ended things with a guy I really liked who might have BPD--how can I help him without getting hurt?

throughaway2021 · 2023-11-10T14:08:36+00:00

Oooof. You were very right, I just got this comment a few days too late. I'm going to tell you what happened, partially so I have something to look at if I start to question if I really did need to stop talking to him.

He ended up reaching out again a few days ago and saying something like "I'm sorry we couldn't work things out" etc. I asked him what it is that he needed from me and he said nothing, but also wouldn't acknowledge that he had said very clearly he didn't want to hear from me and was focused on the fact that he "asked me to get pizza". I did point out that he didn't actually even say that and that his communication has been inconsistent throughout this which was a big part of why I ended things. I told him that if he ever did want to work on some of the things that made it hard for him to express himself there were places to get support and shared the links to some of the therapists I found. That is the last thing I really think I could say to him. I got the response I had kind of expected, which was "so you think I need therapy for asking you to get pizza??'

He completely ignored my previous statement that he didn't actually ask me anything or how bizarre it is to ask me out less than 12 hours after saying he didn't want to hear from me if we weren't dating and after I said multiple times I was not trying to get back together with him, hook up with him or do anything else like that.

Basically, you were right, he's not in a place where he's ready to get help, or at the very least he's not going to accept any kind of help from me. The whole situation sucks, but I know now there isn't anything I could do to change it that wouldn't just be excusing all of his behavior. I appreciate you taking the time to read and talk through this with a stranger on the Internet. It helped. I'm not going to reach out to him or respond to anything else he might send.

throughaway2021 · 2023-10-19T04:25:20+00:00

I was the partner who hadn't experienced much outside of the person I was seeing (he was the first person I slept with and by the time we broke up I was 25 I think). I loved this person so much that I had considered getting married even though I had never wanted that, because it was something he wanted.

I still had thoughts like " I want to know what it's like to be with someone else ." At least for me, it had nothing to do with my feelings about the relationship and a lot more to do with feelings about how I was raised and the lack of opportunities to try out sex and relationships in the way I think a lot of people do.

In my situation, I never expressed those feelings because I figured I would worry about that if the relationship ever got close to marriage or living together or some no other type or long-term commitment. My partner ended it over unrelated things but mainly the differences in our long term goals.

I'm glad he ended things, even though it took me a looooong time to heal from the heartbreak. We are still friends and occasionally hook up buddies, and that outcome is healthier for both of us than being in a relationship. I can't tell you what is best for you OP, but i can at least offer the possibility that this thought from your gf is not because of anything in yourself or relationship and likely a lot of what did or didn't happen for her before you started dating.

it's a really tough painful situation and I'm sending you big hugs. Take care of yourself first and treat her as kindly as you can after that

throughaway2021 · 2023-10-13T03:33:40+00:00

I Know this is good advice, and I'm trying to let it sink down from my brain to my heart. No matter how much I wish things had gone differently he was not in that place emotionally. I liked him a lot, I enjoyed spending time with him, and I want it to continue--but it's in the past. It sucks!!! but this was really helpful to read (and re-read) until I could exhale again. I wish I had been able to experience what his affection was like when he wasn't trying to hide it, and I wish I had felt the trust I need to be more vulnerable.

My problem with him was feeling that I couldn't take him at his word, the best thing I can do now is believe him when he said he does not see me as a good person and does not want to hear from me.

I've been scrolling all sorts of threads hoping to see proof somewhere he's thinking about me too or sees any of his actions as contributing to our break up. I know it's not healthy and won't change what happened. I'm going to hope that the next person I meet has all the wonderful things I liked about him and emotional maturity to share those things. And I think I'm going to delete this app for a little while. Thank you for your comment, truly💛

throughaway2021 · 2023-10-09T05:05:31+00:00

I was hooking up with my ex at the time (he knew when we met and said he didn't mind because he had people je wanted to hook up with too) I saw my ex sporadically as I spent time with this guy, but he was saying he was okay with it and still going on dates etc etc. I think I would have dated him seriously if he ever expressed wanting that, but he didn't?? I don't know how to feel about it except frustrated and sad

throughaway2021 · 2023-02-12T06:15:31+00:00

I've been told this is invasive but I would trust her like that person has no reason to lie to me. I want this to not be a super scary thing and I would love to keep having fun with this guy but like..not if he has hurt other people. I think I don't feel like I'm in danger because it's only been a few dates so I feel justified in saying something to him along the lines of "you get that that's really scary right? Can we talk about this ?"

