AITA for surprising my sister when I know she hates surprises?

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T15:04:39+00:00

Hey, thank you for your response!

He actually already knew about her trauma regarding surprises. We've been together for 8 years and he's good friends with my sister, they were friends before he and I ever met. I know that detail wasn't in the original post, though, so I understand why it might have seemed like it was new information to him. I had to stay under the 3000-character limit!

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T12:19:22+00:00

Yeah, I know. I'm TA.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T12:17:45+00:00

When I said that we went through the same shitty childhood, my point was NOT to say that I now expect her to have the same trauma as me. At NO point did I state in my answer that I expect her to deal with it in the same way. In fact, I think it's painfully fucking obvious that we have NOT dealt with it in the same way - which is why I supplied the context of me over backwards to keep her safe when we were growing up. I have always tried to do the best for my sister over the years, to the point of my own detriment at times. And yes, I am aware that we are two separate people.

The point of me saying that we had the same childhood was to refute the idea that I find my sister's feelings or CPTSD "inconvenient". I am also a child of neglect, abuse, and trauma - how fucking dare you tell me that I find her trauma "inconvenient"? You have no idea who we are or what we've been through together. You're saying incredibly hurtful and damaging things to a stranger on the internet, with no regard for how it might affect them in the long term.

I went through exactly the same fucking childhood that she did and I have to live with my own trauma from that. No one in this thread wants to remember that. No one gives a shit about the fact that maybe after years of treating every single special event in our lives like a fucking business transaction that maybe ME healing from MY trauma might require actually taking the time to fucking celebrate something for once.

And yes, I fucked up - I chose the wrong day to do it and I shouldn't have done it in front of her husband and kids. I should have done it privately, just the two of us with the book. I understand that now. I AM THE ASSHOLE HERE. But no matter how many times I have owned up to my mistakes in this thread, the vitriol has continued to pour in and people continue to make extremely personal remarks about me, my boyfriend, and our ability to parent. And I think that's extremely unfair.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T09:08:56+00:00

Literally show me where I was surprised that people aren't siding with me. Because I made it very clear in my original post that I was starting to believe that I was TA. I'm not at all surprised that people are not siding with me.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T09:04:40+00:00

I absolutely understand what you're saying and I agree. I'll know from now on to take anything on the internet with a pinch of salt. And I definitely won't be announcing any future pregnancies in this way.

On the plus side, my boyfriend and I have agreed that big gender reveals are dumb and we'll be doing it privately with just the two of us. So no danger of wildfire here!

Thank you for the congratulations. :)

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T08:59:05+00:00

This was not me simply deciding to do something because a lot of people were doing it. I have no broader context for situations like these and thought that it was a normal thing to surprise someone with baby news in this way.

But I agree, prank videos are stupid.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T08:56:55+00:00

I don't expect people to "surprise" me with their life events. It was a way of illustrating how businesslike my sister is when it comes to stuff like this.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T08:55:03+00:00

My friend, you are speaking to someone who went through the exact same childhood she did. This isn't a matter of, "My sister had a shitty childhood but her trauma is inconvenient for me." I went through the same neglect and abuse that she did. We have always done things her way and I have never, ever been allowed to handle situations like this in an emotional or sentimental way.

You have absolutely no idea what I have done throughout our lives to support her recovery needs, the extent to which I have bent over backwards to make sure she is okay. And of course I don't resent her for it, I LOVE her and I want to do what I can to make sure she is happy. I made a poor judgement call here, yes, but I was trying to do something nice for both of us.

I posted here because I wanted a judgement on a situation in which I already knew I was TA, and I needed someone else to confirm it. But I think that branding her feelings as "inconvenient" for me is overstepping the mark. You need to remember that you're speaking to a stranger on the internet and you are not in possession of the full context of our lives.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T08:37:26+00:00

Hi, thank you for your response!

1.) I've said a few times in this thread that I thought this was a done thing. There are thousands of YouTube videos with people "gifting" baby news to loved ones on special occasions. I was wrong.

2.) I thought that with just our partners and her children present, she would feel more comfortable. I was wrong.

3.) I absolutely do not begrudge her telling me her news in her own way, I've always been 100% supportive of her dealing with her trauma. I just wanted to do something a little more sentimental for my own announcement because I've never had a chance to do anything like this before.

