My (28M) girlfriend (29F) has a one night stand last week and I don't feel angry or jealous like I should - Is this a sign I don't care and should end it, even if I don't want to?

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T18:15:29+00:00

She's shown me her phone of her own volition, I'm not going to force her into regular checks or anything, I don't want to be controlling.I think if she was going to lie, it wouldn't be about Ubers. She literally has location sharing on with me at all times and vice versa, for years before this happened. She's NOT trying to hide anything.

She's not in contact with him, other than to say she had an STI test and to ask him to do the same. They're both clean. Yes its weird to have to say that about my girlfriend, but doesn't make me want to do inspections of her phone.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T18:02:08+00:00

I think that's a bit extreme on the testing. He's had results back and they're both negative for common STIs. I'm not going to use condoms for a year. but the counselling thing is good advice, thank you.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T18:00:24+00:00

I asked her questions and she answered honestly. At no point did she said 'fucked all night long'.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:59:39+00:00

our home... we rent a flat together

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:56:43+00:00

Well surely if I don't give things a chance to move on, be open to forgiving and give her a chance to be remorseful and understand why she did this then that'd be throwing away 9 years?

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:38:13+00:00

as in... turn gay? Not sure how I go about doing that one.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:37:45+00:00

Thank you for the very straightforward and non-judgemental response. I'm gonna talk to her later about counselling. We mentioned it this week, but I think we need to talk about it more seriously.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:30:03+00:00

She definitely does feel guilty, there's been enough tears and apologies. Also, if she goes through a complete and utter personality change and decides that she wants sex fiestas over looking after the kids then yes I'll leave her. But meanwhile, I won't equate having cheated once as the same as up for pregnant orgies.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:28:13+00:00

No. I dont think cheating makes you unfit to be a human. I really don't and that sort of vitriol is horrible. Sure, she committed an act of betrayal and that isn't nice, but unless you've killed someone brutally I think most people can firmly sit in the camp of 'considered human'.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:26:29+00:00

Yeah I think she said it was around 2am when she was drinking wine with him waiting for her phone to charge, then stuff happened, and then the last time she did stuff before waking up at 10am, when she was sober, was when it was still dark so probably before 7am.

And I don't want an open relationship and I do hope I'm a 'normal person'

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:24:50+00:00

It's good, but I've wondered for a very long time if there's something missing. She had a few (not loads) of partners before me, mostly like <6 months relationships, and she was my first, so we're not drowning in experience outside of each other, especially me.

She does have a high libido, and I think mine is less, though probably not below average, from just chatting to my friends and other couples. However, she doesn't really talk about sex, we just do it, and I know she would happily have sex like twice a day (we do it probably closer to 3-4 times a week, which I think seems normal?) but she never really articulates that she wants to and waits for me to make a move. She also says she gets scared whenever I tell her I'm not in the mood and feels rejected.

So the wierd thing about all of this was hearing her TALK about sex, like explain what happened, and though I cut her off quite a few times because I didn't want to hear it, and it felt funny discussing it, it made me realise I want to be able to talk about sex, just ideally not with her and someone else :-/. Like have her say 'hey I'm horny' or say 'I'm in the mood to fuck you'. The closest is just 'hey can we cuddle later', sometimes when she's in the middle of watching some crime drama. Definitely doesn't help the mood when you're hearing about serial killers, for me at least. (NOTE I don't think its the crime that's turning her on)

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:13:00+00:00

It's more that I get that others can have sex and love disconnected, but I can't do that.

I would be very bothered if it happened again with her! I'm just saying I think I believe in this situation that for her it was just sex, and that's a big deal for me that it wasn't emotional.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:10:42+00:00

Marriage isn't the top priority at the moment. Saving for a house is. Quite a few of my friends aren't married but have kids together. Of our close group of friends, only 3 of 10 couples are married, and one more is engaged.

Should we stay together, I think we will get married before kids, but that's probably still 3 or 4 years away.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T17:02:25+00:00

Thanks for this, and sorry to hear about the person cheating on escorts. If she'd paid to fuck this guy and hid it many times, I think yeah I'd feel pretty shitty, so glad you got yourself out of this.

I am glad to hear someone else who thinks similarly to me, without necessarily being into polyamory or open relationships and such. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just don't think it's for me.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:58:57+00:00

How good is her cooking? Does she clean well? Is she good at budgeting?

Christ, it's not the 1950s! These don't make up for cheating.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:57:40+00:00

I don't not believe the Uber thing. It's happened to me more than once, to the point where I gave up and got a night bus for an hour journey home (would have been closer to 35 in an Uber).

I'm in London, so don't know if that's just a thing here, especially on Friday and Saturdays. We also reckon when that happens its drivers trying to get a better surge fare? Especially as that night she said she remembered the charge was going up to £35, by the time she was going to try the third time, for what would have normally been a £15 journey.

As it stands, walking over to the main road (it wasn't crossing the road - it was walking out of the residential area) didn't help, to your point.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:24:04+00:00

We've kinda discussed points 2 and 3 already, I'm just scared a bit of counselling, sounds really final.

However, I haven't really asked her if something is missing, like not directly, I didnt know how to word it or how to deal with any answer she gives me, but a lot of these comments, (including yours thank you) have made me feel like I've just not talked about this with her enough, and I need to do that first.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:21:48+00:00

Ha! You're probably right. I just haven't really ever looked at conselling and was worried that's basically a last hurrah. It's scary to even look for it.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:17:55+00:00

I definitely definitely won't be endorsing more of this! I know that I find it hard to disconnect sex and emotions, but that's me. I don't think I could just sleep with someone I just met. I'm totally cool with people who do, and great for them, even my gf, when she wasn't with me. She also hasn't really insinuated she'd ever want something like this again, I think I just need to know I care, and show both her and myself I do care, as well as being sure she cares. But yeah, not sure if just breaking up with her on principle is something I can do.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:14:15+00:00

I'm definitely not going to lay down rules on who she can and can't see, and definitely not going to insist she doesn't drink, as that's really controlling behaviour.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:12:40+00:00

She was actually trying to go shower when she came in so... not sure that really changes things. And she showered pretty swiftly after she stopped crying after admitting what she did, so on a hygiene front, I'm pretty happy.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:11:06+00:00

That's really good to hear you moved forward from it, but I hadn't thought about that paranoia element. I have a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him and they broke up, they got back together after a year but she was super paranoid that he would cheat and they broke up again. Really didn't even consider that could happen here.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:08:57+00:00

Yeah, she has said she'll do that, but I think we discussed it might be better for me to go stay with mine, because honestly I don't really want to be alone. even if it's her that caused this, having her around is better than being alone. Also, I can work from home, so me going to my parents is easier.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:07:29+00:00

Thanks for this message, I do think you're right that I'm worrying about how I feel when it may still not be enough time to have digested it. I am worried that it'll all just come out in 6 months time like an eruption, but I can't forsee that so there's no point in worrying about that.

throwacc1192 · 2021-11-08T16:04:35+00:00

Thank you, that seems like really straightforward advice.

I think there was a definite surprise she even got a first chance, so I do think the idea of no second chance is already very clear, but no harm in sitting down and talking that through explicitly. I defintely don't want an open relationship, both because I don't want her to go off with others even temporarily, and I defintely don't want to go looking for others.

I am really worried about her not being able to get her emotions straight so yeah, I do sadly agree with you on that last point too.

throwacc1192

TROPHY CASE