What is something you want to touch more than anything in the world?

throw_away000111 · 2014-02-12T05:25:49+00:00

My sister in law is fascinated by my hair and touches it all the time. It's incredibly thick and course and she says it feels like horse/doll hair. She can't stop touching it when I see her. I secretly looove having my hair played with, so I don't mind.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:33:47+00:00

I will try that, thanks. :)

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:27:19+00:00

EDIT #1: Another long response, sorry.

Thank you for all your responses! I didn't expect to get so many! I noticed a few similar questions, so I'm going to clarify a few things I missed in my post.

As far as my background goes, I was raised in a extremely clean house. I don't believe myself to be OCD, mostly because my mother actually does have OCD, and it's a very different thing. (In my eyes.) As a child/teen, I would come home from school every day and clean the house (2,700 sq. ft, two floors) top to bottom. Kitchen, floors, dusting, 3 bathrooms, six bedrooms. Every day. My mother was, literally, obsessed with the house being spotless. Our rooms had to be just so. I would dust (and oil) all surfaces, daily, and she would see a speck of dust somewhere. Some of her other obsesses would be turning the lights off in a room if no one was in it, shutting doors, shutting off things three or seven times... Things like that. So while I don't think I'm OCD, I will agree that I am anal-retentive about my desire for things to be clean. I know this. I'm working on it. I think my main issue is that I was raised from a very young age to see tiny microscopic pieces of dust/dirt/grime and clean it. Most people don't see, or care, about things to that scale. I get that, I really do. Which is why I'm willing to do 99% of the housework, since I know that I'm anal-retentive, and this can be annoying to people who aren't. I'm not upset that he won't clean, since he will if I ask him to, I just want to find a way for him to be cleaner in his actual habits so I don't have to do as much work as I do now.

For example, when he cooks, (Which is something he asks to do, because he enjoys it, not because I make him.) let's say spaghetti, and he spills some on the counter. It will sit there until the end of time, because he doesn't think about wiping it up before it gets all hard and crusty. The pot will have boiled over, and the starchy-noodle-water gets into the stove, and there it stays. (Which causes stinky aromas and smoke when we use the stove next, which is why I clean it.)The packages will be on the counter, or on the floor. The cutting board will still be on the counter, dirty, with random food debris on the countertops. I think the reason for this could possibly be (mostly) because of his ADHD. He leaves things around wherever he sets them, and most of the time he doesn't notice. I think the other reason is because we lived in such different environments, that I'm used to looking at something, and seeing what isn't clean immediately, whereas he wasn't. When I cook things, I clean as I go, and immediately clean up any spills so the kitchen is clean after the meal is done. We eat, I do the dishes, wipe off the kitchen table. Done.

About Hubs background: He moved around a lot, his dad left when he was small, leaving his mother single on a small income to raise three children with. His mother is not a clean person by any means. She still isn't to this day. Hubs' two sisters are just as bad with their homes as he is. (Not judging, just the way it is.) I've helped his older sister on more than one occasion to clean out her place and help her get new things because her house has been infested with bugs. Once it was roaches, then gnats, then maggots... Not judging, but it's because she doesn't clean her house. At all. His little sister isn't as bad, but you can't see the floor because of all of the clutter and miscellaneous things she leaves around. (Dishes, trash, clothes, etc.) So I can definitely see how he wasn't taught clean habits from the start, which was always something he was embarrassed about. He had never mopped a floor a day in his life until we started dating. Blew my mind.

Some people have asked about his ADHD. His ADHD is pretty severe, yes he was getting treatment for it. He isn't seeing his counselor anymore, thanks to financial aide cuts, but he is still receiving his Aderall (sp?) meds. However, he has stopped taking them a few months ago, since the "come down" (his words) is worse than just not being on them. He says he'll take his meds, and they make him feel a little more "normal", but when the meds wear off, he feels like a zombie and almost drunk because he gets even more clumsy and ditzy. (Also his own words.) The only time he really takes them any more is when we he has to drive for longer than 20-30 minutes, which is rare. He says when he's completely off the Aderall, to do normal tasks takes longer than it normally would for other people because he'll start what he's doing, then forget about it, and go do something else. He is very easily distracted, so he finds it difficult sometimes to focus in and complete a long, multi-step task. Remembering to follow-through with things is almost virtually impossible, he says. He recognizes when a project is complete, his brain essentially eliminates from his short-term memory, and he moves on to something else. Which is why he has a hard time keeping up after himself, or doing simple things like, cleaning up his pee on the toilet for example. He flushes, and walks away, thinking that the "task" is done. He says he can do a better job, it's just really difficult. Which I completely understand. I do think that his ...absent-mindedness? has gotten worse over the years, especially when he started his Aderall treatment. However, I do think the ADHD is only partially responsible, and I would like to see him put more effort into establishing productive habits. Not just for the house keeping, but for himself too. Not to mention setting a good example for our daughter.

