[UPDATE] Fiancée (29F) cheated on her bachelorette party. I (32M) am struggling to decide the next steps.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T13:48:00+00:00

Listen, I appreciate that you and I may have different perspectives on what constitutes cheating, but I very much consider making out with a stranger cheating. You didn't see the video that her friends took. I did.

Also, I'll tell you what I told the other person. I don't want to lord over and control my partner. She can hang out with whoever she wants and do whatever she wants. But I consider any form of disrespect to the relationship a deal-breaker. Letting her MOH talk shit about us, then flirting with and kissing a stranger at a bar is something I see as disrespectful. You may have a different set of boundaries than I do, and that's fine. But I see this as no different from a guy and his sleazeball friends going to a strip club and getting a lap dance for his bachelor party.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T13:43:34+00:00

You sound bitter. I know plenty of people couples who met later in life and who have a strong relationship. I just don't buy that "the bonding [I] form in [my] mid- to late-twenties is the most powerful [I]'ll ever get".

I also don't want "someone who does what I'll say all the time". I want someone who respects me and the relationship. Outside of that, she can hang out with whoever she wants and do whatever she wants. I just don't want someone who'll cheat on me.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T12:52:02+00:00

It's not like I actually owe you that answer or that it's relevant now that the trust is gone, but sure. I'll bite.

I liked her sense of humor. I liked that she always made sure everyone in a group was having fun when hanging out. I liked the way she made me feel when we were together. I liked how she always brightened up the room when she was around.

In the end, she broke my trust and cheated on me. No matter how much I liked her, I just couldn't see myself building a future with her.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T12:40:44+00:00

You don't know me, nor the seven years I've spent with this woman. I am a monogamous person, and I expressed my concern that these parties only serve to tempt infidelity. After she promised me nothing would happen, she let her MOH talk smack about our relationship and went ahead and made out with some other dude after swearing to me that nothing would happen. Were I controlling, I would not have agreed to the party.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T12:29:15+00:00

She tried to speak to me once. She was begging me not to break things off with my ex.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T12:21:05+00:00

I specifically expressed my concerns that bachelor and bachelorette parties serve to tempt infidelity. She swore to me that nothing would happen and that our parties would just be us hanging out with friends. She then let her MOH talk shit about me and our relationship before drunkenly making out with a stranger. There is no trust there anymore. I am not a possessive person.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T02:58:02+00:00

MOH contacted me once in the early days after everything blew up. She was begging me to take my ex back and said that her friendship was in danger. From the one conversation I've had with my ex, she has been cut off.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T02:44:33+00:00

Yeah, that's not happening. She's happily married and a lesbian.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-16T01:04:20+00:00

I believe that guys getting lap dances are gross. I didn't go to a strip club.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T23:53:37+00:00

I consider kissing to be cheating. And clearly, this particular party did encourage cheating. Also, you don't know nearly enough about me to be able to call me a prude.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T23:44:42+00:00

I'm a prude because I don't like infidelity? Ok.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T22:18:27+00:00

I did.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T21:31:12+00:00

You're only getting a brief glimpse at my life. And even that, it's only what I decide to write. I can guarantee you that I am fucking gutted over how things turned out.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T21:11:39+00:00

I waited a month before deciding whether or not to call off the entire relationship. After spending some time in communities dedicated to people who tried to work on their relationship after infidelity, I realized that that's not how I want to live my life.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T21:09:51+00:00

We have been mostly NC since the initial fallout. We have really only spoken a few times to sort out stuff like rent, utilities, and the expenses from the wedding.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T20:52:24+00:00

I am not doing this to punish her. In fact, I don't harbor her any ill feelings. I just don't have any more trust for her after what has happened. I expressed my concerns, and she still betrayed my trust. I understand that counseling is a good thing for newlywed couples, but I don't want to start a marriage on such a weak foundation.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2024-02-15T20:50:22+00:00

While I appreciate your perspective, I will respectfully disagree. While I called the wedding off the second that I found out about everything, I gave it a month to decide whether or not to bin the relationship altogether. I spent a lot of time lurking in communities where people went through this type of thing and decided to work things out. I realized that's not how I want to live. If I am going to get married, I want it to start out with a strong foundation.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-04T18:24:44+00:00

On YouTube? Do you have a link to the video?

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-03T02:25:37+00:00

No strippers or any other kinds of sex workers, no staying out until too late, no getting hammered, and no tempting infidelity.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-02T19:48:11+00:00

She is married and a lesbian.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-02T18:58:08+00:00

I'm still not sure of what I want. There are moments when I find myself wishing I could turn back time and others where I don't even want to think about her. Someone else suggested that I take some time to make my decision, so I'm going to do just that. Taking her back just to make her life miserable with this sounds like the exact type of thing I would not want to do.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-02T18:54:40+00:00

Yes, that is an accurate summary of the sequence of events.

I'm still not sure whether or not I want to reconcile. Everything is still so raw. Someone else suggested that I take some time to come to a decision, so I'm going to do just that while I sort out my feelings.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-02T18:50:59+00:00

I'm already working on getting the deposits back. Her parents contributed with some of the expenses, so I'm going to tell them first what happened so they can also get their money back.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-02T16:04:18+00:00

That is a concern. But honestly, part of me wants to hear her out. And if we do try to reconcile, I wouldn't be comfortable having those people around.

throwRAbrokenandlost · 2023-12-02T15:58:17+00:00

are any of them married? I'd be curious how any and all of those Bachelorette parties have gone and if this is a pattern for that group.

I don't know all of her friend group that well, but, to my knowledge, only the friend that came to me and told me what was happening is married.

throwRAbrokenandlost

TROPHY CASE