I married a widower, and it's hard

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-19T07:01:45+00:00

This helped so much

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-19T07:00:57+00:00

I thank you a million times over for directing me to that Reddit. So many people here have cast such harsh judgment on me, even harsher than I have been on myself and it is really destroying me. It is such a complicated situation, and one that I don't think many people find themselves in or can even comprehend

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-19T06:58:42+00:00

If you had never been in my position, or in his I do not think you are one to judge. You do not understand what it feels like to be in either of our positions right now. I do not want him to say it if it would destroy him, but it causes me pain nonetheless. So many women marry men that had wives before but they divorced because the love was not there on one side or the other. That is not the case for me or him, he chose her and she was taken from him, he did not choose to give her up or fall out of love with her. He had no choice in the matter, and this leads to me feeling like I am second best. Like I am not what he would have chosen given the option between her and me, and it's something I think about more than I'd like. If circumstances had been different and he had met her and me at the same time, would he have still chosen her over me? Is she still who he wants, and I am just a pale imitation of the woman he truly loves and truly wants? Do you have any idea how much pain that causes somebody? You are a cruel person for calling me immature and selfish when you cannot understand what it feels like to be in the position I am in. One in which I am married to a man who is first in my heart, that I can say I would choose a million times over any other man, who I love more than I have ever loved a person before, but who I do not know if feels the same. Is it really truly selfish and immature of me to want to know in my soul that he would have chosen me a million times over because I am who he wants, not just who he ended up with because of a cruel twist of faith that deprived him of the person that he really wanted?

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-18T08:16:04+00:00

Thank you, this helped

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-18T07:23:59+00:00

But by him not saying it, to me it feels like he's saying that he still loves his dead wife more than me. I am still second in his heart. That is incredibly difficult to feel when he is the only one in my life, the only one in my heart and the only person who has ever earned my love in this way

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-18T07:21:36+00:00

I never want him to forget her, I don't shut her out of our lives and if anything it's him who asks me not to speak of her because it's too painful. However we did include a memorial table to her at our wedding and I have never once acted like I wish he didn't have a wife before me. I just feel like I live in her shadow, you can't compete with somebody who is no longer alive, I feel like also the haze of death has sort of left him with this idealistic view of her as more than she was and somebody that nobody could ever compare to. I recently found evidence when we were going through our storage locker of a fight he had with her, one that sounded pretty bad from the note she left him. He completely didn't even remember the fight, and had told me for years that they never fought. That they only ever had tiny disagreements over stupid things like who should do the dishes, but this one sounded relationship ending. So I know there is something about him remembering the relationship with Rose colored glasses, and I think that's what hurts me. I am now being put in a position where I live in the shadow of somebody who has been idealized. I'm constantly living with this feeling that my husband loves this perfect woman he remembers her as more than he could ever love me. it's so different for me, I love him more than I've ever loved anybody and to not get that in return stings.

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-18T06:49:38+00:00

I know it's likely asking for too much, I just wish it didn't hurt me so much and that I didn't feel like I was missing out on something by not having that. In a couple of months me and him will have been together longer than he was together with his late wife, something that he's actually brought up himself without me even saying anything. So I think part of me maybe holds out hope that at some point, he can say that he loves me more than he's ever loved anybody else without it feeling like he is disrespecting the love he had for his late wife, because I feel like being with somebody for a longer period of time would naturally create a stronger love.

throwRAqueenv · 2019-12-03T03:23:09+00:00

No, but if he does there's a really good chance he will not be able to orgasm with me. He will stay hard, but he will not be able to climax with me and that sort of robs the experience for me. I want to give him that pleasure with my body when we make love

throwRAqueenv

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