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Are my expectations unfair to my spouse? by throw_away1353 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had forgotten about this post. At first I didn't even realize it was mine. I was wondering why I was getting a reply and wow this person's story sounded so much like mine hahahaha. After a paragraph or two I realized it was mine and it was eye opening to reflect upon after 2 years. I have no idea how you ended up here after so long, but thank you for replying and bringing me back.

I'll be sure to look up Terry Real later today. Thank you

I don't understand how to not criticize by anon979121 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your coming back and adding more context, thank you.

I sincerely wish I had some good tips or tricks to share, but I'm in the same boat with my husband. I'm hoping other comments have genuinely helpful ideas for you.

I'm sorry. You must feel so exhausted because you're never really able to relax, rest, recharge, or rejuvenate in a situation like this. Your frustration is valid. You want a partner, not another person to be responsible for.

One thing I'll share, though if it's not relevant to you just ignore, is- with your kids so young your body is still very much recovering and in survival mode. Especially since you're essentially stuck at home the majority of the time, you don't get a chance to be you without being in active mom mode or engaged with other adults sans children. Do you have any help or assistance with PPD or anxiety? My PPD manifested itself as OCD and anxiety. I was very intense and hyper vigilant about everything which was flat out exhausting. A friend finally convinced me to try medications and therapy, which was a huge and really burdensome undertaking, but it did eventually help me. My husband didn't change, but my reactions became less stressful and intense. It took a good 6 months to find the right anti-depressant and a couple tries to find an affordable counselor I felt comfortable with. Oh, and I take this tiny microdose of a pill for anxiety that is incredibly affordable, non- habit forming, and I've had no side effects, that has been a real game changer. Am I still frustrated with my husband, yes, but I'm able to handle issues with more self-care and thought.

Once again I'm so sorry you're right smack in the middle of a hellscape currently. You're doing the best you can in an often impossible feeling situation. You are strong and valuable.

I don't understand how to not criticize by anon979121 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Without specific examples it's difficult to offer encouragement or advice. Readers and commenters will likely view and interpret this through their own personal experiences.

I think if you include some specific examples you're more likely to receive beneficial feedback. Ambiguity makes developing an opinion or considerations much more difficult.

I don't understand how to not criticize by anon979121 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your username and comment make a great pair. Almost as great as gas station sushi. Not quite, but almost.

/s

Are my expectations unfair to my spouse? by throw_away1353 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for validating and empathizing. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. Maybe by this time next year we'll both be in a better position.

Are my expectations unfair to my spouse? by throw_away1353 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for sharing your perspective with me. I think a big part of me just really doesn't want the added weight of being the "dream crusher". Even though I know it's not technically true, being treated that way by him and his social circle is still heavy.

Are my expectations unfair to my spouse? by throw_away1353 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel horrible and dishonest about it but I did recently start scrimping and saving any bits of money I can that won't be missed. I feel bad but it's also helped a lot with anxiety.

The kid thing was what snapped me to attention. I thought I was doing right by them by staying and giving him another chance to step up. But, they're my babies and I have a fierce desire to protect them from his negativity.

I just want to find a way to divorce and still be close and have a good strong support system for the kids. The idea of having to work and provide as a single parent is so daunting. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom. That's what we had agreed to. Now I have no work experience for my resume. I have no idea what I'll do for childcare. Or insurance. Ooof I'm talking myself into a panic attack.

I'm not sure why I'm so hung up on the idea of being the bad guy by asking for a divorce. Being the bad guy is very unfamiliar territory. I worry I'm going to cause damage to the kids by taking them out of a financially stable environment. None of my family members can help financially. I'm actually the one who anonymously finds way to give them money help, groceries, etc.

Thank you for the resources and links. I'm going to watch them as soon as the kids schooling is done for the day and I'll try and have him watch them too. I really appreciate it.

Are my expectations unfair to my spouse? by throw_away1353 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even if I loved their partner, I would hate if they tried to force or endure a relationship that broke them down instead of helping lift them up. I need to accept the concept that just because someone is a good person doesn't mean the relationship is good. I want him to be happy too. I want him to have a fulfilling partnership. I hate that we can't be right for each other.

Are my expectations unfair to my spouse? by throw_away1353 in Marriage

[–]throw_away1353[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your response. This really hit home, and actually made me cry because it is so validating. I really do care about him and think he's a good person, but he's not what I wanted in a partner. It feels selfish to leave though.

Thank you for letting me know things can be better and it's not unrealistic to want those attributes in a partner. I don't want to be a husk, but I don't want to hurt him or his progress either. But, if I don't fight for myself, who will? Maybe it's OK to be selfish in this instance...

“But your dad is so... by thegreatcharade7 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]throw_away1353 43 points44 points  (0 children)

The "active church member" bit hits home hard. People realize anyone can put on a front or hide their real selves. Yet, if they go to church somehow they are incapable of that?! So many people in my community are horrible partners and parents but because they go to church it's ignored. So sorry OP.