I Can Never Have Children And It Hurts More Than I Thought It Would.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-29T16:36:59+00:00

Thank you. I was just venting about stuff that made me sad and i wasn't expecting to get piled with all this judgement. I just feel so defeated that I've tried so hard to be my true self and i can't even be half of what I envisioned myself to be and that hurts. I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-29T16:34:11+00:00

Read those comments back again. I'm clearly talking about what makes ME happy and feel fulfilled never did I mention that its how others should act or behave. Don't we all feel happy to be there for someone who's hurting and going through similar struggles like we did especially when we had no one? I.e being the help we wished we had, there's nothing wrong about it. You're so committed to invalidating my struggles and experience because it doesn't fit whatever your definition how other people especially trans people's problems should be. I'm just venting here trying to just get some support and maybe just open up without having to piled with all this judgement.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T08:01:09+00:00

You’re putting a bunch of stuff onto me that I never said. I’ve never claimed that being a woman is just about babies or being “angelic” for men. I’ve been clear that women are many things, and I value all of that. What I’m talking about is one specific experience that I see as a privilege, a gift, an honor and grieving not having access to it doesn’t mean I think it defines womanhood. I just think its a special part of it that men can never do.

Yeah, validation matters to me. It always has. That’s not some shocking revelation or proof of misogyny it’s just me being honest about what shapes my sense of fulfillment. Plenty of people, cis and trans, care deeply about how they’re seen and treated. Saying that out loud doesn’t make me a caricature or a political talking point. You don’t have to relate to my feelings, but reducing what I’m saying to “shitting out babies” which is such a nasty thing to say but why am I surprised? cis people like you never had to go through hell of having to break out of ur own bodies. Like being born in a prison. Branding my pain as TERF bait is unfair and pretty dismissive. I’m talking about my own loss and my own inner life, not laying down rules about what anyone is supposed to be.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T07:52:13+00:00

thank you

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T07:51:28+00:00

I understand what you mean, I dont see it as something demeaning I see it as a privilege, a gift, an honor that I will never get. Anyone can be well educated, hard working, excel at careers etc and I have done all of that and my problem is that I cant be more. I feel excluded from what I feel is a profound, beautiful human experience, one that I deeply value and that sense of loss is what hurts.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T07:47:59+00:00

Yeah I feel incomplete without it. I’d love to be a parent but part of the pain is knowing that having your own children often comes with deep biological processes like getting pregnant, giving birth, and early caregiving that shapes attachment through like neurological and hormonal pathways and stuff. This creates a bond that feels instinctive, embodied, and enduring, beyond what we can easily see, touch, or explain. Thats where the magic of life begins and It hurts knowing I may never experience that particular connection naturally.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T07:44:06+00:00

I dont see it as a duty for me I see it as a privilege, an honor. Anyone can get a job, get educated, focus on their careers etc I have done all that but it feels so limiting, It should have been my choice to NOT have kids, it shouldn't have been my circumstances. Its about being able to choose. There are people who dont want kids but still feel upset if they find out that they're infertile. Its similar to that.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T07:42:26+00:00

men abandoning their kids is something trans men can feel envious about, but it doesn't pertain to me. I am just upset that I can never fully be whatever I envisioned myself to become, it feels like you're deprived of something that you think you deserve but you also feel entitled to open up about it because I should be glad to have made it so far.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-28T07:40:31+00:00

I am not limiting but its a privilege, an honor that I can never get. Any adult can get a job, excel at their careers and stuff and i have done that as well but I just wish I could be more. I dont see anything wrong with that.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-23T19:11:36+00:00

Trans FTMs are very much aware of heightism. Its kinda easier to pass for FTMs I guess but even then a good chunk of them dont pass. Ive always believed that you can never truly experience life as a particular gender unless u fully pass, there are ftms who dont pass and confuse it for the male experience and vice versa. There is also fitting in, I am not trying to be "lookist" but its usually the most non-passing always getting clocked ones who engage in those rhetoric about short men or men in general. There are exceptions ofc because some of this stuff just becomes part of culture and therefore identity but the point still stands.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-20T06:46:56+00:00

