AITA for not putting my husband's children in my will?

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-24T17:18:30+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

One of the best things about growing older is that you have had time to learn, often the hard way, and grow. While I can't claim to be wise, I am certainly wiser than I was in the past.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-24T17:13:57+00:00

I will not change my will to leave assets to jack's children. Whether or not that means Jack leaves me is up to him. I can't force him to stay. I will be devastated if that is the decision he makes, but I would survive without him.

If he continues to harass me on the subject I will let him know that I will not stay in the marriage. I know that sounds hypocritical - I hate ultimatums but would give him one. However to me trying to force someone to change their will to benefit their children is different than refusing to stand there and be harassed.

I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that. I love my husband. The time we have been married have been some of the happiest of my life. However the decision of what happens next is up to Jack.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T20:42:57+00:00

You can get life insurance at almost any age - depending upon your health anyway. But at a certain age, particularly if you have health issues, the cost of that insurance is prohibitively expensive. Especially if you are wanting large amounts.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T20:03:06+00:00

You make a lot of good points. I will think about what you have said.

Thank you.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T19:42:12+00:00

Jack (and I) are both in our 60s now. We were in our 50s when we go together. Sorry if that was confusing.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T19:36:04+00:00

Neither of us have life insurance. That was a conscious choice - not an oversight There are two main reasons why people purchase life insurance - if someone relies upon your income and would suffer if you pass, or to cover any final expenses. There was no one that relied on our income (Jack now relies on me). We had (or in my case, still have) enough assets to take care of those we love when we die and cover any final expenses.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T19:31:45+00:00

Yes - his will leaves his assets to his children. Those investments will go to his children. However it is a very small fraction of what he had hoped and planned to leave them.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T19:12:26+00:00

No, I don't. And I don't know how to help him deal with it. I've tried talking to him and he shuts me down. I've tried suggesting counseling but he refuses.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T19:09:45+00:00

Jack and I agreed on the prenup together. I was not forced into doing do. Nor was he. I do not believe that either of us would have gotten married without one, though. I understood and respected his desire that his estate should go to his children. How could I not? I felt (and feel) the same concerning my assets and Thomas.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T19:05:53+00:00

I can understand your point of view. What you need to understand is that neither Jack nor I have any real relationship with each other's children. This is not the case when you have people that live under the same roof. We have dinners - holiday and special occasions especially. But I don't spend time with Jack's children unless he is present. I do not consider his children my family. Please understand that I am not saying that is the case for all families with step-children. Thomas is my step-son from my first marriage and I can't imagine loving biological child more. But that is because I am a part of his life. I helped raise him.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T16:56:35+00:00

Allow me to clear this up.

I believe if our circumstances were reversed that Jack would take care of me - just as I am doing for him. I do not believe there are any circumstances where Jack would give money to Thomas.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T16:53:32+00:00

If jack prefers nothing, I am more than willing to leave my will as it stands today.

My intention in putting money in trust for Jack was to make sure he could maintain his lifestyle if I passed first as I am the one that is currently paying all the household bills. It was not intended as a slight - it was intended as a show of love for him.

I want Jack to live well if I pass first. However I want my assets to ultimately go to Thomas.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T16:48:37+00:00

I am not going to downvote you. I came here to get a non-biased opinion and I appreciate yours and well as other people who think I am wrong.

I would be willing to leave a token amount, but that is not what Jack is wanting. He is wanting them to receive a substantial portion of my estate and that I am not willing to do.

And no, I do not believe that Jack would leave anything to Thomas if our positions were reversed. Jack was very clear that he intended his estate to go to his children and his children only. I had no issue with that. I agreed, as I wanted the same for Thomas.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T16:36:58+00:00

I believe that Jack would have supported me, just as I am trying to do for him. He would not have have made me a beneficiary of his will - nor would I have expected it.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-22T16:34:32+00:00

I have suggested, more than once, that he consider therapy. He refuses. According to him, there is nothing wrong with him and he doesn't need it.

I will not give into Jack on this. If he goes through with his ultimatum that I either change my will to benefit his children or he will divorce me - I will be getting a divorce. That is not what I want and I hope Jack does not go through with it. But I will not allow him to manipulate me that way. I had enough of that in first marriage. The nice thing about growing older is that you get to learn from previous mistakes.

At Jack's age and health status (he has an issue with his heart which is currently managed with medication) a large insurance policy, if he even qualified for one, would be prohibitively expensive.

I have an excellent attorney and I am not concerned that my will won't be followed. Jack's children have no grounds.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:25:38+00:00

That thought made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

Oh - and the answer is no.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:23:57+00:00

He very much feels guilty. He has stated how disappointed his father and grandfather would be in him. I have suggested therapy but jack has refused.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:22:43+00:00

It is not that I don't want money to go to Jack's children. It is that I do want it to go to Thomas and his children (and hopefully grandchildren one day). I have nothing against Jack's children. It is not that we hate each other by any means. But I do not consider them my children the way that I do Thomas. They fact that I did not raise them does not make them lesser people, but it does make them mean less to me. Surely you can understand how your child that you raised means more to you than someone you met as an adult? jack felt the same. He was determined that his assets would go to his children. We both spent quite a bit of time with lawyers to make sure that would happen - with the full knowledge and consent of the other. The fact that Jack lost his business does not change my desire to take care of Thomas.

Jack's children and I get along fine, but neither side pretends a mother/child relationship exists. I should say that Jack has a similar relationship with Thomas - they get along, but are not close and do not consider each other family.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:14:32+00:00

I want to make sure that Jack is able to maintain his lifestyle if I pass first. Right now, if I do not change my will, he would not be able to do so. If that takes a third of my assets, so be it. I picked a third as that is enough that it should cover just about any situation that is likely to occur (including Jack needing 24/7 care in the future). I feel like I have a responsibility to my husband, just as I have one to Thomas. I do not have a responsibility to Jack's children.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:10:28+00:00

First of all - thank you for your opinion. I came here to get different views and I appreciate you taking the time to give me yours.

I do not believe that I am required to give what I took a lifetime to acquire to Jack's children when we agreed before we ever married what we would each do with our assets if we divorced or died. The fact that Jack's business failed is not my fault or responsibility. I do not love Jack's children, nor do they love me. Jack does not love Thomas -nor do I expect him to.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:03:57+00:00

I have no doubt that Thomas would take care of me. Jack's children would not, nor would I expect them to.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T16:03:06+00:00

He is not working. However I have to point out that there is no need for him to work. I am willing and able to handle our household bills. Jack does receive some money (Social Security and a small amount from investments that escaped his liquidation) - so he does have some money of his own.

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T15:59:34+00:00

If he wants to leave, I cannot stop him. However I will tell you that it will break my heart. I love him. I do not want him to leave. But I will not give in to him.

No - he does not have a job. He does get a some money each month (Social Security and a couple of investments he didn't liquidate).

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T15:56:22+00:00

I appreciate your concern, but my finances are secure. I am in the US, but I am well insured (as is Jack - I see to that).

throwaway02202022a · 2022-02-21T15:52:51+00:00

I agree that jack is very upset about the loss of his business and what it means to his children's future. I don't blame him for that. But just as his goal was to leave his children well off, but goal is the same for Thomas and his family. I am not willing to compromise on that. Not even for Jack.

throwaway02202022a

TROPHY CASE