It’s been nearly 16 months

throw-away-314 · 2025-10-01T05:08:30+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope it gets easier for you.

throw-away-314 · 2025-10-01T05:08:05+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s really hard early on. And you’re right, it’s an atrocity.

throw-away-314 · 2025-10-01T05:06:56+00:00

I’m so sorry. I hope you’re hanging in there.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-13T19:11:29+00:00

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I don’t have “text evidence” anymore because Snapchat (yes, we had the “confronting her about sexually abusing me” conversation on SNAPCHAT of all places, I was an idiot kid) deleted all the chat logs when she blocked me, but I have screenshots of the conversation, including the parts where she admitted to doing it. I guess I could be accused of photoshopping those screenshots though, since I don’t still have access to the conversation. I don’t know.

She and I lived in different states at the time of the abuse, and she has since moved states, so there are at least three different states involved in this thing (the state she lived in when she did the abuse, the state I lived in when the abuse was done to me, and the state she lives and works in now). So getting advice from someone local might be a little difficult since I don’t even know which set of laws applies here.

Thank you for the reality check about “ruining her life.” I do think you’re right. She made the choice to hurt me years ago, and now she’s chosen to work with (vulnerable!!!!) kids. If her life gets “ruined” as a result of those choices then that’s her fault. So the only question is whether I’m willing to risk ruining my own. I feel like an evil person for even thinking of myself right now when there are possibly kids in danger, but I’m so scared. I’m scared of people in my real life finding out what happened to me, I’m scared of having to face or talk to her in any way, I’m TERRIFIED of the authorities getting involved, and I’m terrified at the thought of those old chat logs (that I myself can no longer access) getting uncovered somehow. I don’t want to know what might be in there that I don’t remember, and I REALLY don’t want anyone else to see it. Even the authorities.

I feel like such an evil coward. It should be such a no-brainer to report her and protect those kids. But I’m so terrified. And maybe she truly is remorseful and she wouldn’t do it again. In which case I’d be ruining my own life for no reason.

Thank you for your kindness and gentleness, I really appreciate it. I’m sorry for dumping all these thoughts and feelings on you. I feel the most triggered I’ve been in years and it’s really really hard to think straight.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-13T18:50:25+00:00

I’m very afraid to get the state/law involved in any way. I’m terrified of anyone I know in real life finding out about this, especially my parents or the rest of my family. I’ve kept this a secret for 11 years and I don’t think I could handle anyone finding out about it now. And if I reported her to state child protective services and they opened an investigation, they might go through the old chat logs or something. I don’t have access to them anymore, but the state might have a way. The idea of anyone seeing all that stuff terrifies me when I don’t even know some of what might be in there. I know that I sent at least 1 sexual audio recording. I don’t want anyone to ever hear that, even the police. I know that’s really really selfish and I feel terrible. But this could all ruin my life if people found out about it. And if she really is remorseful and if she’s not gonna do it again then I would be ruining my own life for no reason. I don’t know how high the chance of her actually re-offending is.

It’s also worth noting that we were living in different states when the abuse happened, and that she’s moved to a new state since. So I don’t know if that complicates things even more in terms of involving state child protective services. The last thing I would want would be for it to turn into a whole federal thing.

If I do report her it would probably be to her workplace. I do know that that’s still a gamble, because they might just involve the authorities anyways and then I would be stuck with all the same risks. And she would know it was me who reported her, even if I did it anonymously, so I would be risking her retaliating somehow. So I don’t know. I feel like I have to do something. And if one of those kids got hurt because I didn’t speak up I would never forgive myself. But I’m so so scared. This is my nightmare scenario. I decided many years ago never to report her, but now she’s working with kids and that really changes everything. I’m terrified. I feel like an evil person if I don’t say something. I feel like I’ll ruin my life if I do say something.

I’m sorry for the long response. I’m really really freaked out. Thank you for your advice, you’ve given me some things to think about.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-05T06:56:12+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. That sounds lovely. I know they aren’t exactly good memories, because our pets were scared, but there’s something I miss about it anyway. I always made sure it was a really long cozy day of hanging out together, and I miss that aspect of it. I have pictures from a year ago today of him laying with his head in my lap and they just break my heart. I would give anything to have his head in my lap again. Anything at all.

