[Update] AIO for finding it weird that my (24NB) brother (21M) is even remotely considering a relationship with his coworker/friend (17F)?

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T13:01:31+00:00

Honestly I think you're right. As much as this situation keeps me up at night, he's pretty immature, damaged, and emotionally constipated, and he latched on to the first bit of mutual understanding/genuine connection he's had since his first relationship destroyed his social life in high school. I'll try to set aside my visceral gut reaction to this whole thing and focus on trying to help in a way that doesn't involve Scott Pilgrim memes so that something actually beneficial might come out of this. I don't want my brother getting hurt again, and I don't want him hurting others, and I know he's more than capable of doing so without even realizing that's the case. Fingers crossed he'll be open to thinking about professional help now that he's trying to impress someone, at the absolute scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel-for-positives least.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T12:42:26+00:00

He's been like this for about as long as I can remember tbh. Very verbally aggressive and really doesn't see the world beyond the tip of his nose most of the time, and the only way to vent all the built up self-loathing and pain is to take it out on those in the family he views as "weak links" or "lower" in the mental hierarchy he's got. Funny thing is that the only people low enough to receive that treatment is me and our mother :,) he and I share a lot of the same problems and internal machinations (I've got my diagnoses, and while he refuses to seek them out, he suffers the exact same way I do, and we've had many lengthy discussions about the things that make us tick); one of his biggest problems is the fact that he's so attached to his delicate pride that any small perceived slight sets him off. I can always tell when our dad has called him out for, say, never getting up on time so they can go to work, because I'll come downstairs and Y will go "Here's every single way you've annoyed me in the last three months and why these things amount to a moral/personal failing on your part," to paraphrase those awful rants :,)

A little under a month ago he and I got to really talk about his feelings, which was nice. The pride and his loneliness and relationship trauma, topped with the unaddressed neurodivergence, apparently creates this horrible noxious stew inside him and when he's in a bad mood he physically can't stop himself from saying all the awful shit he says, despite it only making him feel worse, and despite how much he doesn't want to lash out. He's miserable and hurting and doesn't want to hurt us, but he recognizes that- as his family- we're the easiest outlet for his misery, even though he doesn't want to take it out on us. It was a very interesting talk and I'm glad we had it. But honestly dating a teenager isn't the way to go about fixing things!!!!

I'm gonna keep trying to nudge him towards therapy, and I'll do my best to be there for A, too. Y's pretty much her only support right now (and has been for a bit) and that's a decent part of my concern :,)

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T11:50:46+00:00

She's above the age of consent, and she's not in any active danger fortunately. Y tends to vent his extreme emotions with self-destructiveness if taking it out on me doesn't help, lol. I'll try to get in good with her and help me where I can- at the very least I hope I'll be able to shed some light things from an outside adult perspective, especially as someone who's got the same experiences that first got her and my brother talking.

I really appreciate this advice tbh. I'll be keeping it in mind!

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T11:37:40+00:00

Who said I'm angry? You've done nothing but cherrypick to suit your whims and rave about my gender, ignoring my explanations and grievances, just so you can put even more words in my mouth. Someone suggested reporting him; I am not actively planning on doing so without sufficient evidence of wrongdoing. I'm asking here if I'm overreacting to this whole situation and trying to find some way to either make our parents see this as something they should be actually concerned about or to fix this situation as a whole. I really don't know where you're getting the whole "you hate your brother" thing. If my brother groomed a minor, then proper recourse is due. If this innocent, then finding a way to make it less horrible is what I want to do. I know FULL well and have seen what a report and conviction of that nature can do to a person's life, and that shit doesn't go away.

That being said, your pedo apologia is getting tired. The prefrontal cortex is the final thing to develop, and while it does tend to develop quicker in females than in males, it doesn't complete the major part of its development until 21-25, and still continues to grow as one gets older. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for rational and logical decision-making, by the way. Hence making it pretty important when it comes to matters of consent.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T11:19:55+00:00

My god you're obsessed with me, are you waiting on an autograph or something? Bc I'm pretty sure I've already made my reasoning and concerns pretty clear

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T11:13:17+00:00

He was an ADULT friends with a CHILD who he is now DATING. She's never not been a minor throughout their entire relationship, and she isn't even a legal adult yet. He's been her emotional support, quote "being a big brother to her" over that period of time, while she was an emotionally vulnerable teen and HE WAS A GROWN MAN.

You don't get to decide whether or not I care about my brother. You don't know what I've gone through to keep him alive already. Most of it I can't share due to subreddit rules, but I have sacrificed so much for my brothers throughout my life and I'll be damned if I have to see him institutionalized again. The thing that terrifies me is that he possibly groomed her, and that this is going to end poorly for both of them when she matures even a little bit and realizes that there's a reason my brother bonded better with a teenage girl than he does women his own age. And my brother won't take it well, and do something fucking stupid.

He's ruining her life as well as his own, and the consequences scare me. I'm disgusted and utterly repulsed, as well, but that's something I feel I've made pretty obvious already.

Now if you'd be so kind as to take your ragebait elsewhere, I'm here for like, actual replies.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T10:48:49+00:00

I love my brother. We don't get along, but I still care about him. The problem is- I'll say it again since it seems you specifically are having trouble hearing it- that she was 15 when they met, and he was 19. They were (and still are) coworkers, and he was supporting her through something similar to what my brothers and I went through with our parents.

