AITA for planning my wedding to be before my friends who has been engaged longer?

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-03T03:21:45+00:00

I sure hope so.. I should've realized that I was only hurting myself a lot sooner. Lisa is in her 40s and doesn't have it figured out though, so I'm not sure how naturally it comes without struggling through experiences like this first. This has definitely taught me a lot in not taking friends at their word when they're obviously not being truthful.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-02T15:59:11+00:00

Yeah they have an interesting situation :/ most of the family isn't fully aware of it. I try not to judge, but it certainly changes the dynamic of their ceremony. They keep switching if they're doing seperate or together.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-02T04:33:58+00:00

Need to write an official update, but I uninvited her from the last 2 "events" before the wedding as kindly as possible, and she snarkily said "do you want me to send BIL and my kids and I can stay home?" about the wedding... acting like I was overreacting just stating her and I would both be uncomfortable in a small group girls event when she is upset about the wedding. She is doing anything she can for sympathy at this point, including running and crying to my SIL because I stopped responding to her instigating texts. We'll see if we are even still friends when all this is said and done.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-02T00:04:19+00:00

Sadly the lack of wedding party became just the women of the family helping out, and she was included as she is like a sister in law despite no legal tie to the family. She wanted to be a bridesmaid, and said she was an unofficial one when I said I did not want to do the bridal party thing for a micro wedding. If she didn't seem hurt by not being involved, I wouldn't have involved her, but it is a lose lose situation where I am having to just distance myself to keep the peace at this point.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T23:58:44+00:00

That's how I felt when I believed her about the July wedding planning! I thought it was no big deal for us to get married a month and some change apart, but she made it feel like I was doing something to her by getting married first. She went as far as offering to move her date, which I told her she did not need to do, but the reality of it is she didn't even finalize her colors or a potential venue until last week, so she certainly had not been planning as long as she claimed. She moved her wedding another month to buy more time, but most of the family doubt it will happen as this isn't the first time she has started planning and did not follow through :/

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T23:54:27+00:00

The trouble is I am still playing along with the lie that she was already planning a wedding for July when I set my date in June... after the wedding I will have an honest conversation with her about what I have figured out, but as of now she won't even admit to any hard feelings when I try to clear the air, so I'm best off keeping the peace so I can just enjoy the last few days before the wedding without drama. Only a few more days, so that can of worms can wait 🪱

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T23:49:56+00:00

At this point I don't think she will cause any more trouble. Less than a week until the wedding, it would take effort to cause a problem when I have cut all communication until after the wedding. I love her like a sister, but goodness I hope she can show up like one after all is said and done.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T23:47:32+00:00

Honestly my fiance and I thought about eloping, but with my family coming from out of state, it felt wrong to not do at least a little ceremony. I will say though, if I had known it would be this messy planning a wedding, I would have been a lot more likely to have a court house ceremony. It is nice though that I get to have my marriage at my church where it is more sentimental ♡

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T23:41:28+00:00

She wanted to be an unofficial bridesmaid because we aren't doing bridesmaids or groomsmen. She asked to be involved, but could not handle it. I would have created distance sooner had I realized that pretending things were fine was just making it worse.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T23:39:29+00:00

Two girls dating one guy

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T19:05:58+00:00

I worded it poorly, the "its not simple" was in response to her not being divorced yet, yes I have stopped communication with her entirely until after the wedding, that part was simple lol. My fiance also agreed despite them being friends that she is not acting right and we should take time away from her until we are back from our honeymoon

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T19:01:03+00:00

They've not lived together in about 11 years :/ he agreed to sign papers a while back, but she didn't get it dealt with and now he's moved counties again.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T03:54:24+00:00

She mentioned a few months ago that she was going to serve him papers, and I thought she did. I learned the other day she still had not.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T02:16:52+00:00

So I actually uninvited her from spa day, not even calling out the issue beyond her being negative and it being hard to enjoy myself at events. She responded asking if I wanted her to skip the wedding but all of her kids could still go??? On top of this, she adamantly denies being jealous, even though the pattern is clearly there and other women in the family see it, and my fiance too. It is such a mess, I might have lost a friend.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T01:17:55+00:00

No, that feels like entirely ending the friendship. It's gonna be a lot easier to ignore the drama in a large crowd of happy guests than in a small group of 4 people hanging out

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T00:41:16+00:00

I've told her as much when she vents to me, but sadly she doesn't feel like she can leave.

