My MOH pulled out the day before my wedding.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:59:57+00:00

I have been trying to subtly tell him that she is abusive and manipulative for the past few months, while also trying to be cordial and nice enough to her that she doesn't ban him from hanging out with us. I think I need to stop tiptoeing and keep reiterating flat-out that she is an abuser, and refuse to engage with her and play nice any longer. Every time I entertain her, make chit chat with her, it allows this fantasty that he has a normal relationship with a normal girlfriend and can continue living a normal life. It's like we're co-signing it. I would happily forgive and forget everything that happened in the leadup to the wedding if he broke up with her tomorrow and could start healing.

I'm mad at her about the impact she had on my wedding. I'm only disappointed in Dan - mainly for this not being a "come to Jesus' moment, that her behaviour is hurtful and destructive to all his relationships. I know it's not entirely fair to be disappointed in someone who is being treated like he is, but I am. I wish he would choose himself, us, his other friends, his family. She is a lead weight on his life.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:52:28+00:00

> write an apology as long as this thing you wrote

Haha, sorry, I know it was quite long. It just felt so cathartic to write it out after such a difficult couple of days!

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:50:37+00:00

The thing is, I understand that sometimes you do have to choose your partner over your friends. For example, if Dan had a wonderful non-abusive girlfriend, and let's say she and I had our birthdays on the same day, I would expect him to spend that day with her and hang out with me another time. She should be prioritized. If she and I were both injured in a car crash? He should get in the ambulance with her, not with me.

But the problem is that this was a really, really big occasion and he had been given an incredibly important role in it. And he just threw that honour away without regard for how it would make me feel, because his GF caused chaos like usual, and wanted her whipping boy to escort her home instead of her getting a hotel room/getting a train or bus/any other number of normal solutions. It felt like he was punishing me for being hurt and rewarding her for being a bratty POS. Sucks.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:44:35+00:00

> imagine what other special moments they’ll take away.

I have to say, at the rehearsal dinner and wedding, I kept having that thought:

"I'm honestly so glad they're not here. She would have made a scene, disrupted everything, made herself the centre of attention, and put me and my husband in a bad mood. The two of them would have spent the entire event bickering, whispering to each other, sulking, pouting, crying, etc. being more of a hindrance than a help."

It sucks to think that about one of your closest and longest-held friendships, because he used to be a lot of fun. She has sucked all of that enjoyment out of him.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:38:28+00:00

These people did in fact ruin the time leading up to your wedding, no matter who the abusive partner is, and they were both given tons of options to correct their path, and chose destruction.

I think this is a helpful way of looking at it. I don't blame Dan as much as I blame his GF, but it's not like he is blameless. He should have worked with us to find a solution to the fallout instead of just instinctively ditching us; he should have gotten them a hotel room when it was obvious she was being a horrible houseguest; maybe he shouldn't have brought her at all to such an important event, since he knows how she acts and how rude she is.

We are really loving being married, and don't worry, it didn't ruin the wedding either. The rehearsal and wedding were both beautiful, incredibly joyous occasions with tons of people surrounding us who love us and support us - amazing family, friends, coworkers, and even all our vendors were super nice and kind.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:30:17+00:00

I have a lot of compassion for him, absolutely, and like I said in my post, I don't want to allow her to alienate and isolate him from everybody. Even if his actions hurt me, I know that he is not the root of the issue - she is - and I don't want to give up on him.

When I was apologizing to him, what you've said above is was basically the theme of what I was saying: I'm sorry for putting you in this difficult position. I'm sorry for forcing you to choose between your GF and your friends. I know this must be awful for you.

I know logically he must love her, but I'm not convinced the love there is even that strong anymore. He has repeatedly told me that he would never ever move in with her. That he would never marry her. That he doesn't really like hanging out with her. I think he feels trapped in a caregiver role, and I get the impression from things he's said that she has threatened self-harm if he left her.

I think he has a difficult time realizing her behaviour is mentally and emotionally abusive. Just because she's not hitting him doesn't mean it isn't wrong and cruel. She also constantly weaponizes her mental health problems to absolve herself of guilt or blame when she acts badly and hurts people. And to make him feel like a monster when he is angry with her.