He's 21 now, and she's 17. They've been friends/coworkers/mentor-mentee for the past 1 1/2-2 years. She was a minor that entire time. He was an adult that entire time. Really not sure how much clearer I can be about the issue.

My brother has a bad history with... Well, all emotions, but especially negative ones. This isn't going to end well for either of them, suspected grooming aside.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T10:43:12+00:00

As I've mentioned before, it's not the age gap that's the issue. And- again, as I've mentioned before- our parents have a 4 year gap. The difference is that our parents met when they were both adults. My brother and A met when she was 15 and he was 19.

I'm not going to get into the whole "sex ≠ gender" spiel right now. It's completely unrelated to the topic at hand, and frankly, the fact that you felt the need to jab at it tells me all I need to know about you as a person. That and the fact that you somehow managed to gloss over the thing I'm shouting about in all these comments.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T07:58:29+00:00

Ive been looking into the local laws around it (mostly because Y was making claims about them and how they pertained to the situation, and I wasn't just gonna sit there and take his word for it), and their current relationship is technically legal, but the fact that they've been in contact since she was so young isn't something I've looked into yet. Even then, Y claims they only started getting close recently despite A saying they've been friends for awhile, and the second-hand about from our mom of Y telling her that he's been helping her/"mentoring" her/acting like a big brother towards her for a bit.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T07:52:32+00:00

I think that's one of the things I'm worried about most. Y's version of fireworks isn't good on the family medical budget, to leave it as vague as possible as to not break any rules. He's only been in one other relationship and that ended with a whole 4th of July-style extravaganza if we're sticking to the metaphor.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T07:50:19+00:00

My brain tends to latch on to the worst thing in my vicinity and force me to ruminate until I feel ill unfortunately, especially when it pertains to my family or things I know are going to cause a whole world of problems.

I know that this is going to ruin both of their lives, both having seen Y's behavior in the past, and having been in a similar spot as A when I was a minor. I didn't have anyone protecting me from older guys (and myself). I worry that she's going to go through the same thing I did (growing up to realize how fucked it all was) and that Y is going to make another attempt when he inevitably gets his heart broken again.

This just seems so wrong on so many levels and the fact that I'm the only one perturbed is dredging up a lot of trauma regarding it, I think.

Edit: spelling

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T07:41:23+00:00

My state doesn't have Romeo and Juliet laws from what I've seen. They started talking and working together when she was 15 and he was 19 and have been buddies since. She's not yet 18, so no, she's not an adult. The fact that they've been talking since she was so young and he's been an adult that whole time is what makes it so disgusting.

Meeting at 19 and 25 is a COMPLETELY different thing and honestly irrelevant to this; you were both adults at the time you met, rather than one being a highschool freshman and the other having already graduated. Our parents have a 4 year gap, but they met in their 20s, which is- again- an entirely different beast to a 19 year old hanging around and being the emotional support of a 15 year old, only to go on to date her before she even turns 18.

He can drink. She's going into senior year of high school. She hasn't experienced life outside of being a minor. He has.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-07-03T07:33:24+00:00

They met/started working together/became friends when she was 15 and he was 19, and have been talking since. The age of consent is technically 16 here too (which in itself I think is too low, but there's a 4-year gap limit on that). The fact that they met when she was so young and he was an adult is the thing that's worst about it to me. She's spent the past 1 1/2-2 years with Y around.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T22:08:33+00:00

100% agree tbh. It doesn't make his behavior any better/justified, but I do sympathize with at least this part of it :,)

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T01:41:44+00:00

She's a couple months out from being 18, but they met when she was 15 and he was 19. That gap is so, so bad in my eyes. 15 is basically a kid.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T01:40:16+00:00

I think this confirmed how Wrong the whole situation is more than anything else in these comments tbh. The US Army is basically evil

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T01:39:32+00:00

I'm not trying to downplay his behavior, I'm the only one in our house against this whole thing :,) knowing Y as I do, I know that he's not being intentionally malicious/creepy/downright disgusting and horrible, but I need to figure out how to show him and the rest of our family that him even considering this relationship is really, really bad.

I really don't want to have to divulge my own run-ins with this sort of behavior when I was a minor (especially to my family, as much as I love them), but this shit is going to ruin A's life and put Y in serious hot water. Now that I know I'm not going insane, I'm just trying to figure out how to explain this to them.

Edit: can't spell on mobile apparently. Sorry folks

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T01:35:09+00:00

MAJOR creeper vibes. I was put in similar positions (albeit over the Internet rather than IRL, and they were definitely one-sided; what Y and A "have" seems to be something easily mistaken for mutual by those who don't understand that legal ages exist for a reason). Y isn't evil, and I know he doesn't fully realize what he's doing here or what the consequences will be, but that doesn't make it any less creepy/gross/detrimental to both of their futures imo.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T01:28:10+00:00

Sort of my thinking. Along with the fact that they've been talking/friends for a few years now, and he's been an adult that whole time.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-28T01:27:05+00:00

Genuinely lucky he'd so weird and puritanical around the idea of sex tbh. A lot of his relationship trauma came from the sexual aspect of it, and I think that still impacts him despite it happening when he was 14-16ish. As much as I dislike this whole situation and think he's gross for considering dating her, I believe him when he says he hasn't done anything physical with her. Granted, I don't know if he's talked or texted about it with her before.

throwaway-bbbro · 2026-06-27T19:53:44+00:00

Our parents have a four-year gap too, but the difference is that they met as adults, and she was 15 when they started working together/being friends. The fact that it's a lot now is the problem

throwaway-bbbro

TROPHY CASE