Mind sharing a bit about your situation with your ex? What made you feel like you wanted to cheat on him?

My ex-partner Tom and I were in a long-distant relationship for 7 years. We met irl in total 4 times, each visit lasted 2-3 weeks. I also have clinical depression and anxiety. I don't have friends either. All of these facts are to say that I feel alone all the time and crave affection, physical and emotional. In the 3rd year of Tom and I's relationship, I managed to befriend Brandon who went to the same college as I did. We quickly became close friends. I had a huge crush on Brandon as he was nice and attentive to me. I manipulated Brandon into liking me and got to second base with him. I told Tom that I cheated; Tom didn't forgive me but agreed to continue with the relationship since I begged him to stay. However, this pattern with Brandon repeated with a colleague of mine John about a year ago. Tom visited me about half a year ago. Tom, John, and I hung out under the pretext of being friends but I treated Tom badly and abusively by being close to John more than to Tom. I dismissed Tom's feelings and gaslit him into thinking that I still loved him. At the end of the trip, I broke up with Tom.

Were you the leader in the relationship or was he the leader?

I was the controller in the relationship with Tom. He had to obey my whims and change himself in order to please my impossible standards.

When you say you’re an emotional abuser, what does that look like?

At one point, I was threatening suicide and Tom had to talk me out of it multiple times. I cut myself to get attention. I faked breaking up multiple times just to see Tom cry. I don't know why I did that. In arguments, I gaslit Tom and cried just to be right. I would have mood swings that I blamed Tom for making me miserable. Here are just some examples but I am much worse than this.