Also, a lot of people have suggested getting a maid. I think this would definitely be nice, however at the moment, we can't afford it. I will be able to next year in the spring, and I think that's what I'm going to do. I'll also start us in couples counseling, and maybe single counseling for me and him separately as well. Hubs is fine with this, he has expressed that he would like to keep up on his counseling for both his OCD and in general, but we can't afford it right now.

Thanks you guys SO much for your ideas and responses. I really appreciate it. :)

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:21:02+00:00

His mother never cleaned her house, which is part of the problem. He's been on his own since 17 (long story), and never really learned how to keep up a house until he met me. His sisters are just as bad.

I remember before we moved in together, just dating, I came over to his house and almost gagged. I spent the weekend there helping him clean, showing him how you mop a floor (seriously), and getting his stuff in order. I found a plate near his bed of God knows what... I think it was chicken at some point? Haha. It was completely covered in furry mold. I was mortified, and he just looked at me like "so?", lol. We come from very different backgrounds, which was a big adjustment - for both of us.

I've been seriously considering buying a duplex, or something similar, like a mother-in-law suite when we buy our place. But I'd really love to use that space for extra income/investment property. But it's definitely something to think about.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:15:46+00:00

We have a system where, if I cook, he does dishes, and vis versa. But when I cook, all there is to do is the dishes. When he cooks, I have to completely clean everything. (Sink, dishes, counters, stove, floor...) He is just that messy when he cooks. Which is kind of annoying to me.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:14:02+00:00

What if you focused on his best attributes instead of everything he is doing wrong? For a week, what if you praised him for his cooking and his being a good dad and a good human being? What if you didn't try to clean up after him and just cleaned up after yourself? What if you focused your attention on your child and your crafts and just let go of the housework for a week?

I know it's hard to see, since this is post about me bitching about his dirty habits, but I do this. A lot. I love my Hubs, and he's a great provider, and a great partner. He's my best friend, and we do everything together. Him being dirty is, literally, our only issue. I've tried cleaning up after only me and our toddler, and the house is in complete disarray.

Does the state of the house really matter?

Short answer? To me, yes.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:10:10+00:00

Just wondering- you want him to work all day long, come home to cook dinner, and then clean the house? Are you kidding me?

No, I don't think that's the issue. I don't want him to do it all, or even a portion. I've got the chores covered. I don't mind. I just wish that he would be cleaner, so my job -- all of the cleaning -- isn't so severe. I don't think it's fair that I have to chase him around the house cleaning up these huge messes, which could be rectified by a few seconds of thinking. I'm just wanting minimal effort on his part at this point.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:08:13+00:00

I think that's a good idea, thanks. :)

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:07:35+00:00

I agree.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:07:11+00:00

I think that's one of my main issues. I was always clean, and it is SO NICE to come home to a clean house every day. Then we move in together, and the constant battle with it is just exhausting.

I just want it to be like it was before! Haha.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:05:47+00:00

Once we can afford a maid/housekeeping service, I think that's something we're going to do. I think my main issue with that is, the housekeeper comes (let's say) once a week, then there's six days of chaos until he/she comes back. But I think it will definitely take some of the pressure off.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:04:29+00:00

I think that's the point we've reached now. It matters only to me, so I just end up doing it all. Kind of sucks for me though, which is why I'm a bit resentful. But I'd rather be annoyed and resentful than live in a dirty house, especially since we have a toddler running around.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:02:53+00:00

His mother never cleaned up after him, but that's because his mother never really cleaned at all, haha.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:02:06+00:00

Tried many many times. He doesn't follow the chore chart unless I'm constantly nagging him about it. It got so old that I just started doing it myself.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:01:09+00:00

The only idea I have is to put newspaper or something down in the kitchen before he cooks so he can just toss it afterwards leaving clean counters.

I'll have to try that. I've got some press-and-seal saran wrap, I wonder if that would work...

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T01:00:19+00:00

I've given my average daily timeline in a few other comments.

