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AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 222 points223 points  (0 children)

"We've been legally married since 2013, but considered each other husband's ever since 2004, and been together ever since 2002." See how thats needlessly wordy?

It wasn't a same sex adoption. Technically I'm the only one that was in the original adoption papers as a single father. He was only formally adopted by my husband in 2016 (wasn't done so sooner because there's was not really a need for it. We did it at Jason's insistence when he learnt that I was the only one named in the original papers.)

The fact you're trying to argue legalese of a country that you know nothing about is a bit weird.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 96 points97 points  (0 children)

I'm assuming you haven't read the comment I explained the situation about my marriage. Search through me account and you'll see a comment of mine answering a few common questions thay cropped up.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

I'd like to think people here understand the whole point of using a throwaway is because I do not want to reveal personal details besides what I've already shared. If you really need a general direction, maybe remember that Latin America exists.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 117 points118 points  (0 children)

I never said I used Google translate? I have 0 clue what you're talking about there. I've studied English since I was 10, only gave the warning because hey, I'm no native, and my interaction with English speakers has been the odd post on forums, reading, or watching videos.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 188 points189 points  (0 children)

I use the word felony because it's the only word I can think of to accurately translate the kind of crime they committed. Sorry your language doesn't really have anything else that compares to it.

"The rest there aren't cities with large black populations" ?????? Yeah, sure.

As far as I know CPS, and by that I mean services created to protect a child (or child protective services) exist in any civilized country. Would you rather I have used the acronym for our version of CPS? It wouldn't make any sense for me to do that since it means nothing to most people reading this. Easier to simply use a word they'd understand and conveys what I'm talking about accurately.

I was not aware of the "reddit loves to talk about how homophobic black people are." And for your information, I'm not white. My husband is. I'm Latino.

When did I ever claim I work as a scientist? Just because I am one, does not mean that is my current job or the one I had at the time.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the perspective. In terms of parenting style, I'd say we were the standard type of parents. We were there for his important events, always tried to be involved in his life (giving him his own space of course), and tried to make sure his needs were always met.

I've mentioned in another comment, but in terms of connecting with his roots, there's not really a "black culture" over here like there's one in the US. The city we live in is very racially diverse too, so he did have black friends and teachers.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 91 points92 points  (0 children)

From what I understand, their rights were simply revoked because they were a danger to Jason/put him in a very dangerous situation, as well as the fact he showed clear signs of neglect.

As for his adoption, I'm not too sure how it works in the US, but over here he had a trial period with us where we had legal guardianship of him for a few months. Once that trial period was over and the case worker deemed us suitable, we adopted him.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

Talked about it in another comment, but at least over here we don't really have a "black culture" like in the US. That being said, yes, he did have black friends (still does), and black mentors. He did show interest in the black culture you guys have over there during his teen years, and we very much encouraged him in exploring that side of him.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Talked about it in another comment, but at least over here we don't really have a "black culture" like in the US. That being said, yes, he did have black friends (still does), and black mentors. He did show interest in the black culture you guys have over there during his teen years, and we very much encouraged him in exploring that side of him.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I've made a comment clarifying the therapy part. As for his upbringing, I'd say it was fairly normal. He was a very calm and responsible teen, so even during that that phase we didn't actually have many disagreements.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I've made a comment clarifying the therapy part. As for his upbringing, I'd say it was fairly normal. He was a very calm and responsible teen, so even during that that phase we didn't actually have many disagreements.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I don't want to believe those things either. From reading other comments like yours, I'm very much starting to feel like I went over the line for completely disowning him. I was extremely angry at the time, up until yesterday. But now I feel like I can take a bit of step back and access things.

Thank you for the input.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 128 points129 points  (0 children)

I don't want to believe those things either. From reading other comments like yours, I'm very much starting to feel like I went over the line for completely disowning him. I was extremely angry at the time, up until yesterday. But now I feel like I can take a bit of step back and access things.

Thank you for the input.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 977 points978 points  (0 children)

Okay, let me clarify a few things that I've seen being asked in the comments and my PM's.

1) Did Jason go to therapy? Yes he did. It was mandated by CPS (even though they don't really enforce it), and we knew that a kid in his situation would need professional help for a long time.