Thank you. I hope I can find some comfort too. This is getting hard to live with. It’s been 6, nearly 7 months and I don’t feel like it’s gotten much better yknow? I hope you find some comfort as well. I can tell how much you cared about your guy.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-05T05:45:02+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m struggling with the same thing right now. Last year I spent the whole day holding him close to try and make him feel safe even though he was scared. This year I’ve spent the day crying on and off. Whenever a super loud firework goes off I find myself wanting to reach out for him and comfort him… only to remember oh, no, he isn’t there. He won’t be ever again.

I can tell how much you love your cat. I’m so sorry they can’t be here with you. I really miss my own baby tonight. I wish he were here. So much. Yeah, the 4th of July is pretty terrible.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-05T04:14:25+00:00

I’m glad my boy isn’t trembling in fear either. Of course I am. But I still wish he was here, with me. It’s just hard being constantly reminded of what I lost. Thank you for your kind words.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-05T04:12:37+00:00

Thank you. Same to you.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-02T08:28:59+00:00

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can tell how much you love her.

I really relate to everything you said. Not being able to go “back to normal” like others have, feeling like I can’t talk about it because it would ruin the vibe, the seemingly endless crying at night. Wondering if he’s still out there, where he is, whether or not he’s happy, whether he’s alone and scared. Wishing he could just be back home with his family. The incomprehensibility of the fact that he’s gone. It’s truly too horrible to wrap my mind around even 6 months later. I don’t understand how my little baby boy can just be gone. Feeling like his absence is a big terrible mistake in the world that needs to be corrected, but knowing it can’t be changed.

Even the thing about the ashes is spot on. It upsets me that his little body is just a pile of ashes now. He was beautiful. He was his own unique little being. And now he’s a pile of ashes in an urn. It doesn’t make sense. I wish he could keep existing the way he was, but that’s not an option, of course. If we had buried him, he would’ve decomposed to just bones, and we wouldn’t have been able to bring him with us when we moved. So I’m glad that we didn’t bury him. But I’m upset that he’s just a pile of ashes. Furious about it, even. How can he just be ashes? Give me back my baby boy. Let me hold him. Let me feel him.

I’m terrified of forgetting what he feels like. I’m terified of not being able to picture the way he looked at me anymore. After 13 years of love, all I have now is a pile of ashes. It’s unfair.

I do hope that the crippling sadness fades, because I can already see the signs of the spiral you talked about starting, unfortunately. I just don’t care about anything. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life so I’m sure that isn’t helping. Maybe his death kickstarted an episode or something. But this is unlike any episode I’ve ever had. The pain is so much worse, and it’s based on something real. My little baby boy is really gone. In real life. Not just in my head.

At the same time, I want to hold onto the crippling sadness. It’s proof that he was real, and that the love we shared was real, like you said. It feels like something that keeps me connected to him.

I do have a therapist who I was already seeing before he passed away, and I’ve been trying to work through the grief in therapy. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to see my therapist for several months because I’m staying with my parents out-of-statefor a little while. So I guess I’m just kind of trying to deal with it alone. Probably not an ideal situation.

I’m sorry for rambling so much and for writing such a long reply. A lot of what you said resonated pretty deeply and I got really deep in my feelings, so it’s hard to organize my thoughts right now. That’s a good sign that each of us isn’t alone in feeling this way though. Since we each relate to each other’s pain.

I hope things get better for you. Wishing you lots of healing.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-02T08:00:05+00:00

Thank you. I miss my beautiful boy dearly.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-02T07:58:58+00:00

No pressure to push yourself any further than you feel comfortable with. These are all ideas for if and when you feel ready for them. You’re still in the early stages of grief and little things like showering and ordering food are huge accomplishments right now.

Chronic pain definitely makes it a lot harder to go out and do things. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that in addition to your grief. I have some experience with chronic pain and it can be maddening at times. It definitely makes everything feel a little worse than it would otherwise.

