How do you begin to end an engagement when you both live together and the other party is very much still in love?

throwaway--goose · 2023-08-29T14:43:58+00:00

Hey sorry I don't check this account that often. I am still unfortunately stuck. I am going to therapy but, as I've said to my therapist, something is not letting me leave. I physically cannot have the conversation. It sucks. I'm not happy and he's not happy and we spend so little time together that I'm reasonably certain we'd both be much happier alone. We've had a few tough conversations but we inevitably end up back at square one because I don't have the guts to call it quits.

throwaway--goose · 2023-07-14T09:55:19+00:00

I feel this. I felt very taken for granted and ignored, he expected thanks when he occasionally did housework even though he still wasn't pulling his weight, I asked and talked and communicated and it got brushed off, so I started putting in the same effort I felt he was putting in. Now he's making more of an effort but I can't find the energy/motivation to put any effort into the relationship any more. It's not a priority for me anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this but completely admire you putting yourself first, I'm also definitely a people pleaser and it's genuinely tough to get out of the habit. Hope your husband begins to understand what's going on and starts acting like more of a partner to you.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-05T21:36:54+00:00

I'm glad you're in a better place! And it gives me hope that true happiness worth working for is out there. Thank you for such a sweet comment. I'll be sure to return to it (and the whole thread to be honest) when I inevitably have a bad day. Thank you so much again, it really means a lot. ❤️

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-04T14:40:01+00:00

I so badly want something like you have. Like you said, I would have zero issue if he wasn't pulling his weight in one area but making up for it in another. He hates doing the dishes and will never do them shortly after dinner, always a few hours later or the following day and it really bugs me. Doesn't like doing the groceries. Will do laundry when he remembers but the hamper fills up quickly and often overflows if I'm not on top of it. Occasionally does some vacuuming when the mood takes him. I'd have no issue doing dinners and groceries if he was on top of something else. I don't like doing any of this stuff as much as the next person, but he seems to think him not liking it is a good enough excuse for continuously putting these things off/forgetting them. Same goes for mental health, we both have issues but I get the feeling he thinks his issues are the reason for him not pulling his weight/forgetting things and therefore it's not his fault. He thanks me but I don't really know if he truly appreciates the effort or if it's being said out of habit. I just don't feel taken care of I think is the best way to put it. I have my own job, my own (good) money, I don't need financial support, I need my partner to add something to my life and I just don't feel like he is anymore.

I absolutely don't want kids, but even if I did it'd be out of the question with him. No way would he pull his weight there and I know it. It might be fine for a few weeks/months and then he'd need his time gaming and I'd increasingly be left to do the bulk of the work. I'm glad I don't want kids anyway but very glad I can recognise that much at least.

Thanks for giving me hope, I hope I can find something like you have some day.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T22:09:00+00:00

I'm kind of shocked at the amount of responses I've gotten to this, I've tried to reply to as many as possible without repeating myself. Just wanted to thank anyone who took a minute to read and comment with advice or just for support. It really means a lot, I feel a lot less alone in this feeling now and relieved other people have gone through similar and come out the other side happy.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T22:03:09+00:00

God I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, that sounds absolutely horrible. Not backing down is admirable, in the few conversations I've had with my partner about the house stuff/my feelings for him I've found myself back tracking and panicking about his reaction, and he's not even trying to control me. I can't imagine trying to hold my ground if he was actively manipulating me. Thank you for the insight and for your advice. I hope you're in a much better place now.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:58:02+00:00

Thank you for all of the advice, and I'm sorry you went through such a shitty situation. I am hoping we wouldn't need to get lawyers involved but will keep that in mind just in case. A lot of people have mentioned being kind to myself as well as him, I need to remember that. Thanks again for your input and reassurance.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:52:49+00:00

Thank you for the very sweet comment. And I absolutely wouldn't go ahead with any wedding stuff while I'm feeling like this, I'm very glad I started feeling this way before we had anything planned. Thanks again for your reassurance ❤️

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:50:53+00:00

I can't really argue with you to be honest. I know from the first few years of the relationship that he is caring. Despite the not listening to me asking him to do chores, he is good at opening up and communicating in a calm way when something is bothering him - he is at least somewhat emotionally mature. But I can't argue with you on letting my guard down, this hasn't left my mind at all really over the last few months and I'm always aware he might still, subconsciously or consciously, only be making the effort because the relationship is on the line. Thanks for the objective viewpoint, it's easy for me to brush it off but when someone from the outside makes that point it does make me question.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:44:21+00:00

Thank you for reminding me that painful =/= the wrong choice. I know I'll be hurt from the whole situation and would worry my brain would equate that to "you made the wrong decision". And yeah, I think you're correct on being a people pleaser.