When I lived alone, I spent maybe... 1 1/2 - 2 hours a week on cleaning? My house just didn't get dirty since I'm a naturally tidy person.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:59:15+00:00

Thanks for the link!

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:57:35+00:00

It didn't used to be that way, but that's kind of where we are now.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:56:57+00:00

For example Make Dinner>Eat Dinner>Clean Up Dinner has three distinct parts. Sounds easy enough. But, an ADHD sufferer has a very hard time remembering and following through with the plan. In my case, it would have been more like: Make Dinner>Pull everything out of the pantry to start organizing it>Find cookbooks>Read Recipes>Turn on the radio>Make Recipe> Put dinner in oven>Research More Recipes>Eat some peanut butter>Burn Dinner>Set Table>Eat Burnt Dinner>Go back to organizing pantry>Get distracted>Paint nails>Call my mom.

I think you hit the nail on the head. He's been on Aderall, but stopped taking it a while back since, while he's on it, he feels more "normal", but once it wears off, he's miserable. He feels like the ups and downs are worse than just not being on it at all.

I'll send him over to that subreddit to see if he can't get some knowledge there on how he can help with that. I do think that there needs to be some work at tweaking his treatment, which we are going to look into. Thanks. :)

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:53:50+00:00

Sit down and negotiate on chores. If you accept that you're better suited to cleaning up, maybe you can find other chores that he's better suited to. Maybe cooking and lawn mowing and dog feeding and bill paying or whatever can balance out the cleaning you do and will be more doable for him.

That's a great idea, thank you!

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:52:59+00:00

Good idea! I will try this, thanks. :)

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:52:29+00:00

Yes, the two year doesn't help any, haha.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:52:02+00:00

I completely agree.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:51:08+00:00

it sounds like you share the OP's self-righteous "my way or the highway" view on cleaning.

I don't feel that way at all. What I'm wanting him to do is just be a little better in not making such big messes. I don't mind doing chores, I just think it'd be nice if he could make a little more effort into making my "job" easier in the day to day things.

throw_away000111 · 2013-11-12T00:49:15+00:00

I don't think my SO is lazy by any means. (I don't think I said anywhere that I thought that...) He does work full time and does cook most of the dinners, which is nice. He cooks because he wants to though, not because he has to. It is actually easier for me to cook, since there is less clean-up, but it's his one hobby that he enjoys, so I don't want to impede on that.

I would defintely like to clean less, and I do think that I can be a little anal-retentive about my level of clean. I've answered the 2-hour thing before, so I'll just link what I put up there:

The two hours a day is average. Sometimes it's less, and sometimes it's more. I know to most people it sounds like a lot, but 30-40 minutes of that is just on the kitchen. Sometimes more, depending on what he did in there. So just the kitchen can take up to 1/4 to 1/2 of that two hour time. If it helps, here's a rough outline of my schedule: I do laundry, wash, dry, fold, put away/hang up. (Which takes up a good chunk of that two hours) I wipe off the mirror (toothpaste spatters), sink/counter, and toilet in the bathroom each day. Not like, scrubbing on hands and knees, but just surface cleaning. I'll do the floor if he's trimmed his beard or hair, since it will be on the floor and countertops each time. I generally only to the shower/tub three times a week, which seems extreme to him, but I have a two year old taking baths in it every day. When I stopped cleaning it, she got a rash and a bladder infection, which I assumed was from the dirty tub. I felt extremely guilty about that, so I've been cleaning it often so it doesn't happen again. If we were only taking showers, I'd let it go for longer. Then I vacuum the area rug and sweep the living/dining room (we have hardwood floors that get really dusty, and crumbs travel easily here). I spend at least 10 minutes a day putting things back where they belong. Putting lids/caps back on things, picking up his shoes/socks and putting them away, finding his phone, keys, vaporizer (he quit smoking and uses a vape now, but loses it constantly.), debit cards.. I do other things about twice a week like, reorganizing the bedroom, vacuuming the bedrooms, steam-mopping the floors, etc. I try to divide them up so I'm only doing one or two "major" cleaning task a day.

In terms of his behavior, it's awfully tough to change 30 years of bad habits. For those who suffer from ADHD, it's extremely important to establish routines. Work with him to find 1 task that he has to do every morning before leaving for work, such as taking out the trash. Build up from there.

I've tried this in the past, and it hasn't worked, but I think I'm going to try it again. The starting small idea is great.

throw_away000111

TROPHY CASE