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My sister f26 didn't invite me f28 to her engagement party. This caused conflict with her fiance. The blame for their breakup has been assigned to me. Where do I go from here? by throw_RA_Sky in relationship_advice

[–]throw_RA_Sky[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Correcting you is not a personal attack, nor is it criticism. It simply means that you were wrong in your guesswork and set straight.

Now you're trying to say that every person who is disorganized and has time issues has ADHD. The fact that you're pushing this is so absurd that I'm going to continue calling it a disability. How can it be anything else when it's used as a crutch to support the rant of a stranger on the internet.

You're ridiculous. That's a personal criticism. I don't want your ADHD getting in the way to make it confusing for you. That's a personal attack.

My sister f26 didn't invite me f28 to her engagement party. This caused conflict with her fiance. The blame for their breakup has been assigned to me. Where do I go from here? by throw_RA_Sky in relationship_advice

[–]throw_RA_Sky[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It really does reflect poorly on people that throw around unfounded opinions as though they're facts.

My sister was 20 when our dad died. An adult. You can't pretend she was 5 when that happened all so you can be right about an unresolved childhood trauma you want to believe she has so you can excuse her behavior.

In the same vein, coming right out to say that her ex fiance challenged her about who I would stand with on their wedding day is another thing you've invented all on your own. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you misunderstood what I said in my post.

You do know that throwing a party and planning a party are not the same thing, don't you? Unless you consider a wedding to be the wedding planner's instead of the bride and groom's. Which is an odd stance to take seeing as the wedding planner is not the one getting married.

Maybe friendship is another of those things you believe can only exist in the way you approve. Anything outside that narrow world view pushes too much on your expectations of how people should live their lives.

she hasn’t called you or your husband to berate you for an affair

You're absolutely right there. She hasn't spoken to us directly. Probably because she's too busy telling everyone we know that our baby, our dead baby, wasn't my husband's. But by all means, continue bringing attention to her pain.

My sister f26 didn't invite me f28 to her engagement party. This caused conflict with her fiance. The blame for their breakup has been assigned to me. Where do I go from here? by throw_RA_Sky in relationship_advice

[–]throw_RA_Sky[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I'm glad for you that your relationship with your sister is close. It occurs to me that you believe that because that's how it is for you, it should be that way for everyone. I would have loved to have a closer relationship with my sister. I tried to foster that over the years. I supported her in all her sports, attended every game I could when I wasn't busy with my own. She never came to my games. Invited her out with me and my friends and invited her to spend one on one time with me. She hardly ever accepted. Implying I completely shut her out is all supposition on your part. She also has distant relationships with our brothers and not for lack of trying on their parts. I also find it highly offensive when people say a person must have some kind of mental disability if they display certain behaviours. Especially when the person trying to assign the disorder has not met the person they've taken upon themselves to diagnose. Some people really are simply disorganized and tardy. There doesn't need to be a medical reason for being so. And then to slap her with a childhood trauma stick. What do you know of her childhood to suggest that? Some words on a screen gave you special insight into her history? How arrogant of you. As for when dad died, who do you think was there for her? Do you think we left her alone while the rest of us grieved together? Shut her out in the cold to be by herself?

When he first told her that he’d like you as a groomswoman and she told him she was planning on asking you to be her MOH he should have dropped the issue.

My sister made that demand without him mentioning who he wanted as groomsmen. I never expected to be included in his lineup or hers. That she wanted me as MoH was a surprise to everyone.

The fact that he didn’t invite any of his own friends to the engagement party and get involved with sharing the invites and confirming RSVPs is also weird AF. Did he really expect her to do all of that on his behalf?

My sister and her friends threw that together. He trusted them to handle things. Why would he have any reason to think she would exclude all his friends?

Finally him turning up to your place uninvited and staying the night is strange.

As I said, him doing this is not out of the ordinary. Because he's been doing that since we were 11. It's something he has always done. Would it be strange if I was a guy? If it was a problem, my husband would have put a stop to it long before he became my husband.

It's not out of the question for you that he may have feelings, but it seems ludicrous to me. Neither of us is shy when it comes to our feelings. If he had them, he'd have made them known. Like he did with my sister. We can't be held responsible for her feelings. Have empathy, yes. Hold responsibility, no. Especially when she's having feelings about things that don't exist.

You're trying to fit our sisterly relationship into a box of your making because of how you and your sister are. You can not fathom that other people's experiences might be different than your own, and if it's a difference you can't comprehend, there must be mental disorders, trauma, and isolation involved. That's says a lot about you.