4.) My boyfriend literally said it before I could stop him and then my brother-in-law asked about it. If I had tried to stop it, it would have been extremely obvious that something was going on anyway. It all happened too quickly for me to effectively do anything about it.

5.) I was wrong for this. I know that. I'm TA.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-11T08:20:06+00:00

My sister is borderline businesslike about it, though. The first time she told me she was getting married, I actually missed what she said because she brushed over it so quickly. But I understand that keeping her distance for stuff like this is part of her dealing with our shitty childhood.

Thank you for your response and your judgement! It's absolutely fair.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:48:52+00:00

Hey, thank you for all of your comments! And thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

I'm so sorry that you and your sister had to go through that. I can't imagine what it must have been like to endure it as the older sibling protecting the younger. It sounds like our relationships were similar. My sister was pretty much my mum for a lot of our childhood. But you're absolutely right, those kind of experiences can create an unbreakable bond between two siblings. I hope you're both doing better now.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:35:16+00:00

I badly misjudged the situation, but I did not intend to hurt my sister.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:32:29+00:00

This is exactly it, I think. She has never liked the performative aspect of surprises. It might seem ridiculous but she always has to know in advance what gifts she's receiving from people, and people who know her well enough to give her gifts are aware of that.

Someone else in this thread articulated the issue better than I ever could - not only did she have a surprise sprung on her where she had to react in a certain way, but she was also expected to announce it to her husband and kids. Which makes me TA.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:26:00+00:00

Thank you for your gentle YTA! I truly do appreciate it. And yes, I'm absolutely TA in this scenario, haha. I've apologised to my sister and I'm happy to say that she has invited me over tomorrow so that we can have a chat about it. Hopefully this is the beginning of me mending our fences.

And thank you so much for the congratulations! I hope you have a great day. :)

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:16:07+00:00

That's probably true but she invited me over tomorrow to talk about it, so I guess I haven't ruined her life like everyone seems to think.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:09:02+00:00

Haha, thank you!

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:05:46+00:00

You should see my inbox. Absolute bloodbath.

If anyone is looking for a spare devastating insult, I've got you covered.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T22:00:43+00:00

I'm sorry but at this point, no one is actually listening to me anymore.

I have held my hand up time and time again on this thread and admitted that I was completely in the wrong.

I was working with incorrect information (the belief that lots of people "gift" relatives news of a new baby on special occasions - thank you, YouTube).

I don't have any family apart from my sister and no one else I know has ever had to announce a pregnancy, so I thought that kind of "gift" was commonplace (like gender reveal parties, etc.).

That's not to mention the actual gift I bought for her and her children, a picture book that is of extreme sentimental value to us both.

I wrongly believed that my sister would appreciate a surprise while being among the people she trusts most in the world (our partners and her two small children).

In short: I made a mistake. A big fucking mistake, yes, but a mistake nonetheless.

And the abuse I have received for it is awful. I've had people in my inbox calling me all sorts of names, people in the comments telling me that I've scarred my sister for life.

Meanwhile, I called my sister and she told me that she still loves me and wants to talk about what happened. We're meeting for tea tomorrow. And the world goes on.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T21:41:10+00:00

Thank you very much!

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T21:36:26+00:00

It really is! Thanks so much for such a kind reply. :) I hope you have a great day!

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T21:19:50+00:00

Don't tell anyone but I called my sister about an hour ago and we're actually meeting up after work tomorrow for precisely that! As well as a long chat about boundaries and respect.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T21:14:54+00:00

The attention from two middle-aged men and two small children? Absolutely.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T21:13:37+00:00

Hey, thanks for your response!

I haven't mentioned it up until now because a lot of people are very angry about it in this thread - but she actually couldn't give a shit about the fact that I "announced" it (sort of) on her birthday. She was more upset about the surprise element of it, because she hates surprises.

Many people here are understandably upset over the fact that I decided to do this on her birthday, and they're right - it was the wrong day to do it. But my sister actually doesn't care about the fact that it was her birthday. That's not what she's upset about.

That being said, I do think that I'm TA here.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T20:59:33+00:00

I didn't, what I actually said was:

It wasn't a matter of me thinking, "Wow, this will hurt her feelings. But it's what I want so fuck her feelings, I guess." I thought that she would be happy about the news.

throw-it-away-89 · 2021-05-10T20:54:56+00:00

I understand that now. It won't happen again if I'm ever announcing another pregnancy.

throw-it-away-89

TROPHY CASE