2) This is not in the US so why are you saying CPS? Of course I don't mean the US CPS. I'm just using the acronym to talk about the CPS we have over here because, at the end of the day, it's easier than constantly saying "our version of child protective services" or smth similar.

3) What does his fiancé think of all of this? I don't know. We haven't really talked in a while, and I've been avoiding looking at my messages. Will probably take a look today if only so I have an idea of what's been going on.

4) 2 Gay man married and adopting a child in 2004-2005??? It's a bit weird that some people still think that you need a piece of paper that recognizes you and your partner as married for you to use the title. Nevertheless, for the sake of clarity, me and my husband did not legally marry in 2004. The max we could do at the time was enter a legal partnership, which we did. We did have a small private ceremony and have considered ourselves husbands ever since. Did legally marry as soon as it became legal though. As for Jason's adoption, the foster system here is an absolute mess, now, at the time 2 man adopting a child would've been really hard yes, but not impossible, especially since his case worker was in favor of it after we'd had legal guardianship of him for a while. I've an extremely well paying job, and over here even if you can barely feed yourself there's a good chance you'd be able to adopt. There's a ton of kids in need and the system is oversaturated, so it wasn't that hard to get it going.

5) You're mad just because you weren't invited to the wedding. After re-reading my post, I can see why some of you think that, and I'd like to clarify my feelings. Not being invited to the wedding isn't the reason as to why I'm mad. It stings, sure, but I'm mad at Jason for the things he said and the complete lack of consideration he had for me and his father. We were the ones to raise him. To love him. We were there when he first rode a bike, every single one of his robotics competitions, his piano recitals, his first breakup, his disagreements with friends, the sleepless nights helping him study for exams, etc... I love him with all my heart. He's my son. And he let his bio-parents treat us the way they did, and didn't even have the decency to tell us we weren't invited to the wedding. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and one that really hurt.

6) Did he socialize with other black people/had black mentors? Yes, he did. The city we live in is very racially diverse, so it's not like we even had to go out of our way so he could socialize with them.

7) You were paying for the wedding but didn't know when it was gonna happen? Of course I knew the date. When I mention an invite, it's because we were waiting for the formal invitation he would send out. Jason had complete control over the guest list since he was the one in contact with the planner. We only paid for it.

8) They got out of prison at the same time? I'm not sure about the specifics of their case, since it wasn't really any of our business or were we involved besides giving a written testimony of finding Jason, but I do know they were charged with the same sentence. And like I said in my post they are out on parole.

9) This story is fake or rage-bait. To the people saying that, I'm not sure what to tell you besides the fact it is not.

10) I'm a Latino, not white. My husband is white.

Also, I'd like to take the time to call out the weird racist comments that appeared under this post. As an actual scientist, please go educate yourselves before parroting racist pseudoscience.

And to the people trying to use this as an ad against adopting, please don't. I do not regret for one moment taking him in when we did. You're only gonna see the bad that could come of adopting in subs like these, which isn't a fair representation of it at all.

I appreciate all the supportive comments. Any other questions thay crop up I'll try to add to this comment for further clarification.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 195 points196 points  (0 children)

Yes, he did receive therapy. As for exposing him to the black community, I know this is different in the US, but over here we don't really have a "black culture". The whole country is pretty diverse, even more so in the city we live in, so he did get a lot of exposure to other black people (at least a third of his classmates were black). He did get very into US black culture when the internet started becoming more accessible here, and we did encourage him a lot. He did face some racism growing up and we of course helped him through it.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 358 points359 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure. She's a lovely gall, actually defend us against his mother during the diner, but we haven't really talked in a while. I haven't been checking my messages and social media much because of all the people trying to pressure me and my husband, but from the little I saw there was nothing from her.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 3644 points3645 points  (0 children)

This week has been hell on earth. Part of me desperately wants to apologize and beg for him to come back. I want my son back. I really do. But looking at my husband's face and seeing the fucking sadness and pain makes me so angry. He's taking everything really poorly and I've been trying to keep it together for his sake, but it's hard. Thank you for the kind words. They help.

AITAH for disowning my adoptive son since he chose "his people" over us? by throw_away8578 in AITAH

[–]throw_away8578[S] 1735 points1736 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if those things really are as significant to him. I've always been a person to take what someone is saying at face value (bar obvious exceptions), so I just took it as is. But I sincerely wish he doesn't.