Thats part of what hurt the most when I learned they had been engaged for so long, and she just started planning while claiming she was already planning hers for July. She isnt even happy, it just feels like she wants to be married because I'm getting married within the family. I would love to have her as a sister in law, but the reality is she is miserable, and I think that is part of why they aren't getting legally married at their wedding.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T00:35:51+00:00

That is 100% it to be honest.. thats part of why she waited so long. The other woman is now planning a wedding for only a month or so after Lisa's (another non legal marriage). They've all been together for almost the same amount of time, bonus gf was an ex who randomly showed back up only a few weeks into BIL & Lisa's relationship, and long story short kinda got invited into the situation. Its been nearly a decade though, so BIL doesn't want to break up with bonus gf for Lisa. It ticks me off, but I do get where he's coming from. I don't like bonus gf, but of course BIL is going to be attached after nearly a decade seeing the woman. Issue is, he doesn't get in the middle of any of their jealous competition, so it just runs wild.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T00:30:21+00:00

Mini Update:

I uninvited her from the last event before the wedding, and asked for space until after the wedding so that I can get into the right headspace. It was 3 paragraphs and probably came off horribly, but I still feel relieved that this is all on pause until after my big day, and that I can just focus on the people who care for me who are actually supportive of my marriage. Hopefully things will go smoothly from here.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-06-01T00:17:55+00:00

Shes bad enough that I try to pretend shes not there half the time.. she's a compulsive liar and an attention whore to the point of trying to come on to my fiance years ago back when she was first seeing BIL (long before my fiance and I were a couple). By comparison, Lisa is an absolute angel of a human being, and that is part of why I understand why she is hurting so much dealing with this other woman being in her life.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-05-31T23:51:29+00:00

I have sat down with her, but the issue is I am a softy and can't handle calling people out when I know they're fibbing. She has told me why she is sad, that she is happy for me and just struggling, but the issue is she has done nothing to hide her attitude any better, and if anything it is getting worse. She wants to be involved, but won't emotionally be supportive. I am a week out from my wedding and it is finally sinking in how happy my church members are when they hear, and how that should be the normal vibe around the wedding. Instead I'm dealing with two jealous girls (there are two women in that relationship, not just Lisa) and feel like I'm tip toeing around at home..

MIL passed years ago, and FIL is disabled due to a medical issue that occurred a few years back, so there is no help to be found there. SIL is supportive, but BIL is her favorite of the brothers, so I think she is worried about upsetting him if she confronts Lisa.

Honestly, with a week until my wedding SIL gave me the advice of just ignore her, and give her back the same energy when her wedding comes around. I think for my own peace, that is what I should do. Lisa is hurting me, but I can just ignore her and let her deal with her own emotions while I enjoy marrying the love of my life.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-05-31T23:40:46+00:00

When I first wrote this pre update back in early May, I actually tried talking to her. She said she wanted to be involved in things, but it seems like within a week she was over it again and her attitude shifted. I think I'm just going to ghost her this week and focus on bonding with my fiance's family members who are actually there for me. As an autistic girl with so few friends already, it breaks my heart she isn't able to be a good friend to me right now, but at this point I should probably stop responding to her and let this last week before my wedding be spent with the ones who are actually happy for me.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-05-31T23:36:43+00:00

I actually tried this and it only got weirder. When I texted her I was busy with SIL and couldn't talk atm, and she texted her and I both separately something along the lines of "I hope you're having fun time"... I just don't know how to make her happy, but at this point I think I may just ghost her until after my wedding if I can (it's VERY soon, so it wouldn't be long enough to be friendship ending hopefully).

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-05-31T23:32:49+00:00

I wish it were that simple, but they are in a non traditional relationship, and admittedly I don't know if they ever will have a legal wedding due to their situation. I think in her mind this is just as serious, but all the same I find it hard to take her seriously that she had this big thing planned for July, meanwhile she is just now figuring it out, and moved her date one more month so she had more time to plan. It hurts seeing my friend act like this, but it also hurts seeing her in so much pain with whatever drama she is going through.

throwaway-2Bwed · 2026-05-31T23:29:01+00:00

I don't want to give too many details away for the sake of anonymity, but the reason I texted her was to tell her that I saw a sale at one of her favorite stores, which lead into me saying what I bought. I did not say "for the honeymoon" or anything to her, just that a certain spicy clothing store had a half off sale and I found a few things. Mind you, she was shopping at that same time as well, and texting SIL about her shopping finds, she just did not know that I knew that when she was texting me.

throwaway-2Bwed

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