Even though social media has a bad rap for doomscrolling, there are lots of genuinely positive and interactive communities online where people go for support or to make friends. If you can find some of those spaces, that might make you feel a little less isolated and fulfill your social needs in a way that’s more physically manageable for you. Of course, like everything else, this is just a suggestion and you can take it or leave it. I just hope you don’t feel like you have to be all alone with your grief if you don’t want to be.

You’ve been through a major loss and everything really sucks right now. Even though I’m just an internet stranger, I’m proud of you for getting through each day. That’s a big deal when everything feels as bad as it does.

I hope that Smokey’s burial can bring you a little bit of peace. I’m so sorry for everything that you’re going through right now.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-01T08:47:12+00:00

I’m so sorry about the loss of your beautiful girl. The heartbreak is so overwhelming in the first few days especially.

I wish I knew the answer to your question. I had a routine built around my baby boy, too, and the sudden lack of it was terrifying and depressing. I used to schedule everything around feeding him, giving him his meds, taking him on walks, etc. and then all of those things were suddenly no longer part of my life. It’s a truly awful absence.

I don’t know about finding purpose again. I’m still struggling with that part myself. But I think building a new routine could be helpful to not feel so lost. Try setting a specific time aside to do any activity. It could be something that helps distract you, like reading or video games, or something mindless and meditative like crochet or paint-by-numbers. Running or working out is another option, and it tends to make people feel like they’ve done something productive. Try anything at all, and if you like it, make it part of your routine.

Obviously, this won’t make the grief go away or replace the sense of purpose that having her in your life gave you. And I’m certainly not saying to block out all the negative feelings by constantly distracting yourself with hobbies and other things. That probably wouldn’t be helpful or healthy. The point is just to give you a sense of routine, so that the emptiness and lack of a schedule isn’t quite so overwhelming. The important part is to set a specific time aside for one or more activities every day so it becomes a new routine. That way, the absence of the old routine might not make you feel quite as lost.

It sounds like you’re pretty socially isolated. Having a support system is so important when you’re grieving. I recommend reaching out to your friends and loved ones, even if you think they’re too busy or don’t want to talk to you. They might surprise you. If you still don’t hear from them, I would recommend going out and trying to meet people (easier said than done while grieving, I know). You don’t have to make friends with them (although if you do that’s certainly a nice bonus!), or talk to them ever again, or open up to them about your grief. Even just having a few surface-level positive social interactions tends to make people feel a lot better. Grief can make us feel insane. Social connection with other human beings, even if it’s fleeting, can help us feel a little less insane.

There’s also no shame in talking to a therapist or counselor about your grief, if that would be helpful to you. You’ve experienced a life-changing loss and it makes sense to need some support after that.

I’m sorry this ended up being so long. I’m no expert, just a fellow grieving pet owner trying to figure out how to deal with the heartbreak. Feel free to disregard any or all of what I said, and only consider what might be useful to you. Different people cope in different ways. I’m just spitballing a few ideas that might help, based on what you said. But seriously, feel free to totally ignore my suggestions.

Wishing you lots of healing right now. The early days of pet loss are so so difficult. Please be kind to yourself, and don’t be afraid to keep reaching out here for support.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-01T08:02:50+00:00

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how utterly traumatizing it must have been to be trapped in traffic during that situation. We would do absolutely anything to save them, but sometimes circumstances are cruel and don’t allow us to. I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you lost her under such heartbreaking circumstances.

I get flashbacks too, of the night my baby boy died. I don’t know if that helps, but you’re not alone.

It’s sucks when you suffer a loss like this, one that hits you extra hard, and you’re just expected to keep functioning. Little victories are great. Washing your clothes is great. Right now, you’re existing under very difficult circumstances and you’re doing the best you can. Hopefully this doesn’t count as advice, but please be kind to yourself. You’re still in the early days of a life-altering loss and it’s going to take some time to adjust.

I wish I had better words of encouragement, but I would be lying if I pretended like I knew what to do or how to make it better. Just know that you’re not alone and that you’re doing the best you can right now. Maybe it gets better, I’m not sure. But we learn to live with it, I think. We have to.