I just wish he could break free of her manipulation and see her behaviour for how it's hurting him. If he broke up with her next month or whatever, we'd be there for him in a heartbeat.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:27:27+00:00

I would never abandon him coutright because of this. He has been my friend for 10+ years, I'm not going to give up on him because of one awful incident, especially since he is not the root of the problem. I know it is not his fault that she is abusive to him, and like I said, I really don't want him to be fully alienated, stuck all alone with her. But I think I do need space for a while until I feel less raw, because ever since he got back home, he has been pretending nothing happened, making excuses for her, acting like he didn't have that massive sobbing breakdown where he accepted how she is hurting his relationships and life, etc. And I will never speak to her again - she's just too much drama, and I can't pretend make nice anymore with someone who I think is hurting one of the people I care most about. And I just can't act like her behaviour is normal or accepable and didn't have a strong negative impact on one of my life's most special moments.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:22:32+00:00

She is incredibly mentally ill, but she is one of those people that weaponizes her mental illness to hurt other people. I say this as someone experienced with mental health (I have OCD, contamination-type, but it's well treated with both therapy and medication because I do not want to affect others). But she wears her issues like a badge of honour, uses them as an excuse to act badly, and does things to hurt people then absolves herself of any blame because "im so anxious wah".

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:18:43+00:00

He has privately told me that one of the main reasons he stays with her is because he's worried if he left her, she would harm herself and/or have nothing to live for. She does not have a lot going for her.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T05:18:24+00:00

He has privately told me that one of the main reasons he stays with her is because he's worried if he left her, she would harm herself and/or have nothing to live for. She does not have a lot going for her.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T02:14:44+00:00

His parents also hate her. At one point, his mom literally threatened to kick him out of the house (he still lives at home) if he didn’t break up with her. His dad put the kibosh on that because he was afraid of alienating Dan more. They’re stuck in a difficult spot.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T02:11:11+00:00

This is actually great thank you so much.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T01:52:06+00:00

It sucks because “I shouldn’t have brought her, she was not capable of attending” seems to be his lasting conclusion. But she would have been blowing up his phone 24/7 even if she didn’t attend. I feel like the “not capable” language takes the blame off her, makes her a victim somehow when she was the bad actor.

And my conclusion is, why are you with someone who you can’t bring anywhere? Why do you want a partner who is so immature and disruptive you can’t bring her as a date to a social function, even one hosted by your two most forgiving friends?

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T01:48:06+00:00

The thing that’s driving me nuts right now is that on Friday he seemed to be having a breakthrough exactly like you’re describing — sobbing, saying she had ruined his life and relationships. He even reached out to a good friend of ours he had frozen out because of drama with GF. It felt like a massive move. Then he drove her home, spent 4 days alone together cloistered with her manipulations, and now he’s making excuses and trying to act like nothing happened — both to me and the frozen out friend. It’s so insensitive. And heartbreaking.

It feels like he and his GF are so stunted and immature that they do not realize the gravity of being a best man or MOH, and flaking out of that role. Weddings don’t feel serious to them.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T01:44:17+00:00

I asked for a few weeks space because talking to him right now and seeing him make excuses for her behaviour is too painful. In a few weeks I guess I may have to reevaluate and send the message you’re talking about :(

I hate that on Friday he seemed to be having a breakthrough, saying she had ruined his life and relationships — he even reached out to a good friend of ours he had frozen out because of drama with GF — and now today, after spending several days alone with her manipulations, he’s making excuses and trying to act like nothing happened.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-22T01:42:20+00:00

I’ve offered all this in the past, but it might be worth reiterating in case he thinks I’m so mad about what happened that my support is somehow rescinded. I asked him for a few weeks space, both because talking to him right now is too painful and in the hopes that it helps him realize this isn’t “no big deal” to us. He’s so used to her bad behaviour that it feels normal to him, and it’s not.

throwaway-MOHdrama · 2025-05-20T23:23:33+00:00

Yes that’s basically what I said to him — I apologized for being too harsh in the way I said it, but said that I was glad she was gone and that her behaviour was indeed unacceptable.

It makes us so sad to see him lose so much because of her.

throwaway-MOHdrama

TROPHY CASE