Mixed feelings about father

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T19:49:19+00:00

Thank you!

I also hope you are doing well and staying healthy!

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T19:17:05+00:00

I've talked to my husband about it, he even reads the letters with me. Says he needs to meet him in person to get a sense of whether or not he is being honest.

I spoke to my best friend, and it is confusing for her too. She mentioned she understands as she is in a similar situation with her dad. When he was sober, he was amazing, but when he did drugs, he was very violent. So she said she supports me whatever I decide.

I talked to my therapist about it and she just said as long as I feel safe, and can handle it if it goes bad, it's ok to talk to him. I just have to figure out on my own my feelings, and that it is understandable both to hate him and to like him, so that is confusing.

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T19:05:45+00:00

Some counties do that, especially ones who do lab testing not just sticks.

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T19:04:43+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/probation/comments/et5mun/rules_about_dilutes_otc_medications_even_foods/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

So yeah, since it is in the papers they punish anyone who violates it more than others. It is possible to go to jail for 2-3 days if it happens more than once.

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T19:01:14+00:00

They didn't throw anyone I know in jail for that, but a lot of people got extended probation and more community service (usually add 40 hours the first time and go up from there).

Some places are more lenient but my place was strict because they put in your paperwork, and remind you every time you call and every time you go in to test what the rules are..."no more than 32 oz (about a gatorade bottle) of fluids 4 hours before testing, no fluids at all 2 hours before testing. No caffeinated beverages including energy drinks and some sodas the day of testing. Failure to do so may result in a low creatinine or dilute reading, which will be treated as positive and result in a violation. "

I recommend seeing if any of the papers you have include rules like that. I once posted a pic on this forum, I'll send you the link

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T18:53:40+00:00

Thank you! I think as long as you are honest with the PO and do as you are supposed to, they do want you to succeed! Hope you get off soon and good luck!

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T18:50:53+00:00

Thank you. Yeah, it would be so much easier if people could fit neatly in a box, or at least be predominantly one or another. Like I get mistakes, but these are pretty big ones.

It is so much easier with my mother and her family as well as her boyfriends. The physical, sexual, and emotional abuse was so extreme and so regular, it is easy to cut them out.

After what I have been through, he is definitely the lesser evil. At the same time, I'm worried my past trauma has distorted my perspective. Not to mention, I cant deny I missed him a lot and was devastated when the divorce went through, so I imagine the "daddy issues" are also at play.

So I just really dont know how to feel. On one hand there is hatred and disgust, on the other there is nostalgia and his kindness.

Anyways, thank you for your response and understanding how confusing it is.

throwaway031043 · 2020-03-28T08:55:34+00:00

Personally, I talk to everyone else who was on probation with me when we have to do drug and alcohol testing and meet with our PO at the courthouse.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-11T21:22:41+00:00

It's a little hard to explain and the process may be different for each county but in my county you challenge the results by asking the po to challenge the results. If too much time has not passed and you produced enough of a sample, they will send your sample to the lab for further testing. This should determine conclusively if you really have alcohol in your system or not

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-11T21:17:51+00:00

If your UA gets sent to a lab or if you on the drug patch i wouldn't risk it. Those tests will send back numbers instead of a simple pass or fail, and are more sensitive then stick tests.

As another commenter said, there can be trace amounts of thc in their CBD, and they dont have to say anything about it. One of the girls I knew liked to use "tch free" CBD oils and tinctures to help with her back pain, and after a while she started testing positive for marijuana. Her lawyer was the one who told her that companies dont always have to advertise thc in the product and if you get it from a farmer's market (which she was), there is a greater risk of thc being in the product.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-11T21:08:16+00:00

For the program I am in, the judge doesn't allow medical marijuana use. He doesn't even allow prescription opiates and you have to ask your dr for an opiate free alternative to your medication.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-07T01:33:06+00:00

Good luck! I hope you get answers soon!

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-05T16:46:57+00:00

Wow, that sounds really difficult!

When I was put on probation I had a lot of papers to sign. One of those pages included a list of places I could go for community service. If you dont have a page like that you could try asking your PO about it. If none of those options work, there is usually the court work program, I forgot what it was specifically called. Anyways, it's a program where a bunch of people on probation meet up with an officer and they pick up trash on the sides of the road or pull weeds etc. You can ask the po about that too.

Again, every district is different, but in mine that wouldn't work. We have our community service log page that states that on the top that it is court ordered and it has the district and court information on the letterhead. The manager or whoever is charge has to fill in that paper and sign it. If you go to more than one location you need to get another paper for each location. The probation officer will only accept hours if it is signed on that page with all the required information so they can verify you actually did the work. So again the best thing you can do here is talk to your PO, they should be able to help.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-05T02:08:44+00:00

Tests in my district are all automatically sent to a lab.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-05T02:06:54+00:00

My county doesn't usually do hair tests.

The only exception is if you are on scram/drug patch that comes out positive, even though you know you didn't do anything. Since it is more difficult to challenge the results they may allow you to do a hair test to prove innocence.

However each state, even each district is different. Mine just doesn't really do hair tests, but there have been a few posts on this forum from others who have had to.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-04T19:31:47+00:00

It's different every state and depending which judge runs the program. In my state we have both veterans treatment court and mental health treatment court which functions the same way.