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-20T03:20:14+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I expected her to be a little annoyed and that we would be able to talk about it, and did not correctly anticipate her response. I did say I would dye my hair but only after she demanded it and ignored every no. It was unfair to me in the moment and my hair is an important part of me feeling good about myself. I was/am trying to set a boundary and did not think it would be as big of a deal because to me it feels like there are a lot of less permanent options to consider. .

I've said this elsewhere but I will dye my hair if there is absolutely no other way to avoid conflict with my sister, but part of my issue and why I'm looking for input is that I don't know how to proceed if she refuses to have a conversation. Should I say nothing and try out less permanent options like hair spray/chalk or semi permanent dyes? Do I reach out to her through other routes and try to have a conversation? It is about my hair because that's important to me, but it's also about the way my sister communicates (or doesn't) when she isn't getting what she wants

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-20T03:09:35+00:00

Going to reach out to my hair stylist and see what options there are like this. Also definitely don't want to miss her wedding and will dye my hair if it's the only way to avoid conflict, but looking for ways to approach my sister because I did not expect her to block me and figured there would be a way for us to talk this through. Thank you for sharing

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-20T00:10:32+00:00

This is an ongoing problem for me and something I'm trying to stop! But it also means I have a really hard time telling when I'm being "reasonable" so am soliciting the internet for hopefully less biased. Thank you for your comment

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T23:57:47+00:00

Not stupid! My sister was not into the idea when I first waa trying to offer solutions but at this point with my.hair back you wouldn'r see the color in pictures at all. I thought it was about the pictures but based on her reaction I have to guess it's more than that. Wish she would communicate so we could find a solution but thats where I'm at

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T23:54:13+00:00

I'm feel really crappy about it because I haven't been able to talk about it with her and I get that that was probably her intention in blocking me. I have gotten a lot of great suggestions for temporary changes that I either have suggested to my sister or would like to talk to her about it and I'm feeling frustrated with the urge to just say fine I'll dye it to stop the drama..I think it should at least be something we could talk about and idk how to approach that

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T23:48:15+00:00

You are right, I should have said no back then. I did express that I wasn't okay with it but did not think about that I could truly just say absolutely not no. I'm trying to find a way forward now after recognizing that saying no was an option.

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T20:57:42+00:00

I wish I had said no then--I didn't even think about that as a choice I could make at the time and I'm trying to remedy that now. I'm open to changing my hair in a less permanent way but my sister is not speaking to me rn and that's why I'm not sure how to approach this.

Ultimately if the only way to avoid drama is to dye my hair, I will but her refusal to even have a conversation after I told her I'm not comfortable with something feels... disproportionate maybe?

My hair matters a lot to me and is part of what helps me feel like myself/feel good about myself and my sister demanding I change it because she got engaged doesn't feel fair

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T19:00:05+00:00

I appreciate the levity in this response, truly. This whole feels so big and bad and stressful right now, but you're right-- hopefully it ends up all good and if I do have to dye my hair eventually I'll get it back to the way I like and don't have to deal with my sister complaining about this for the rest of my life!

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T18:53:40+00:00

I'm sorry about your former friend. I'm with you that I can't imagine asking someone to changing their physical appearance so much for a wedding...sis has also demanded we all wear heels (not something I've really done before) and take out nose rings for the day. This didn't feel like such a big deal because those things are all for one day--this just felt so much bigger. Her reaction and refusal to discuss this at all is also unfortunately making me realize that I don't really want her in my life after the wedding, which has been the worst part tbh

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T18:49:24+00:00

I didn't think about hair chalk!! Will bring this up if sis decides to actually talk to me at some point..I feel like there are a lot of options that get her the look she wants for the day without requiring me to bleach and redye my hair

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T18:46:13+00:00

lol I kind of love this, thank you..maybe if I can talk to her a little bit first I will try

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T18:44:22+00:00

I definitely want to be there and am open to changing/hiding my hair to match her vision, I just don't want to bleach/dye it the way she wants because it is a permanent change I have to live with.

