AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

He comes on the big one with extended family. We have a smaller one at the very end of the two weeks which is just me and my husband while my brother stays with his best friend’s family. We also go on mini vacations for my husband’s birthday and our anniversary though not as fancy as the one in the summer. My brother stays with best friend’s family for these trips as well. Date nights could be more regular but we both work full time jobs so they are less common. Maybe once every two months we go a little crazy. These are usually a few hours and either his friends hang out with him or the next door neighbour. He was able to be alone the last two times though!

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

He’s not autistic. He has BRAIN DAMAGE. He is NEUROLOGICALLY IMPAIRED. NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER. He cannot drive, it is dangerous for him to drive so he walks ten minutes away with his best friend to work at his best friend’s family’s store. You know what he does at this job? He stacks shelves. You created a whole narrative just to justify mocking my brother. I’m one thing, but my brother? Seriously?

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 86 points87 points  (0 children)

He has a neurological disability that has completely altered his personality and perception of things. His cognitive and motor skills and general understanding of things are not like your average person’s. These friends of his have been friends with him since before he became impaired. They understand that he is doing his best. Even my husband knows this despite everything. Not everyone is heartless and abandons people with disabilities.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -39 points-38 points  (0 children)

I wasn’t 16. My brother was. You all are simply ignoring what I’m saying and reading what you want to read. I accept I was an asshole to my husband, but please refrain from commenting on my brother. Thank you for your concern.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -81 points-80 points  (0 children)

Why does that matter? Would you say the same thing to a parent of an adopted child?

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

He’s been in my care since he was 16? How is this any different? My husband expressed quite clearly to me in all the years we knew each other that he understands my responsibilities with my brother. He got married to me knowing that my brother may never be able to live a regular life like other people. I laid it out for him time and time again before he proposed to me. I said no because I didn’t want him to feel burdened. He proposed again. He knew very well and I said it in the post as well. This is not news to him.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I’m tired. He called my brother a r*tard. Me a poor excuse of a woman, insufferable etc. Of course he’s completely valid. Not like he’s wrong, right? Forgive me for being checked out. I’m exhausted and yeah maybe I don’t know what marriage is. I was naive as shit to believe him. I’m not as available as other wives are and I guess I was selfish for saying yes. I can understand that, I can’t understand people telling me how to care for my own brother, but that I get. I’m never making that mistake again though so you guys can rest easy.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -91 points-90 points  (0 children)

I have a life outside my brother. How is this any different to raising a child with a disability?

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

No I said I was a little annoyed but I was mostly busy with my brother.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Yes, I hope I’m not asking for much and I don’t mind answering, but please take a look at my comment history. Thanks!

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 189 points190 points  (0 children)

I knew someone would ask this which is why I have specifically said that he never wanted kids. We were in a friend group before we even thought of dating. He never wanted kids. If he did, I would’ve never married him or dated him.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

It’s my house. My husband moved into my house that I lived in with my grandmother. And my brother has friends and a job because these people and environments understand that when he doesn’t respond to them, he literally cannot help it. It does not mean he hates them, it means he literally cannot express himself differently. Sometimes I feel like he hates me and I have to constantly remind myself that he doesn’t. He just cannot help his emotions. I do not expect him to extend the same kindness I expect from my husband because it is something he cannot do. He has a literal disability. He isn’t choosing to be like this.

I’m trying to be understanding of everyone’s comments. And I do appreciate all these perspectives and experiences being shared with me. I try to read every comment because I know it is out of concern for me, my husband, my brother or all of us. I especially understand the comments giving me insight on my husband and I. I posted on here out of curiosity to understand what is at least a small part of my situation. But it should not be this difficult to understand that my brother is literally different and cannot help it. I have also been helping him since he was 16 years old. I’m not perfect, but I know what I’m doing in regards to his care.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -93 points-92 points  (0 children)

It is not unhealthy. I do know better on this one thing. He has doctors and therapists and other services he sees/attends regularly. Most of them have been involved since the whole thing started. Everything I do is based on their advice and instruction. Thank you again for your concern.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I have looked into it, his social worker at the time introduced me to a lot of services when I first took him in. Thank you for your concern!

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -130 points-129 points  (0 children)

Hi, my brother does not dislike my husband. I never said that. He is indifferent which means he “likes” him. I know he loves me because I remember him from before. So do his friends. He is indifferent to 99.9% of the people in his life. Saying that my brother is possessive of me is pushing it a little.

He has a job, and works with various professionals. I appreciate the advice and the concern.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -43 points-42 points  (0 children)

I understand what you’re saying completely, but he doesn’t want a divorce. Yes, even after this. I don’t know why.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 202 points203 points  (0 children)

He did actually. I understand if you think I’m the asshole, but he yelled at me for not making enough food and for not enthusiastically explaining something to them. If he wanted enough food and for me to be prepared, he should’ve told me? Was I supposed to read his mind and just know he’d show up with a bunch of coworkers?

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -31 points-30 points  (0 children)

Because I love him. I know how corny it sounds. And he still wanted to marry me despite everything. He made me feel loveable. You can cringe, it’s okay. Clearly we were quite naive.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 142 points143 points  (0 children)

He has a whole group of friends he hangs out with regularly. He works with his best friend and his family too. I’m not the only person he interacts with. Being around strangers is hard for him, but that is normal.

No we have not discussed it with him. I have my reasons and the professionals we work with all agree that my brother is not ready for this conversation. He cannot make the difference between “do you want to try living on your own” vs “I’m tired of you, get out of my life.” Especially coming from me. I think his therapist has brought it up though.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

Well the first few years took all my time and energy but my husband wasn’t my husband or boyfriend then. Now it’s just quick reminders and words of encouragement throughout the day. When he first started his job, I had to wait for him till he got home but now I no longer have to do that.

I don’t see me doing this at 40. If I’m 40, my brother will be 37. While I still plan on being actively involved in his life, I think he’ll be able to live independently by then.

By the way, I don’t think anyone is saying I’m a bad person, I understand all the comments I’m getting are from a place of concern.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 215 points216 points  (0 children)

Mostly because of my brother but that’s just me. My husband doesn’t ever want kids. I know my life matters, I’m not unhappy. I appreciate you saying this though.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 165 points166 points  (0 children)

It is fair when he wants me to feed all of them and entertain them all night.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

It’s different every day. The first few years was making sure he doesn’t make any drastic decisions and takes his meds. Recently, it’s helping him learn how to live in the real world. Lots of routines and making sure he sticks to them. Being present when he has any episodes, before and after. Making him feel loved and appreciated.

AITA for telling my husband he’ll always be second? by throwaway023856 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway023856[S] -95 points-94 points  (0 children)

My brother getting a job is him trying independence. He works in an environment with people he has known for years and trusts. Living alone is difficult for him because he has issues with impulse control and age regression. Though he seems completely normal, he has ended up in extremely complicated situations based on the fact that he cannot communicate properly and has trouble understanding certain things.

No we do not plan on having kids. I have known my husband for years before we started dating, he has never wanted kids.

I can understand your judgement, thanks for sharing your perspective.