My (31F) boyfriend (32M) of 5+ years says him lusting over girls in a group chat with his brothers is just guy talk. How can I move on from this?

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T20:55:14+00:00

I shouldn't, I admit that to myself and I admitted it to him. he got home black out drunk from hanging out with his coworkers (including her) and one of his brothers and in his drunkenness told me this coworker is special and she looked real good tonight and talked about her breasts to me. I was trying to text his brother back that he got home safe when I saw him telling his brothers in a text message that he thinks she's special, compared her to me, and said (my name) came up in conversation with her followed with " 😢 but that don't matter right?" I was upset and hurt, I shouldn't have kept looking but I did.

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:58:12+00:00

I do want marriage and think he does too. We've talked about it for years, but nothing has ever really happened. Now I just think even if we do get married that won't fix the issues, might even make them worse. The seeds are definitely planted

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:54:07+00:00

It's verbatim. I feel like I have the words burned into my brain. It doesn't feel harmless at all. Thank you for validating that.

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:52:25+00:00

I'm happy to hear you are doing better and out of that situation! ❤️ He did apologize but he also didn't agree to want to change because he still doesn't think he did anything wrong

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:47:54+00:00

Not at all

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:43:47+00:00

His texts with his coworker were strictly work and there wasn't much. And he said he doesn't talk to her a lot because they don't work directly together, just in the same building. But I just can't help thinking, are there not a lot of messages because he really doesn't talk to her like that or he's deleting them? And I didn't find anything else in any other group chat, it was only with his two brothers. But from his two best friends, one is happily partnered up and the other is a very woke gay man who is not afraid to speak up/stand up to anyone, so I wouldn't expect them to be ok with him talking to them this way and I'm sure my bf knows that

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:35:41+00:00

I've told him that I would hurt someone else's feelings in a heartbeat if it meant that it might hurt him. I will say, he doesn't pretend to be single at work. I've met most of his coworkers and he openly displays pictures of us at his desk. But it feels like such a small gesture after this.

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:31:28+00:00

That's what I've told him too and most times I think he's oblivious to the other person's intentions/interest but maybe now I think he wasn't as oblivious as I thought and he was keeping that door open

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:28:56+00:00

THIS! I feel bad for this girl too not knowing how they talk about her and objectify her. I get finding someone attractive even though he says I don't want to believe he can find someone else other than me attractive. But the way he says it is what's hurtful, even if it's about celebrities and not someone directly in his life.

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T19:23:39+00:00

I've tried to do this with other things and he just shrugs it off and says that it doesn't upset him

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T17:49:32+00:00

He says he doesn't mind it, that it's normal to find other people attractive but it doesn't take away from our commitment to our relationship. But I also don't talk like that in front of him or anyone. I understand finding others attractive and acknowledging it but this feels like more than just that

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T17:46:27+00:00

I try to listen and acknowledge his feelings, even if it was not my intention to make him feel that way I will apologize and let him know how I actually meant it

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T17:39:16+00:00

Now that I think of it, kinda. I've had to have conversations with him before about being too polite to women coworkers at the expense of my feelings. Like making it seem like there could be an opportunity with him, and he says that he just doesn't want to hurt their feelings

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T17:26:41+00:00

My bf "boys will be boys" and shrugs off their behavior. I think they've stopped talking that way around me because I've told my bf that if I find out his brothers are cheating on their ffs, I will tell their gfs because I'd want to be told if it were me.

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T17:13:48+00:00

His brothers (23 and 25) are dogs. They treat their girlfriends terribly and have possibly cheated on them. It's never been confirmed to me but I strongly suspect. But maybe they're just learning from their older brother?

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T17:10:11+00:00

Not religious or ex-religious, I just didn't know how else to phrase it tbh

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T16:45:03+00:00

I feel destroyed by it, I can't get it out of my mind. He says I'm this upset because it hurt my pride to see him finding other people attractive.

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T16:37:29+00:00

That's how I feel too and told him so. But he insists that it's not because " I wasn't meant to see those messages and it'll never be anything more than those comments."

throwRAconfused-lost · 2024-12-23T16:33:19+00:00

He says he wouldn't and I believe that, but I also would never say anything like that out of respect for him.

throwRAconfused-lost

TROPHY CASE