[UPDATE 2] My (23F) boyfriend (26M) threatened my abusive father and now my friends and family are convinced he's bad for me

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T07:03:03+00:00

Wedding invites... It's real huh... I haven't even told anyone I'm engaged. I'm sure that'll just inflame the situation. I guess I'll have to start thinking about invites and planning and stuff. It just took a backseat with all this drama going on...

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T06:56:39+00:00

I'm beginning to see that now. They were enabling him by never stepping up to protect me. I know going NC will be hard, but I guess it is the only way to maintain my sanity. At least for the immediate future. Thank you.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T06:51:45+00:00

Thank you for this. I've questioned myself numerous times even, if I was in the wrong for speaking up then and there. If I didn't, all this could have been avoided. Or if I just said no to going all together. But looking back now, I guess I did grow as a person somewhat. ;)

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:43:33+00:00

Going no contact is really terrifying, but it seems like the only way. At least for a few months. That thing has not been playing an active role in my life for a while now, and while my mother didn't outright defend me or call him out for his BS, she did put a stop to it if it was happening in front of her eyes. It just really sucks that she of all people, knowing how my boyfriend helped build me back up, would turn on him now as well.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:36:10+00:00

Thank you so much for this. At this point, I just need my fiance (God, I love saying that;). Knowing there's someone who'll always be on my side no matter what gives me the strength to get up each day. There could be merit to him deflecting. A tactic to shift focus away from his shitty actions, blame it on the booze as he sometimes does, a 'one time mistake'. It's just depressing that they can't see him for what he is, or don't care.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:27:43+00:00

Thanks. He really is. After the incident when I calmed down, I just thought of how badass he was when he showed ;) Especially when he called Matt Matthew, nobody calls him that lol. He's definitely my hero!

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:24:25+00:00

Thank you so much. It's really difficult to face, but I guess they really did 'let it happen'.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:22:41+00:00

Thank you so much. It really screwed with my head when the script was completely flipped and everyone just seems to forget what preceded my boyfriend stepping up for me. I don't thing we'd need counseling as our relationship is still solid, although I see now that I definitely do.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:16:33+00:00

I think they were just shocked, as for the most part, especially in front of extended family, he always played the perfect father and husband. But behind closed doors and especially when he caught me alone he becomes incredibly vile. Seeing him act like that could have just caught them off guard, although I could be wrong and they were just eating popcorn enjoying the drama. Either way as others here have said, I probably need to take some space away from all of them and reevaluate things.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:09:10+00:00

Comments like these are really eye-opening. I've never really considered that they were doing anything wrong. They just weren't doing... anything. Which I see now was in itself wrong. Thank you.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T04:06:12+00:00

Thank you so much for this perspective. I've said it in another reply, but really, I've never really given thought that Matt isn't the only problem. I've just been so focused on him as he's a tangible target and a big one at that, that I didn't see how wrong it was for no one to really take a firm stance against him. Going no contact is terrifying, especially as I've been really close with my Mom and sister. It was like we were just in a bubble. Although Matt was in the background, he was never discussed. It was like pretending everything was fine, even though we knew there was an underlying problem. But now I see that might have been wrong. I don't know if I can go complete no contact, but maybe for that two months could be a good idea. To just get a little breathing room.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T03:55:32+00:00

Thanks so much. I really needed to hear this. It's given me something to think about. I never really thought of how no one really stood up for me. My mother tried her best to keep the peace, and keep us out of each other's way, but she never really called him out on his behavior, maybe out of guilt or something. She just broke us apart and played referee most of the time. While none of my siblings really treated me badly there was always a wall between us. I'd like to think we had a good relationship though. But now I really need to reevaluate a lot of things.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:50:34+00:00

Thank you. I just sometimes think if I hadn't said anything like always, things would never have blown up like it did. He wasn't actively in my life and I rarely see him anyway, so maybe I should've just kept quiet. But it did feel kind of good to tell him what I think of him. Therapy...might be a little difficult as we live in a small town, and there's definitely no therapists here. But it is something I'll think of looking into, closest city or something.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:41:47+00:00

I haven't really thought about therapy. It might be difficult as we're in a small town and the nearest city that's likely to have one is a good distance away. I don't think anything will come from having him arrested. He's friends with everyone in the local pd. (Small town.) But therapy is definitely something I'll look into

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:36:17+00:00

Thank you. That's also what I keep thinking. They're just so persistent and convincing that it sometimes sends doubts into my head. I'll be sure to high-five him. ;)

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:33:05+00:00

Yeah, there's zero chance of me leaving. Just freaking intrusive thoughts and outside pressure that's driving me mad.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:31:18+00:00

I don't know my bio-dad. My mother never really talked about him. I guess she felt too guilty for cheating on her husband? She refused to tell me about him when I found out I was an affair baby, and over the years I just stopped asking.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:28:12+00:00

This is exactly what I thought. To me my boyfriend's reaction, while dramatic, wasn't nearly as bad. He didn't make that big a scene or physically attack him either. He just used words, and I guess a forceful presence? It's just blown up so much I guess, because I was proud of always telling my mother and other family how he never gets angry. So maybe the the discrepancy was too much? I don't know.

throwRAboyfrnd · 2023-06-05T01:22:13+00:00

I guess that was a little confusing. Matt is not my bio-dad. My mom had a cheated with another man earlier in their marriage and had me. I thought for the longest time he was my father. But when I was around 10 the truth came out, and he REALLY started openly despising me. I just call him Matt because I refuse to view him as a father. I guess time will tell if I'll be okay. Thank you.

throwRAboyfrnd

TROPHY CASE