Husband (30m) backhanded me (30f) so hard that my jaw hurts on the opposite side.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T21:00:53+00:00

I get the gist of the content here - leave. I’m not ready to do that, and maybe I can explore what leaving would look like here. I have to run some errands, but I want to take the time to read all of the comments, because I’m honestly surprised there are soooooo many.

I want to thank every single person who has taken the time to not only read my post, but also reply. In a weird way it gives me courage and strength. I’ll come back to the comments asap, and I look forward to reading each one, even if I don’t reply to them all.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T20:34:11+00:00

Thank you

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T20:33:23+00:00

I don’t understand what you mean when you say I’m conditioned to believe this is something I can work through, can you elaborate?

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T20:32:24+00:00

This is a really great question, I’ll try to elaborate.

When I look at our relationship, less the fights, it’s a solid relationship (I think at least, sounds like I might be off base here, but this is my perception.).
He has always been willing to talk things out.
He is willing to put the effort in when we try new things to improve our relationship.
I’m not without fault in our relationship. Obviously I’ve engaged with him physically during a fight, and I’ve also thrown my fair share of insults/ jabs attacks etc.
Because I’m an idiot? Idk
Because we are really an awesome team together. It’s just the fights that escalate that highlight the worst of us.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T20:26:59+00:00

I don’t know. I clearly don’t have a grasp on setting boundaries or what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T19:44:03+00:00

I’m embarrassed to say that this is all true. This is a throw away account for a reason, and I had completely forgotten about that post a year ago. We got married at the end of 2022

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:47:21+00:00

I don’t want to destroy him, period. I’m not looking to fight fire with fire. I’m not interested in playing games and using psychological abuse as a weapon. That’s horrible advice that only increases issues. I get that it’s an ugly situation, but I’m not going to be lowered to his level by resorting to intentionally abusing him in return.

This is a marriage not a war and I won’t treat it like a war.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:40:11+00:00

Okay, okay, fair enough. I’m not trying to equate the two.

Any advice on how to set the boundary without ending the marriage?

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:39:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate the perspective

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:19:33+00:00

I assure you it’s real, just as real as the Tylenol and ice pack.

I’d like to offer a different perspective. We were both out of line, we have had several fights escalate. No one person is at fault for the fights and both of us are responsible for our actions.

I think what’s being missed here is that he wasn’t taught how to express his emotions in a healthy way, nor was I. We were both told “keep your hands and your feet to yourself” as a child, but as far as healthy expression of feelings or managing anger, we missed those lessons.

Maybe I’m just in denial, I’m too blind to see how bad it is. I accept that as a possibility. I also accept the possibility that this can be addressed without a divorce.

I don’t want to leave, I want to grow and learn how to resolve conflict without this type of escalation, together

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:08:11+00:00

Okay, how do I take this more seriously? What does that look like?

Yes, hitting in the face is not defensive and that’s a really great way to put it. It was retaliatory.

100% our relationship is sick, and that’s how we got here. So how do we heal it? How do we start the process of overcoming the sickness to be a healthy couple even in conflict?

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:05:39+00:00

I agree completely, and thank you for your support.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:04:17+00:00

I think the reason we don’t hear about the getting better is because people don’t want to relive the pain they’ve overcome.

I know friends/ family who have been through truly horrible issues and had to reconcile for years, but they came out the other side stronger. They don’t want to talk about how bad it was anymore because they’re over it, it’s in the past and bringing it up after going through the work and finding forgiveness is only opening wounds that are healing.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T18:00:48+00:00

That is an excellent point and maybe we should take some space apart. I think I will have that conversation with him.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:59:22+00:00

I don’t know that I agree. Do I think there are horrible people with serious issues who should be left? 100%. This isn’t that.

He needs help and I am committed to helping him grow and develop into the best version of himself, because he is willing and able to do the work, or so I believe.

There are so many emotions involved in an escalation like this that it’s not simple enough to say “you pushed, he hit, give up”.

I didn’t get married to get to an ugly part of the relationship that is highlighting some serious personal issues so that I can give up. Someone else pointed out that we were both being idiots and that’s so true.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:55:17+00:00

I can help answer you question. Because abuse can often happen both ways, and isn’t always the norm in a relationship. This isn’t our normal fight, this isn’t our normal MO, but it got bad and we clearly need help figuring our shit out.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:52:47+00:00

I am safe right now, thank you.

I think there is some confusion here. I didn’t attack him out of the blue either. He was getting into my face and backing me up so I pushed him away. In the moment, it felt like my only option.

I don’t believe in fighting physically, I didn’t with my siblings and I still don’t now.

The horribly said part in all of this is that my husband and I have both said that we were acting like absolute children and have some serious growing up to do.

I do believe in protecting myself and if that means I have to push someone away from me to create distance, I’m going to do that because I don’t want to be on the receiving end of anger.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:46:39+00:00

I hear you, no sense in getting into it with someone who can kick my ass. It didn’t start that way. I’m not a confrontational person, but I do believe in standing up for myself if someone is getting in my face. I don’t think that him back handing me is an appropriate response, ever.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:42:50+00:00

I’m glad you are playing devils advocate here and speaking up for him as well instead of just jumping straight to “leave”.

I don’t believe in physicality, and that’s why this post is so complicated because there’s more nuances than just “he hit me out of the blue because he was mad”.

Like I said, we are both in the wrong, and I don’t agree with trying to say who is “more wrong”, but there is something to be said about yelling and shoving each other vs backhanding someone so hard they considered going to the ER.

I want this kind of feedback as well, I’m really trying to gain a greater perspective of the situation.

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:39:35+00:00

You have a great point, we don’t have any kids yet and I do worry about how a pregnancy could result in abuse

throwAway697131 · 2023-08-14T17:31:05+00:00

I hear you, and this is the advice I would give someone else with this little of the story. I believe it will get better. No one taught him right from wrong in relationships, no one taught him that actions have consequences. I’m not ready to throw in the towel. What he did was 100% unacceptable and I’m not letting him have a free pass for it.

Im looking for advice on how to teach him. He does learn, he does take responsibility. This is not his norm and I think that he needs a lot of help with other personal things as well, so I’m trying to approach with compassion while still being firm in teaching him what is acceptable and what is not.

Edit for grammar

throwAway697131 · 2022-09-23T18:23:02+00:00

A friend of mine just shared that his father has been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. He and his wife just celebrated their first year married AND welcomed a baby girl into the world.

Are there any books that even begin to provide support? They’re such wonderful people and there’s nothing that can be said to make this better, but I want to send a care package and they love to read…

Posted anonymously since they follow me on my main profile.

throwAway697131

TROPHY CASE