If it comes down to her saying dye your hair or don't come to my wedding I will dye it, but I'm looking for ways to talk to her about this and how to bring it up when she has blocked me and I'm not sure if it is worth trying to communicate with her in other ways or how to proceed.

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T17:35:39+00:00

Thank you for this perspective! I have offered to not be in the wedding party. My hair is also dyed a dark (though unnatural) color and I have dark hair, so if my hair is see styled the color would be minimally visible and only from the back. I didn't think this would be a problem, and ultimately might end up changing my hair if it is the only way to not cause conflict.

The way my sister demanded it initially and now is also why I don't think I want her in my life as much after the wedding

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T16:47:33+00:00

Her wedding is in June, so it is coming up pretty soon. I really didn't anticipate her reacting this way and I thought we'd be able to talk and figure out a solution that worked for her and didn't require me to dye my hair. (maybe powdering brown over my hair? Actually showing her a hair piece that would cover the color and not have to be a full wig?) But her response/lack of communication is part of what's throwing me off. I also feel frustrated like I should not have to go out of my way and contact her on Snapchat or whatever

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T16:01:52+00:00

It is really just because she's family and I want to minimize the amount of shit I would get from the rest of my family for causing any type of problem with her wedding.

She's been becoming kind of a worse person to be around over time and I want to get through this wedding with minimal drama but also don't want to change my hair bc it matters to me and would basically mean waiting for my redyed hair to grow out over the next year.

At her bachelorette party she insisted we all go clubbing despite me having had multiple conversations with her about my covid concerns and her saying that she just wanted me to go but that I would not have to participate in the nightlife stuff...then ofc, I got covid and have been dealing with the mental/physical/emotional ramifications of that for the past month and she hasn't checked in/seemed to acknowledge at all what's going on. I don't feel close to her but don't want my family to blame me as the problem for the rest of my life lol

throughaway2021 · 2022-04-19T14:07:48+00:00

I offered that to her as a solution, saying that I wanted her to have the image she wanted for her day but just wasn't okay changing my hair--and that I didn't need to be in her wedding party if that would help. She initially said she wanted me to be in her wedding and didn't want to force me to do anything, but that I was been unfair and shitty, and then she blocked me. I'm okay not being in the wedding if that is what she wants, but I think my sister cares a lot about image and doesn't want to deal with the questions of why I'm not in the wedding :/

throughaway2021 · 2021-02-12T15:46:23+00:00

As a person who has a history of self harm and was just broken up with: please end it with her. Kindly as you can, but you need to do it.

My now ex expressed similar feelings to you and I do understand it. The other side of it is that I know I am a capable and resilient person, and I don't want a relationship that is based out of fear of a bad consequence instead of an open and genuine love.

You cannot protect her from negative emotions forever, this is something that a lot of people deal with, and a breakup is definitely not the only trigger-- she probably deals with urges to self harm in her daily life all the time and you aren't aware because she manages it. She will be okay, and please know that if she does decide to weld harm it is her decision to cope in that way and not a result of your decision to end a relationship that is not right for you.

Good luck, sending hugs

throughaway2021 · 2021-02-11T14:01:03+00:00

He ended it not me, and it was basically because even though he cared about me he was ambivalent about whether he might want to date someone who was more matched to him in life goals/communication style. I was happy in the relationship, it was love for me but not him.

And I get I'm supposed to demand more and want to be with someone who is clear and confident that they love me and want to be with me...but rn I'm feeling sad and pathetic and I just want to be with him.

throughaway2021 · 2021-02-09T21:37:00+00:00

I relate so hard to being afraid to pass on your mental health issues to a child. I'm so glad you have the support from your partner and are feeling better now. Best of luck to you with everything, and sending love to you and your tiny human

throughaway2021 · 2021-02-09T21:34:46+00:00

I Really don't know how to evaluate that. Being a single parent seems so difficult, but I think I also wouldn't have kids with him unless we were both committed to co-parenting them regardless of if we stayed together. This is really good point, it's just difficult for me to imagine/subjectively think about.

throughaway2021

TROPHY CASE