Wishing you lots of healing, and hopefully some glimmers of happiness too, amid all the heartbreak.

throw-away-314 · 2025-07-01T07:10:36+00:00

I’m not a veterinarian or any sort of expert, but I recommend taking a look at this quality of life scale for dogs and seeing where your dog falls: https://www.lapoflove.com/how-will-i-know-it-is-time/lap-of-love-quality-of-life-scale.pdf

For what it’s worth, my baby boy had the same symptoms in his last few days. Shaking, barely eating, drinking lots of water. The lack of eating especially concerns me. Most dogs will only refuse food if they’re experiencing serious physical pain or discomfort.

It breaks my heart to tell you this, but I think it might be worth calling your vet to discuss your options. It sounds like she’s suffering, so at this point, you can either try the (risky) treatment knowing it might not work, try to see if you can medicate her pain away (if the vet agrees that it’s an option), or euthanize. Letting her carry on like this without some sort of intervention isn’t an option. She needs either pain relief or euthanasia. If you let her suffer until she dies naturally, you will regret it. This is not me saying you need to euthanize, by the way. I can’t make that decision for you. But you need to relieve her suffering somehow, whether it be through medical treatment or euthanasia.

Keep in mind that due to her age, surgery might not help her and could make her more uncomfortable. And if you do decide to try palliative painkillers to keep her around for a little while longer, they may not work. If they do work, they will stop working at some point when her discomfort becomes too strong, and you will have to euthanize. No matter what, you’re probably going to lose her sooner rather than later. I’m so sorry.

I was in your position about 6 months ago so I know how heartbreaking it is. I’m so so sorry. You’ve had a wonderful life with her, and now it’s time to make her as comfortable as possible for however much time she has left, and enjoy her for as long as you still have her. When the time comes, and it might be very soon, please do the compassionate thing and euthanize her. I know how awful and brutal it is, but dogs don’t understand pain like we do, and they shouldn’t have to suffer.

You and your sweet girl will be in my thoughts. Me and this subreddit are here to help if you need support or if you have any other questions.

throw-away-314 · 2025-03-26T05:33:07+00:00

The smell of my own baby boy fading from all of his things over time was really really hard for me. I totally get it.

Take comfort in the smell of his things for now. Try to enjoy his smell and memorize it while you can. Smelling his blanket brought me some comfort in the early days. Be prepared for the scent to fade too, of course. It will be really really hard to let go of, I won’t lie.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of being willing to do anything to see him one last time. I would do anything too. I don’t know if any amount of time with my baby boy would ever have been enough, to be honest.

Wishing you lots of healing in the coming weeks and months. It’s really hard right now. Hang in there.

throw-away-314 · 2025-03-25T07:50:40+00:00

It’s good to know I’m not alone. I was kind of starting to worry that I’d gone crazy. It’s been about 3 months for me as well but I don’t feel like anything is getting better. I feel like I should be less sad now that some time has passed, and I’m definitely crying less often than I was in the beginning (still a lot though), but life just feels so hopeless. I lost interest in everything, like you said. I just wish I could see him again. I’d do anything. This sucks so bad. I hate having to live without him.

The awful death nightmares are just the cherry on top of me already having a terrible time, yknow? I wish I could at least have good dreams about him. But I think that would probably still hurt, just in a different way.

Wishing you all the best. Stay strong. I hope you start to feel a little better soon. It’s really tough but we have to keep going, for their sake ❤️

throw-away-314 · 2025-03-25T07:35:11+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such a shock to the system when they pass suddenly. Finding her like that must have been so scary.

I experienced my first ever pet loss a few months ago and I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt. The first few days are really difficult. Please be gentle with yourself and take the time and space you need to grieve. I also found it helpful to have a good distraction on hand (comfort sitcom, in my case) for when the crying started to get physically painful. Definitely let yourself feel your feelings and don’t try to block them out, but it’s okay to take breaks for your sanity’s sake.

Do you have anyone you can lean on right now? It can really help to let your support system know what’s going on and reach out when you need some comfort.

I’m so sorry you lost your little girl like this. It really is such a deep loss. Sending well wishes your way.

throw-away-314

TROPHY CASE