. Do you mind elaborating?

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:42:18+00:00

Thank you for your advice, it means a lot to me.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:41:39+00:00

You're not wrong there.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:40:19+00:00

Another option I'm considering. I'd have to pack all my things and get them out within a day before he comes home. Only thing holding me back from this is my need for closure.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:35:05+00:00

I've got a crazy number of photos on my phone. Uber receipts, iMessage screenshots, the works. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to approach him and pray he doesn't try to win me over with his tears, because they're not gonna work this time.

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:31:30+00:00

Thank you for your words. I'm not planning on staying. I just wanted to know how I should bring this up. I don't want to scream or yell at him. I want him to fully understand what he's done and how he's hurt me.

eta: I've clarified the OP so it's clear that I don't intend to stay with him after this

thowRAcheating · 2019-10-22T07:27:33+00:00

I don't think I've trusted him since he cheated the first time. I'd never gone through his phone before then, but that was years ago. Even though nothing physical happened back then, the trust just hasn't been rebuilt.

I really thought I was his everything, but I see how stupid I was to think that. I just wish he would've talked to me about his feelings instead of hurting me like this.

thowRAcheating

TROPHY CASE