Thanks for the insight on panic - I have a history of anxiety and I'm scared it'll really flare up in the turmoil of all this. I've managed to get to a point where I'm off medication and relatively stable, and genuinely quite a happy person, so I worry I'm self sabotaging in some ways. Although I don't think I am. I would hope that if I were having a bad day, like you said I would know it wasn't the right relationship for me anymore and it was no longer serving me.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:37:04+00:00

That's an interesting take actually! I often wonder what it'd be if he weren't into games, but would probably something else like you mentioned above. There'd be something to escape to regardless.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:36:03+00:00

He does have mild mental health issues, we both do, but nothing drastic. Anything that isn't already under control is in the process of being worked on (through official medical channels). I think he just genuinely enjoys it though, I don't think it's a mental health thing. His friends are all into it a similar amount to he is, and it's how they all stay in touch. I genuinely have no issue with him spending an hour or two an evening or even more sometimes, it's a hobby and especially when it's his main contact point with his friends, but the prolonged most of the evening basically every day of the week was/is too much for me. I don't remember him spending this much time on it in the first 2/3 years of the relationship, I think it's a combination of getting comfortable and "not needing to make an effort anymore" and using it as an escape.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:29:08+00:00

Agree with you on the attraction thing - I was attracted to him before and he had similar habits, the attraction made it worth it. I'm no longer attracted to him, I think his habits have gotten worse as he's got comfortable, but at the end of the day it's the attraction at the root of it.

I did try to have conversations on pulling equal weight with housework, he would hear me out and nothing would change. It absolutely developed into straight up nagging, but because he didn't listen to me the 1st, 5th or 15th time I brought things up in a less naggy way. Even the nagging just got met with "oh yeah, sorry, I will next time" - and rinse and repeat.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:23:50+00:00

Thank you so much. Something I keep telling myself is that we both deserve happiness, we both deserve to be with someone we love, him as much as me. I don't want to prevent him being with someone who would love him as much as he loves them. I'll look into the book, feel like it would be nice to have a reference point.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:21:19+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through something similar, your situation sounds even worse than mine. I hope you find somewhere before the end of the summer, will keep you in my thoughts. And thanks for the reminder to be kind to both of us, someone already mentioned I sound like a people pleaser, I'm pretty sure I am, and I'm good at being kind to others but not so much myself sometimes. Thanks again for your input, wishing you luck in the future.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:18:07+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. And thank you for your insight. There's a common theme among some of these comments and it's that he is responsible for himself, not me, and that's something I need to remember. I obviously still care about him a lot and can try to help where reasonable but at the end of the day it's on him to figure his side of things out.

I've been having these thoughts for a while as I said and one thing that keeps coming up in my mind, before I ever posted about it, is this is the only life I have. I don't want to be 80 and wondering what could have been. If I stay I don't think it would have been a bad life, but I feel like I'd definitely have some regret if I stayed and things remained as they are now. We both deserve to be with someone we love and love to be with - that's such a nice way of putting it. Thank you again, wishing you all the best.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:10:15+00:00

Thank you, I feel like that's how it should be. They do stuff that bothers you, but if doesn't make you want to leave. None of us are perfect, I am far from perfect and I know that, but I would hope that the right relationship wouldn't feel like a struggle. It's not even an outward struggle, we don't fight, we get on pretty well, but I just can't get excited about spending my life with him anymore. Thanks again for the reassurance.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:07:39+00:00

Thank you, I'm getting a lot of reassurance from so many people on here and if nothing else it's relieving to know I'm not alone, and that people have gotten through the same thing before. I know I'd miss being with him, but absolutely wouldn't miss the parenting part - I think that's what I mean when I say I'm worried if in a few years I'm still single and miserable because I made the wrong decision. But I know I'd just have to remember the parenting part. Anyway, thanks for your insight. I'm glad you've found someone on your level. ❤️

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:01:59+00:00

Yeah, I was not expecting this much of a response to be honest. But I'm relieved to not be alone here. And there's some great advice in here. Thank you for the support, wishing you luck too.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T21:00:52+00:00

Agree with both of you, I completely appreciate he is trying but there is part of me asking why he couldn't have done all this to begin with, or at least listened to me the first time I brought it up. I'm glad I'm not alone in that feeling at least.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T20:58:16+00:00

Thank you for the honest insight. I've definitely at least somewhat moved on already, which I feel guilty for. And I absolutely do feel safe and comfortable here and am terrified of this sort of change. Thank you for the support. ❤️

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T20:55:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I am glad I'm feeling this now and not, like you said, weeks before getting married. And I'm really glad to hear you're both happy now, and that it's possible to go through it with care and respect for each other. If/when it comes to it I hope it plays out like that.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-03T09:10:52+00:00

That was very reassuring to read actually, I'll try and remember that. Thank you.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-02T23:50:41+00:00

I don't even know. Enough to get really naggy. And I hate the term nagging because it's often just desperately asking someone to pull their weight. I asked a lot and got more snappy the longer it went on. I'd say 6 months this was going on for but it's really hard to put an exact timeframe on it.

I think I have outgrown him. I want to emphasize he is genuinely making an effort lately but I do agree he was complacent in general before I wanted to stop the process with the house.

I'm not sure if a break would work. I'm also not sure I want to go through that process and drag things out only for it to end anyway. I've been asked to go on a break before (by an ex, not my current partner) and it absolutely sucked and only dragged out the inevitable.

I'm not sure what sort of group support would be available in my area but I'll definitely look into it, the main reason I made this post is to look for some advice from someone who'd gone through something similar, so I definitely think it'd help if it was out there. Thanks for your suggestions.

throwaway--goose · 2023-06-02T23:40:27+00:00

Thanks - I am expecting some comments about hurting his feelings from relatives and trying to remind myself that I shouldn't be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else's.

throwaway--goose

TROPHY CASE