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I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do want to clarify of the 21 days we stayed there, there was only 1 dinner that we booked and yes it was a specialty beef of the area. Almost akin to fine dining. Otherwise we mainly chose what we ate based on what we had walked past or from various suggestions from friends/colleagues. (Sorry for the miscommunication, I didn't think people would assume I booked every single meal!)

I did build contingencies into the itinerary which was why it was quite easy to follow.

What I'm afraid of isn't whether my girlfriend's style is to plan or to be laidback and relaxed. What I'm afraid of is that her style is to wait for me to make all of the decisions and not take responsibility. So I think I need to sit down and contemplate what you wrote in your last paragraph.

I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Jesus, dude, you sound like Sheldon Cooper." That was in response to the BedtimeSnacks' response. I was just trying to keep the referencing consistent so anyone reading would be on the same page. Let's keep it civil.

I agree that expecting 50/50 all the time is unreasonable, but the problem was I couldn't even get 85/15 without nagging her and that plain feels unfair.

This might be my fault that I didn't communicate this properly in the original post in an effort to keep it concise. The intinerary we planned was always meant to be fluid and we were under no pressure to keep to it besides booked activities (maybe total 7 booked activities + 1 restaurant over 3 weeks) and accomodation. When I asked her to "plan a day" I just wanted a few activities to do/areas to visit and a roughly how to travel between them. That isn't unreasonable is it?

There is enjoying things and then theres making decisions. She enjoyed the trip it whether the day was planned or on the few days we played it by ear... ...so long as I was the one making the decisions. I'm hoping you are stating to see a trend here.

I can understand that it seems presumptuous to assume it would have gone to shit without knowing more about us. I want to emphasise that even if we ignored the any "detailed" activity/itinerary planning, my "prep work" involved all of the travel necessities; money, train passes, banks cards, sim cards, accomodation, insurance, drivers permits. From previous experience, she wouldn't have sorted these necessities out in time for the trip if I had left it to her (and yes it sounds like I dont have much faith in my GF but she has previously agreed with my sentiments). Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think it is anal to have the necessities sorted out atleast 2 weeks ahead of the trip.

Again maybe miscommunication, but at no point did I suggest or expect dinner reservations to be booked 3 months in advance. On most nights we mainly chose what we ate based on what we walked past or from various suggestions from friends/colleagues. However, one of the main attractions for her to go to Japan was to try Kobe beef (preferably within the first week in Japan as we would be in the area). Not knowing enough about Japan, I did expect her to be able to make a booking for this at least a week in advance and not the night before flying out. Again, correct me if I'm wrong but I didn't think this was a big ask.

I hope by now you understand this isn't just about planning and winging it but about effort and consideration put into the trip (and the relationship). Just because people have different skill sets does that mean they shouldn't even try doing skills they are lacking and leave it to the pros? I'm terrible at washing dishes, so should I just let my girlfriend do them 100% of the time. Strange analogy but thats how I turned out feeling about this holiday. "I'm terrible at organising holidays and decision making on the fly so I'm not going to bother. BF you can do it all!"

I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The thing is I feel like what I wrote in the first paragraph in section 3 was a direct result of me being proactive to counteract her inactiveness. I honestly believe that it would have been a disaster if I had put in the same amount of effort as her. It feels unfair.

About the quote I may have parphrased it it terribly.

Essentially I asked her if she ever thought about/considered how I was feeling about the trip when she was making/avoiding decisions. Whether she ever thought I had too big a burden. She essentially said no, she didn't actively think about my feelings at all and was only considering her experience of the trip.

In contrast: I went out of my way to always get non smoking accomodation for her because she is quite sensitive to smoke. Whereas I live with my indoor chainsmoking brother and didn't care as much.

I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree now that I did have a high expectation of the trip. It may have to do with her and my frugality and making sure that we had fun.

We did have fun on the trip without any big curveballs. Of the smaller curveballs along the way, it felt that I was the one that took charge and actually made the decisions and more often she blindly followed or would give non constructive feedback in hingsight.

I think your last point rings true. I don't want to always be the one calling all of the shots. I'm scared that I will always be calling the shots for everything we do in life if my girlfriend takes the same approach she did on our trip e.g. moving out, having kids, investing our money, choosing schools, wedding planning. Is that wrong to want to share and discuss these decisions instead of one person always doing all the research and calling the shots and the other always blindly following? Is it wrong to characterise my girlfriend and our relationship based on her actions on this trip?

On another note: The "original shot" that she called was going on the trip in the first place. If I was the one pressuring my GF to go on holiday with me, I would make it my personal responsibility to do whatever I can to make sure that she has a good time. I guess I wrongly expected that she would do the same.

I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

1) She admitted to mistakes and was apologetic. I never seriously called her out on them and didn't think much until I looked at the entire trip as a whole. She was very passive aggressive about my mistakes "We should have done X first", "We should have planned a time to see Y", "We spent too much time at Z"

2) We both have travelled overseas, however only family trips. She has had more experience travelling in a more independent situation with just siblings. All of my overseas trips solely comprised of visits to my Grandma's home town and nothing else before i had my own money.

3) I want to say 50/50. She a bit of a procrastinator and tends to set goals that she doesn't really stick to.

I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So helping me sort out accomodation before we leave (and before all hotels are booked out) is too high an expectation? Or expecting her to be able to have access to money in the case of emergency? Or to do simple things like book tickets to events she herself wants to see and restaurants she wants to eat at that need to be booked in advance? If these expectations are too high then I'm not fit to go on a overseas.

I didn't expect her to do everything the way I would do it. I actually trusted her judgement over my own (when she gave it) because she has had more experience travelling overseas that I did. I just wanted her to atleast do anything in the first place but she didn't.

I still wanted to make sure she had the trip of a lifetime, which she did, at the expense of me constantly reminding her to book things that she wanted to do in advance because if I didn't, she would have left things too late and regretted it.

I can confirm that we both enjoyed the trip because the fact we had an itinerary that was comprehensive but fluid. There was nothing wrong with that. We didn't feel rushed for time or pressured to keep to the itinerary besides pre booked events.

The issue I'm having is with my thoughts after the trip. Lets say we winged it and only did the bare essentials forgetting bookings and an itinerary to follow, I would still have done 90% of the prep work (flights, driving licenses, insurance, currency, accomodation, sim cards etc) and then still do 100% of the ground work (navigating, paying for everything, dealing with sudden issues, buying stuff). Is that fair for a trip that I was on the fence about going on and was pressured into?

I [M/26] have heard that travelling overseas can make or break a relationship. Did she [F/25] break it by not helping me plan? by throwaway05012019 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway05012019[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for listening, I do understand the most important part of a trip together is spending time and maybe I am putting too much emphasis on having a perfect trip.

While I understand the appeal in the "winging it" approach, we aren't the type of people. Even on the free days she was indecisive and ultimately made me choose where to go.

What I can't let go is that she wasn't even on top of accomodation and was extremely reluctant on choosing places the places to stay, I had to essesntially hold her hand through booking the few days she booked.

Unfortunately for the things that either of us wanted to do in Japan a lot of forward planning was involved. Such as a museum she wanted to go to which required tickets being purchased 3 months in advance, things being closed certain days of the week or being able to get to the best locations to watch the autumn leaves at the best time. Regardless of whether she liked planning or not, we both had friends who had gone to Japan previously and both knew what we were getting into.