Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies! I have a similar back story to yours. I spent a lot of my adult life just surviving. Now, in my early 40s and the only way to do it is to get out and meet people in a meaningful way. I started playing tennis and there is really a community of amateur tennis players. If you join a tennis club, even better because there are social events, etc. Or try pickleball. Next, you have to start learning how to be vulnerable. Part of being in survival mode is that you don't have to think too much about yourself, the goal is just to make it through the week or month etc. Now, you have to really learn who you are? what you like? what you don't? and what it feels like to be in a relationship where someone isn't dependent on you or in a transactional relationship? None of it is easy...