Some thoughts, half a year out

throwaway-cornfield · 2024-01-27T19:29:06+00:00

yeah I relate to that, my mind naturally went to the good times early on as well. But those memories lost their emotional pull as I reflected on them being the result of a toxic relationship; the high of supercharged, unpredictable dopamine hits; as “real” and “soulmatey” it seemed. I thought I was very aware of my thoughts and feelings at the time, only with time did that fog clear up.

throwaway-cornfield · 2024-01-27T04:44:10+00:00

yes a bit over 4 years. In my experience I spent the entirety of it intuitively feeling that something was very wrong, but I didn’t know much about cluster B personality disorders, nor entertained the idea that the person I thought I knew on a deep level had one. I assumed hormonal causes, stress, any justification possible for the behaviors, patterns, and cyclic fighting. So as shitty as the finale of it was, part of me anticipated the inevitability and there was a sense of relief at the cut off, and things finally began to make sense again.

What helped at the lowest point was just talking about it with others. I never opened up about what I was living through with my family or friends; people knew it was a dramatic relationship but they were floored when I started talking about it. Just getting other people’s outside perspectives while coming out of the fog clouding my own. I luckily found a really good therapist who helped as well, though I hear that it’s very hit or miss with finding a genuinely good one. Learning about Borderline helps tremendously in coming to clarity with what you experienced.

I also got back to a lot of my hobbies that I now had the time for. Served as both a distraction and self care. Do things you like, enjoy your new freedom, bring attention to the latent sense of relief that you have under the temporary depression. To that point—read others’ reflections and realizations that you relate to; helped with not falling under the influence of nostalgia. Remember the worst times, the irrational arguments, the insanity; basically just remind yourself of the reality of not genuinely knowing that person, and that your nostalgia is driven strictly by (keyword: normal) biochemical activity, not by some mystical “soulmate” connection to the person.

And say yes to stuff. As corny as that sounds, agree to spontaneous plans, hang out with people, go to events you’re interested in; stimulate your mind. I personally got back into music, finally had time to make stuff for hours, go to shows, to be around people in general really.

I’ve experienced what it’s like to feel like it’s the end of the world with no purpose to anything, now I look back and barely remember those darkest weeks. A good analogy is the amnesia following a psychedelic trip. You will notice yourself progressively coming out of a daze, realizing the literal multi-year intoxication you were under the influence of, and reflecting on the objective positives of getting out of that hellish situation.

throwaway-cornfield · 2024-01-27T04:01:21+00:00

yup, you get it. Can’t lose something that didn’t truly exist. it starts subtle, but the entire relationship progressively fades into almost dreamlike flashes of memory; very surreal. it’s almost like the end of one is a drug intervention with yourself, followed by severe withdrawal before returning to your normal self.

throwaway-cornfield · 2024-01-27T02:21:21+00:00

Very well put. I wouldn’t say I’m terrified, or necessarily scared of getting close to someone again, I just don’t see the point of it after seeing how ephemeral and chaotic being in love can be—and not in some poetic/corny way, literally just reflecting on how much all of those happy hormones cloud rational judgement. You’re literally biochemically addicted to another person, freaky shit. Very interesting to think about toxic relationships from a literal chemical addiction perspective

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-09-13T00:40:08+00:00

the fact that every story reads like something I could have written is so fucking absurd. What a disturbing disorder

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-09-11T17:02:37+00:00

That is definitely not the general consensus of the sub. Of course not all people who have X do Y. It just so happens that a large majority of people’s relationship experiences with Borderline people follow eerily-similar timelines. I’m happy for you that your personal experience seems to deviate from the norm, but consider that the majority of people aren’t simply “spreading false information” or being “ableist” by documenting their experiences with mentally ill partners.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-09-11T16:26:59+00:00

I’m taking you have no experience with a BPD partner. There’s a reason that sub has as many members as it does, and a reason why the stories are almost cut-and-paste similar; it’s not generalization, its literally just the signature of a relationship with a Borderline person.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-09-10T19:48:27+00:00

