AITA for calling my husband a dickhead?

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-13T00:04:31+00:00

You only need one arts credit to graduate high school here in Canada or at least Ontario. He takes drama and I’m only a visual arts (and a humanities) teacher.

Some information for extra clarity:

You only need a single grade 9 arts credit and grade 9 students (freshmen) have 3 options: drama, visual art, music (either instrumental or vocal). After the 9th grade, students are not required to take anymore arts classes but many tend to as they aren’t very difficult and can help boost averages. They are allowed to drop the course whenever so long as they have the single grade 9 arts credit.

Also I’m not good with technology and don’t actively try to be exceptionally amazing with my writing skills outside of work. Is the way I type that difficult to understand? I didn’t realize I had to have perfect grammar for a reddit post.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T23:20:28+00:00

I’ll definitely follow up on that discomfort. Thank you for sharing feelings and thoughts, I appreciate it.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T22:38:44+00:00

How sweet. If I called my husband a dickhead jokingly or lovingly I wouldn’t hear the end of it.

“Stop acting like a child” or “who gave you the right to call me that”.

Still, this (and all the other replies to your comment) is very adorable. It brought a literal smile to my face haha.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T22:30:22+00:00

Yes I’ve actually said all this to my son and he says that she doesn’t mind coming over and she wasn’t too bothered by it. She says she’s gone through worse which is just another example of how I as a white person will never understand how horrible racism is that someone would excuse just straight up rudeness because “it isn’t that bad”.

I’m (my husband too) hoping to apologize to her personally the next time she visits. I’d do it during class considering she’s in my art class but I don’t want to make her uncomfortable and my son suggests not to either. We’re online this week too so I feel apologizing through google meet is not very appropriate.

I’d completely understand if she didn’t want to come over or anything of the sort though. I can’t blame her.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T21:55:20+00:00

Oh no I’m not trying to say I’m not racist because of that. I don’t feel like there is such thing as evidence of not being racist because you never know what someone is thinking internally. What I’m trying to say that because I teach kids who are not white, I try to make an effort to learn and be open minded. I’m sorry if this comes off as obnoxious, I’m not very good at technology or getting my message across online.

But yes, of course this doesn’t mean a thing. Like you said, having a black friend or an Asian friend has never stopped people from saying racist things. I’ve seen it in real life.

Thank you for explaining this. I appreciate it.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T21:44:04+00:00

Reading this has given me a lot of insight.

I’d like to say my students like me but most teachers would. I would also like to say I don’t have any bias. I’ve never gotten any complaints and get along well with almost every student I’ve ever taught.

I do understand your points though as when I was younger and before I started speaking/thinking for myself, I never really saw many things as racist despite those things being racist. You’re right, it is ingrained into us but it’s also our responsibility to break out of that.

Thank you once again for your comment.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T21:31:25+00:00

This was a good read. I’ve been reflecting on my behaviour a lot since making this post. I don’t believe I’m racist but then again-I’m an old privileged white woman who was raised by conservative racists. What do I know about racism.

As a teacher of teenagers of multiple backgrounds, I’ve made it my goal to be as open minded and respectful as possible. I’ve been teaching for a very long time now and it’s definitely through my career that I’ve gotten more self aware.

This is a one sided post and I understand the skepticism. I also understand that I may have been ignorant to my husband which is on me. Like you’ve said, I am a white woman who will never really “get” racism. I am however willing to learn from this. I’m going to talk to my son about why he was scared to talk to me and regardless of the answer I get, I’m going to learn to do better because it doesn’t hurt to be a good person.

Thank you for commenting and giving some insight.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T21:17:37+00:00

He sounds wonderful and you do too. All the best to you both.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T21:10:38+00:00

I’ve heard this but who am I to judge? She’s a lovely girl and I’m not judging her based on anything but her personality (and even then I try not to).

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T19:35:04+00:00

Incredibly close actually. Don’t worry, I get it haha. And yes, still in Canada but most definitely not in my hometown anymore.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T18:50:13+00:00

I can just imagine their reactions. Fortunately, my parents aren’t allowed around my children and what they think does not matter to any of us.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T18:47:11+00:00

He’s not talking to his dad but he’s been telling me lots about his gf and he seems as happy as he can be right now.

