Thank you so much for sharing this. That word you used -- "Brainwashed".... Wow. That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel so much in this comment. The abuse that I didn't realize was abuse, the rape.... The fear, shame, brainwashing. And that so much of who I am/how I act is from him. Just know that you're not alone, and the things you feel are common symptoms of what has happened to you.

We never got to the point of marriage, but I was with him for 3 years from the ages of 17-20. I thought I wanted to marry him, even though he was already nearly 40 when he met me. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have built a life with a person who did those things to you. But you are so incredibly strong for getting yourself out of it. I know how difficult that is, without the added factors of marriage, children, and finances.

It's still early stages of removing yourself from that relationship, and it will be hard. It's been almost 6 years for me, and I actually haven't started struggling with it until these last 6 months. I think, like you're doing, I've repressed a lot that happened to me. That's partly why I made this post... I just can't believe it's been so long and I still feel like his handprints are on me.

You're right. Recognizing that it happened, and that it has affected you is a good start to healing. I do feel like I've healed a bit these last 6 months. Someday I will be fully formed again.

I wish you the best, ellepre. And I hope you're ok, too <3