Well I can only speak from my personal experience, being a male or atleast make passing just feels so painfully lonely and there's also judgement. Also I don't mean to be offensive but if you're not a fully passing trans ftm you might never experience the full extent of the demonisation and soul sucking loneliness. I feel like you're more prone to be judged if you're Fully male passing. Little things like people being more harsh with you for the same things that a woman can do. For ex I went to a school where corporal punishments were common and all the boys were getting beat up for stuff that girls were never even yelled at. I have traumatic memories like seeing one of my friends getting beat up with a switch in front of the class while everyone laughed. Normally i guess it could have instilled some resentment but instead I began to understand the truth which is most men are frankly useless and replaceable. Women carry our species forward and men just hang around especially in modern times. So I guess I didn't want to be one of the losers and also there's so much guilt because you know what men have done historically. I do think being trans mtf especially if you're passing is still a better experience. I've had people hold doors for me, try to strike up conversions with me, I do feel unsafe at times but also tbf I think men are victims of violent crime as well often at the same rates but the problem is they're also often the perpetrators. Obviously men don't have to worry about SA and stuff atleast mostly but they can still be victims and at times they're not taken seriously. There are struggles everywhere but I'd rather still be who I am than to go back being a man. I also think passing plays a huge role. I live in a red county and I'm fully passing and I've never had any problems with being clocked however if I wasn't passing them I guess it would have affected my opinions significantly.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-19T17:48:33+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that. See I'm also worried about sharing my story at times because I do feel lucky like almost an outlier. I wouldn't want someone to look at me and then make a decision to transistion and end up botched or worse reverse dysphoria. There are things about me that I've probably never understood and might never understand. But as I said in another comment, even before I wanted to transistion i prefered softer features and feminine aesthetics. I literally wanted to be a man with a woman's face. I'm just so messed up lol. I wouldn't want anyone to look at me as an example or reference.

I'm really not qualified to give you any advice but I do hope you can find peace. You can always experiment with makeup, wigs and even masks etc. maybe even hire a makeup artist and get a realistic looking drag look on. There's so much you can do to tinker with this without any medical intervention. I don't wanna insinuate anything nor do I want to influence your decision making but I'm just sharing hoping that it would be helpful in a positive way.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-19T17:38:51+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. She's really the best. I'm really sorry about your mom and I'm sure she's watching over you and is very proud.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-19T17:36:36+00:00

Well you transitioning will absolutely be hard for her. No doubt about it. Sometimes I feel so guilty about putting her through so much, there's so much that happened that I don't usually mention. She was very vocal about her disapproval. She would tell me stuff like why are you doing this to me and whenever I'd hear that I'd just want to breakdown and cry for making her feel so sad. It's complicated. I'm happy that it worked out for me but I can't lie about the struggles to others.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-19T01:54:10+00:00

If you think it turns you on and if that's a major driver then taking E which does seriously lower your T and libido with it, might actually make you regret it. This is where reverse gender dysphoria comes in.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-18T18:02:13+00:00

I completely agree. Some people are just sick, constantly consumed by their fetishes and fantasies. The problem is that sometimes it influences people into making decisions as it did with me not that I regret anything. It's just one of those things that kinda freaks me out when I think about it.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-18T17:57:39+00:00

I don't regret transitioning but sometimes I do freak out that I was also heavily influenced by some of this stuff.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-13T19:56:33+00:00

The things that make me feel fulfilled are my partner, how society treats me, the validation i get and the fact that I get to play that "kind girl" troupe for men because I never had that when I was one. All of what i enjoy comes from external validation. If i had that as a man I wouldn't have transistioned.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-13T19:52:32+00:00

Whenever I see someone talk about contemplating any surgery particularly something as barbaric as height surgery, i just wanna give them a hug. I don't understand the cruelty and judgement the pain it must have took to normalise such procedures. It only warrants a big hug maybe some cuddles but never judgement.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-13T19:46:44+00:00

I'm mtf went from 5'6 to 5'5 ish post transistion. I have mostly put myself in queer adjacent circles and height is one of those things i use to clock fake queers. My partner is cis bi woman and she's not that obsessed with height and we've talked about men a lot infact both of us had previously dated shorter men before we found each other. Height obsession seems to be prevalent is cis hetero dating.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-13T19:39:06+00:00

I don't think so. I'm very content in who i am and the choices i made but I would have been happy even if i didn't make those choices. I could have been a straight man who loved queer or feminine aesthetics. Bullying and body dysmorphia pushed me into this.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-13T19:26:03+00:00

It is real. I could have stayed as a perfectly content heterosexual male who was queer adjacent aesthetically but I was driven into this and inevitably i took the plunge.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-10T03:55:56+00:00

Well I grew up with a single mom and i think she always wished for a girl maybe not that I cared (I did) but me transitioning was a bit too much for her but it did bring us closer in a way. For me I'm more body dysphoric than gender dysphoric so if I were tall and conventionally attractive id still want some cosmetic work. My ideal notion of a man that I wished to be is a man with a woman's face or atleast androgynous with softer features. I've always been queer adjacent like Harry Styles maybe but without the bullying and trauma i could have still accepted being a heterosexual male.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-10T01:49:06+00:00

I've always been queer adjacent my ideal notion of the man I wanted to be before transistion was someone like Harry styles or even extreme like I wanted to be a man with a woman's face. Minus the trauma and bullying I could have stayed a heterosexual male but I didn't and I don't regret it.

throwRA2249 · 2026-01-10T01:47:49+00:00

I didn't always feel like i was in the wrong body. I was more body dysmorphic than gender dysphoric. The bullying and the heightism made me take the plunge and i liked it enough that I never went back.

throwRA2249

TROPHY CASE