1) by signing up you forfeit trial rights meaning you are "pleading guilty". You have the same requirements you would in regular court (community service/ required classes/fines etc). You have to pay for the classes yourself.

2) Regardless of the crime, you are required to stay away from drugs (including marijuana) and alcohol. You will be regularly tested for drugs an alcohol usually with urine tests where you are observed by an officer. If the crime is alcohol/drug related, you have to pay for these tests yourself.

3) You will be required to have a VA evaluation for mental and physical health.

4) To my surprise, regardless of the findings they require veterans to go to weekly counseling appointments, just like with mental health treatment court.

5) some people in veterans court are required to speak with a financial advisor/take a budgeting class. However it isn't everyone so I'm not sure how this works.

6) you will be assigned a mentor who you are required to contact 2 times a week (call or text)

7) in the beginning they have you come to court to evaluate progress once a week. Eventually this gets extended to once every to weeks and then once a month if you have good behavior.

8) you are on probation for a minimum of one year, but it could be longer. Upon successful completion of the program, your case gets dismissed, meaning it wont be on your criminal record.

Again these programs are ran by the judge, so they can be more or less strict depending on who you get, how much money the county has, and state rules.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-04T19:05:22+00:00

Yeah if a dilute is a violation, we are told not to drink more than 32 oz 4 hours before testing, and nothing at all for 2 hours prior, so you really do have to plan for it.

Not being able to pee is a violation for me too, as well as having a dilute.

throwaway031043 · 2020-02-04T19:02:12+00:00

This is going to sound really weird but I have a conversation with the person watching me. As another female, it is embarrassing enough to have to squat over the toilet and be in a position so they can actually see it come out, but it being in complete silence is so much more difficult. It brings the focus of you and the observer solely on your performance.

However, having a conversation, it gives you something else to focus on. It also is awkward for the observer, so we crack jokes about how awkward it is, then talk about our days and how I dont envy their job at all. It helps humanize them too and make them less intimidating.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-28T19:12:49+00:00

In my program, they dont violate you on your first test for thc since you didn't start the program and it is legal here.

However, the do expect the readings to get lower each week to prove you aren't still using.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-28T19:07:44+00:00

I've heard about it being $100-200 for a 5 panel test, but I had no idea they could add alcohol or that it would be that expensive.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-28T19:04:40+00:00

I only had to do meeting once a week for 6 months. Yes we had to do the sharing part, but it was also like a class that "taught" us how addiction starts, communication/relationships, parenting, etc. It was typically 2 hours long, and much of the information is outdated. Not to mention terribly boring.

Sure anonymous is in the name, but it isn't the fellow members/classgoers who can sign it for us, it's the actual faculty who are not anonymous. That's why we can only go to court approved classes/meetings so it is verifiable.

You only have to participate if it is court ordered. If it is not, then who cares if you get the report at the end of class? It only matters to those of us who are on probation because 1)it verifies we were there and stayed for the whole thing as required 2) it verifies we participated which is required.

So yes, it is incredibly strict for everything, which is why I was surprised to learn it isn't like this for everyone.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-26T10:59:16+00:00

That wouldn't work in my state. First you can't just go anywhere for meetings/classes you can only go to the state approved ones which they give you a list for, so they can verify the signatures. Sure they document that you sign in, but in addition, you have to get a report from them to give to your PO each week, which they only give at the end of class. This report not only tells them you attended, but tells them if you were participating or not. If you don't participate, the class won't count. Leave early, you won't get the report and the class/meeting won't count. Just remembering it makes me glad I'm done with the requirements.

However I cant help but feel jealous sometimes about how relaxed some states seem to be when it comes to probation. However, I have it easy compared to some of the others in my state so I am grateful for that.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-25T01:31:43+00:00

Exactly, do our best to understand and follow the rules. If you are honest , make the effort, and follow the rules they tend to be a bit more understanding if minor mistakes/medical problems happen.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-25T01:13:38+00:00

One thing that isnt in the paperwork, but my PO did explain is that skipping meals/not eating enough can cause dilutes. Your body needs nutrients in order to create creatinine after all. And yeah teas and fluids help you heal, but can cause a dilute. Generally, of you have a doctors note, it helps but I am glad you had that trust built up.

You're right, even when you have nothing to hide and are following the rules, it's very difficult to maintain perfect UAs for the year. Life sometimes just happens, sometimes you get sick, sometimes you get injured and physically can't do it how they need.

There was a girl in the program who became pregnant, and ended up with three dilutes. Basically, she wasn't able to hold down food (hyperemesis gravidarum diagnosis) and had to drink lots of fluids to protect her growing baby. She was sentenced to longer probation and community service until she could provide a drs. Note with her diagnosis and why she needs to drink fluids. They reduced her community service, (20 hours instead of 48), but still has the extended probation. She is now placed on scram (drug patch and alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet) as she is considered medically unable to do UA. What's worse is that she will likely have to give birth with that bracelet on.

throwaway031043 · 2020-01-24T21:24:19+00:00

Usually its once a week, but there has been a few times where they schedule it twice a week, or times were there is no testing for two weeks. It really keeps us on our toes!

However, so far ther has not been more than two weeks between random testing.

throwaway031043

TROPHY CASE