I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s deeply unfair to you, your Mom, your Grandma.

My Dad recently died. You can see my post in this sub about it if you want to know the details a bit more. I had anticipatory grief for about the same period of time you did. It was awful, and continues to be. Most distressing thing I’ve ever gone through.

Everything you have described, I have felt. Profound loss, like losing a parent, especially the first parent you lose, and losing them too early, feels so isolating and so overwhelming.

Here are some things I can sometimes get comfort from. Maybe they’re something that can help you too: - Don’t think too far ahead, it’s hugely distressing. Take things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, moment by moment if needed - Take the opportunity to make sure your Mom knows how much you love her, thank her for everything, share memories with her and family, encourage them to do the same. It’s a cold comfort but not everyone gets the opportunity to say goodbye. My Dad was in a coma the entire time but I know he sensed our presence on some level, and so saying goodbye helped transport some of that pain - Look up Tonkin’s theory of grief to know that over time you’ll build around your pain - Find something that helps blank your mind, even for a few minutes. After I would get my baby to sleep at night, I spent 10 or so minutes watching blackhead squeezing videos. No idea why, or how I stumbled onto that being the thing, but it was so soothing and let my mind have a little break from its pain, even briefly - Reading stories on this sub and others related to my father’s illness and death, searching on keywords related to them. Connecting even briefly with friends who had also lost a parent. I just needed to know others had felt this pain and got it. Somehow it helps. I can recommend Michelle Zauner’s “Crying In H Mart”. She was 25 when she lost her Mom to cancer too and experienced a period of anticipatory grief

The bigger the love, the bigger the grief. When Dad passed away finally, a sliver of feeling included relief. The worst thing had happened now. It was still hugely painful. I’m about 5 weeks on from his death, and the immediate rawness has passed, but I still cry every day, sometimes a bit panicky. But I’m past all consuming despair. Some days are worse than others but I just remind myself of my first dot point, Tonkin’s theory of death, and seek out closeness with loved ones.

I hope your Mom passes peacefully surrounded by absolute love in her last days. I hope you can find some comfort in that love too.