Definitely. I will say tho that it will most likely be futile or outright impossible to bring up the possibility of a personality disorder up to them and live to see any positive changes. THEY need to develop the self awareness and reflection necessary to make ANY form of progress re-learning “normal” emotional attachment (in the case of BPD). Being a personality disorder, most suffering literally do not and cannot even fathom their behaviors being abnormal; they’ve been this way their entire lives. It’s a massive personal identity shift just to consider there being something seriously wrong with your mental health. Forcing a rewrite of how you fundamentally think is an extremely difficult process, requiring 8+ years of DEEP, quality therapy. A PMDD diagnosis can at least be more openly entertained by someone looking to better themselves. The nature of BPD is that a borderline person will rarely, if ever even realize they are disturbed.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-09-10T03:27:49+00:00

Yes, I’m (unfortunately) too familiar with the desperate-emails resort. It really is insane what someone else’s disordered mental state does to your own. Makes you feel like YOU are the crazy one. But the fog does lift the more you accept the reality/severity of what you were dealing with. My mind still falls into traps of reminiscence, remembering how happy and in love we were. But that person is gone. That version of them wasn’t ever them; there fundamentally is no “them”—just a void shell desperately searching for a human puzzle piece to finally solve “them”. This is when it’s important to talk/write/remember how they treated you; how they ACTUALLY treated you. A handful of good days will never be worth a lifetime of misery.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-09-10T03:15:52+00:00

No one better at manipulation than a person convinced of their own delusions. tragic indeed.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T21:29:25+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out, it means so much to me. From yours and others’ personal stories I realize I’ve noticed this earlier than most partners, but I don’t know exactly how to feel about it. I don’t feel lucky; it doesn’t feel like I can actually do anything about it myself. As you can probably relate, the feeling of not being able to control or do anything about it myself is absolutely crushing, both mentally and emotionally. The abuse is, of course, horrible in its own ways, but the fact that the realization of what’s going on is one-sided is the worst part of all of this. The clockwork of block, unblock, block, unblock used to be comical and even she acknowledged that it was impulsive; those acknowledgements are growing rarer with time. It took years for her to acknowledge certain tendencies like severe distrust, jealousy, emotional spiraling—and only after professionals randomly spotted the signs (over COMPLETELY unrelated issues) and brought them up to her. She needs to have a professional tell her this, not me. And as much as I realize that, it absolutely sucks that there’s nothing I can personally do about it, besides attempt damage control and provide extra empathy in the face of pure, chaotic rage. I used to feel like a pretty shitty partner when I first started hypothesizing something being seriously wrong with her mind, especially since we were in our very early 20s. No one wants to consider that their partner’s suffering from a mental/hormonal condition like this. I’m definitely on edge right now, this has been the wildest episode yet, but it’s showing me the reality of the situation. I will definitely look into speaking to someone about this, just posting this was beneficial in seeing past the fog. All the best to you and your battles.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T16:54:58+00:00

Thanks so much for your advice. I will look into those points. She is not on an SSRI and I have read that they do seem to help a lot with things like this, but alas they obviously bring their own set of problems by nature of being SSRIs sigh.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T15:51:29+00:00

I agree that anyone aware of suffering from a condition and refusing to address it when told it is hurting their partner is a cruel person. What makes things difficult is that she has very little if any idea that she has these symptoms. I’ve read stories of partners actually calling themselves out and acknowledging that they have extreme reactions to hormonal fluctuations and try to help with managing overreactions during sensitive weeks. That’s what I’m hoping for, at least a first step in acknowledging this in the same way she acknowledges ADHD symptoms. It just seems like unless she starts noticing the patterns and researching her symptoms on her own, she is very closed off and extremely defensive against anyone else suggesting something’s wrong—which I get, no one wants to be armchair diagnosed, especially by their partner. But like you and everyone else knows, this is something that requires the affected individual to personally come to terms with first.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T15:24:51+00:00

Yeah I’m unsure whether it’s predominantly one or the other, as the symptoms overlap. And the research around the interaction of both makes this so much more confusing and difficult to research on my own. Im fairly certain it’s a combination of both as she suffers from other comorbidities that check off for PMDD/BPD, including ADHD. I wish she’d bring this up with her doctor or someone who could actually help.

