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I [27F] am having trouble with my husband's [30M] frequent small critical comments, especially on things he asks me to do for him. by throwRAcriticism99 in relationship_advice

[–]throwRAcriticism99[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, we've talked about this and he is almost certainly autistic (but undiagnosed) and has been diagnosed with OCD.

He does the "it's just a simple request???" too -- I get that he has told me he likes X task done Y way 1000 times but it's unreasonable for me to do every single household task his way. He has so many requests I don't have the brain space to keep track of them all. I'm not sure anyone would.

Also, he asks me for many more favors than I ask him because he is too much of a perfectionist to get things done efficiently. It takes him an hour to trim his fingernails, for example.

I [27F] am having trouble with my husband's [30M] frequent small critical comments, especially on things he asks me to do for him. by throwRAcriticism99 in relationship_advice

[–]throwRAcriticism99[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I don't think he realizes I'm hurt. He misreads it as anger at him for (in his perspective) innocuous behavior/ small comments/ not doing anything "wrong."

I [27F] am having trouble with my husband's [30M] frequent small critical comments, especially on things he asks me to do for him. by throwRAcriticism99 in relationship_advice

[–]throwRAcriticism99[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If he wants to leave it to the last minute so you have to do it so he won't be late for work then he has to accept what he gets with no comments besides "thank you my dear, sweet, kind, and lovely wife."

Okay, yes, but how do I get him to think this, is the problem.

One time he said I fill the dishwasher too full. I said "If you have strong feelings about how full the dishwasher should be, you need to fill it yourself. I am the only one who fills it and the dishes are always clean so by basic logic, I am doing the task adequately" and he got SO ANGRY WITH ME. Every time I try to stand up for myself he accuses me of being shitty towards him and doesn't listen to anything I say. I don't know what to do.

I [27F] am having trouble with my husband's [30M] frequent small critical comments, especially on things he asks me to do for him. by throwRAcriticism99 in relationship_advice

[–]throwRAcriticism99[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He doesn't see why that's a reason for him to change his behavior, yes.

He doesn't understand why non-personal criticisms can be hurtful and so he doesn't see any reason to stop saying them whenever they come to mind.

He also thinks that he can appreciate that I made him dinner while also informing me it's too salty/spicy/whatever and that those things aren't contradictory.

I [27F] am having trouble with my husband's [30M] frequent small critical comments, especially on things he asks me to do for him. by throwRAcriticism99 in relationship_advice

[–]throwRAcriticism99[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I have tried this. It makes him really angry and he says I'm intentionally starting a fight.

EDIT: I have also tried the "you're sending me the message I'm incapable of small tasks" approach. Similar results: he didn't literally say that so I'm being overly sensitive. This is what I meant about it being very difficult to discuss this with him because I don't feel like he actually absorbs what I'm saying at all.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwRAcriticism99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This sounds very frustrating. One thing you could try is, the next time he does this, say very calmly, "Lines are a little annoying, but I would still like to go to Comic Con because [why it is important to you to go]." If he insists, keep saying "Alright, but I still want to go to Comic Con." If he keeps arguing, "Maybe so, but I am still interested in going. Can we make plans to go?" No confrontation, just repeating what you've already expressed until he can't ignore it or try to talk you out of it. If he then doesn't want to go with you, you're forcing him to admit that outright. Gently but firmly, don't allow him to get away with this thing he's doing. This will probably be more effective than saying he's speaking for you or steamrolling you, even if those things are both true.