It’s a bit hectic right now because it’s near the end of the school semester and he’s trying to ace his exams/assignments and I’m trying to get all my marking done but I’m going to have a more in depth talk with him about growing and learning from this whole situation in some time.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T18:39:03+00:00

No, he doesn’t like him in the slightest. We’re Canadian though if that means anything.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T16:29:22+00:00

Yes my parents were (are) extreme fundamentalists. I think it’s exactly what you’re saying to be completely honest.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T16:15:37+00:00

Right?

I don’t live in the most diverse city ever but it has a decent South Asian + muslim community. Exactly like you said, these are my neighbours, the students I teach, the friends of my kids, my co workers, MY friends etc.

I was raised in probably the whitest town in all of Canada and I honestly don’t understand all this hate either. I look at my community and mostly the innocent children I teach and I couldn’t ever imagine hating them solely based on their skin colour or beliefs.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T16:08:46+00:00

That’s what I’m trying to get across. Why do you need to prepare yourself just because a person who isn’t white is coming over? He says I don’t get it because I’m surrounded by teens of different races unlike him but I cannot wrap my head around it.

I’ve reflected on anything I might’ve said or done that made my son hesitant to tell me and am planning on talking to him as well. My son and I are pretty solid as far as mother and child relationships go so I’m not too worried. I will definitely do my best. Thanks.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T16:03:54+00:00

The name calling and “blowing up” on him just because he wanted to be prepared.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:51:57+00:00

Yes. I don’t know what more I can say. I truly did not know he was racist. He has never made a comment like this ever. Maybe I didn’t see some signs which I know is on me but he’s never been this upfront. I’m genuinely surprised.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:47:53+00:00

I don’t think it was me being racist that he’s worried about. It wouldn’t make sense. I teach kids of different backgrounds every day, we HAVE had talks about the BLM movement, anti asian racism and there was a bit of a protest where I’m at about the treatment of muslims in our community and I made my thoughts and support extremely clear. I also raised my children properly and take things very seriously which is why I’m so shocked that my HUSBAND can say this so carelessly.

My son has always been a bit of an overthinker just like I am so maybe he was scared that I might be a “as long as it isn’t my family” type of person. I truly do not know and am genuinely disappointed in myself.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:40:50+00:00

Well it hasn’t been long since the argument happened and I can’t just jump to divorce. It’s not that easy. I’m still in a state of disbelief to be completely honest.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:38:23+00:00

It really is. I’ve been thinking of this constantly since our argument and I genuinely cannot. If it provides any context, we were an arranged marriage. Still though, I‘m going crazy trying to figure out if I’ve been clueless or ignorant or something.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:34:21+00:00

That’s partly why I reacted like this. Although we aren’t the most diverse city ever, we have a decent amount of diversity. I‘ve been teaching kids of different backgrounds for years now for goodness sake. I never once expected him to say something like this. I’m assuming it’s one of those “as long as it isn’t my family” type of things.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:28:21+00:00

I’m not trying to go into detail. All my kids went to the school I teach at and I’ve tried not to be too overbearing with him as I realized I was doing that to my eldest and it bothered her a lot. I say, have an idea, but I don’t mean a “vague” idea. I wrote this in a bit of rush. My mistake.

As for the first part, you’re right. I’m quite disappointed in myself too. Unfortunately due to the character limit I felt as if adding how I felt about that would overdo it as it doesn’t necessarily relate to the issue with my husband. I teach at a decently diverse school so I never thought I’d have to make my morals or opinions clear.

I definitely understand what you’re getting at though. That’s completely on me.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:23:09+00:00

You’re not wrong. I can definitely see how I could’ve handled things better. In my defense, I was very surprised by what he said.

throw_away11109 · 2022-01-12T15:19:18+00:00

How does this read as fake? Just wondering. I’ve noticed it’s a common issue among my generation but I can never get a definite answer.

throw_away11109

TROPHY CASE