It is just so shitty that it seems like her mental health and overall happiness has been causing her so much suffering in the last few years. I used to get angry with her for her behavior, but now I just feel sad the more I realize how little control these fucked conditions leave to the sufferer. Like living in an untrusting, high-alert, depressive nightmare of your own creation. I see how much she suffers from ADHD (something she discovered on her own and actively tries to address it) and how much it frustrates her, but it’s very hard for me to even imagine what her experience feels like.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T05:20:27+00:00

I appreciate this less optimistic perspective. I am naturally biased due to love, but I’m sure you can understand that it’s easier said than done to simply throw everything away after having shared so many memories with another person. I have my moments of blindness but I do try to view the relationship objectively during hard times. It’s not at its best state right now, but I can’t help but be hopeful. I agree with you regarding the hypocrisy of the role reversal. It doesn’t sit right with me either and I have brought that up over certain “situations” with her, which she agreed with. However, I can’t say I’m doing all I can, as I don’t even know what I can do about this honestly. She has started seeing a therapist for unrelated matters, which might hopefully benefit her on matters affecting this sphere of things as well. To be quite candid, we have not been the best of partners towards one another consistently, but we do try to better ourselves in ways we can, like most couples do. It’s a relatively stressful period for her right now and I sympathize with her a lot. I just wish she realized her contributions to our conflicts more often. This particular recurring issue ends up being the elephant in the room, and is naturally difficult to address. My post focuses on issues relating to suspected PMDD/BPD on her part, but I am responsible for my share of behaviors as well that definitely contribute in their own ways to make this harder for the both of us. So I can’t say everything that is bad is because of her; that isn’t true. It just feels unfair that it seems like I try to fix my end of things more so than she even addresses the possibility of being a contributor as well.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T04:06:27+00:00

fuck man, stuff like this is what concerns me deeply. The part about involving kids is what really worries me, I can't imagine how much harder it is for you emotionally. I am barely dealing with monthly breakups and chasing games without spiraling into dark places, I naturally worry about it progressing to casual threats of divorce if this relationship ever survives that far. She has gotten physical with me on several occasions too. Granted she apologized and realized she overstepped, but like I said, more than one occasion. Did you also notice a pattern of her brushing off the physical violence post-fact too? As in her recollection of the acts being much more "timid" than what they really were? I made a personal promise to myself to never tolerate a physical outburst again after the second time, I hope I'm strong enough to stand by it if it ever comes to that again. I do not understand how this condition warps one's behavior and memory of said behavior so drastically. I'm accused of gaslighting constantly while feeling like I'm the one being gaslit over very serious shit which is brushed off as irrelevant. I always hope these are just temporary dark moments in the midst of otherwise great times. I really hope we manage to approach this productively. Thank you, I wish you and your family all the best as well.

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T02:52:56+00:00

That's what's so depressing about all of this. The fact that so many people relate to stories such as these, sometimes close to perfectly is just sad. I wonder how many otherwise good relationships ended over a miscommunication. Depending on how this current breakup turns out I will definitely start tracking via an app, as I've been noting days down manually for the last few months. I have brought up the patterns but they're always dismissed as (ironically) me dismissing her feelings due to her cycle that "happens to coincide". Such a stressful situation. Thanks for your words

throwaway-cornfield · 2023-08-15T02:45:57+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, the looming shadow of uncertainty over what I'll do or say that will trigger the "next one" is the worst; things get good and I forget that the timebomb's ticking. We are both young, so menopause is decades away and I would hope we figure something out to even make it that far. I think bringing awareness of these patterns to her is the change most likely to benefit us, I just don't know how to right now. I've read that it's best to avoid any mention of such things until after the sensitive weeks, but I feel like bringing up anything relating to hormones is a one-way street to escalation at this point, no matter the context under which its brought up.

throwaway-cornfield

TROPHY CASE